…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

2 Responses to “…Circle Jerk”

  1. Jason October 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    I had a friend when I was younger that was an advocate of the circle jerk. He even came up with a cute little nickname for his version of the Circle of White–he called it Cum Cookie. He loved to brag, for some reason, about always losing and being the chosen one that had the “blessing” of gobbling up the cum cookie. These days, he’s a “gangsta” with three illegitimate children who spends his days working at a cookie factory. The haunting memories of Cum Cookie will never leave hiim.

  2. therealbryon-or gay sex and the city October 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    case in point.. i did circle jerks a couple of times… im gay.. lol. loved it. oh and ur article…

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