…Wear Sunglasses

Okay, before you throw rotten tomatoes our way, hear us the fuck out. Straight men CAN wear sunglasses, if they want people to think they aren’t straight.

The only thing straight about this look is Tom Cruise's straight set of pearly whites.

There are a couple of caveats to this rule, and we’ll get to those soon enough. For now, let’s discuss the reasons why sunglasses are strictly for our #DTB brethern.

First of all, they’re an accessory. We all know that accessories belong in the closets of two kinds of people that aren’t themselves in the closet: gays and girls. It’s a fact of #fashion. We didn’t make the rules, but we certainly live by them.

If you insist on wearing those sweats today, you can’t sit with us!

For some, sunglasses have a practical purpose. Sure they keep your eyes protected from that bright yellow thing that’s determined to make your hangover worse as you waltz down to Starbucks for a morning after Cup-o-Joe, but anyone who’s anyone (read: #flippable) knows that glasses are more fashion than function.

And therein lies the problem for the straight guy among us. Although a straight bro could get away with wearing shades in a way he can’t get away with wearing #man capris– function, remember?- the fact of the matter is if I see you wearing them, you’re towing the line between metro and full on homo, and we always like line-towers.

Don’t get me started on guys who perch their glasses on their heads.

Let’s talk about the celebrities that are often seen wearing sunglasses. Oh, you guessed it. #Tom Fucking Cruise isn’t snapped without a pair of Oakley’s to shade those shady blues. Still not convinced? #Zac Efron anyone?

I told you there were exceptions, right? Well we here at SMD are men of our words. Wearing shades doesn’t necessarily make a man a ‘mo if he indeed calls them shades. Who else would call them shades?

If your glasses can be described as oversized in any way shape or form, however, chances are there’s a dick in your mouth as you read this.

Zac Efron has perfected the "I'm going to the bathhouse look". The only thing that could make this look worse is a pink boa and sling back pumps.

If he has a job that keeps him outside for several hours during the day, he may be looking for more of that function and less of that fashion (unless of course, the glasses are designer, in which case, he’s as gay as a jaybird). Think construction workers (gross), coaches (yum), boaters (could go either way). Other guys who get a free pass are southern fraternity bros, although they’re gay for completely different reasons, but we won’t get into that.

Since the sunglass became a modern display of individuality, they have served as the crowning piece to a str8 boi’s wardrobe. So what do you do if you see someone wearing a pair of shades and he isn’t directing traffic?

This could be tricky. Glasses are worn during the day, which means you can’t tip the scale your way with a #cocktail or two. You’ll have to approach very carefully, nonthreateningly, and ride it out until the time is right. Instead of going for a classic hit-on, try to a arrange a bro-date for the evening time, when you can slip in a little liquid lubricant.

We all know you don’t want to get too far without some form of lubricant, right?