Archive | September, 2011

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

Advertisements

…Watch Twilight

28 Sep

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

Twilight is Pretty Gay

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Twilight Brokeback Mountain

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.

…Wear Sunglasses

28 Sep

Okay, before you throw rotten tomatoes our way, hear us the fuck out. Straight men CAN wear sunglasses, if they want people to think they aren’t straight.

Tom Cruise Gay

The only thing straight about this look is Tom Cruise's straight set of pearly whites.

There are a couple of caveats to this rule, and we’ll get to those soon enough. For now, let’s discuss the reasons why sunglasses are strictly for our #DTB brethern.

First of all, they’re an accessory. We all know that accessories belong in the closets of two kinds of people that aren’t themselves in the closet: gays and girls. It’s a fact of #fashion. We didn’t make the rules, but we certainly live by them.

If you insist on wearing those sweats today, you can’t sit with us!

For some, sunglasses have a practical purpose. Sure they keep your eyes protected from that bright yellow thing that’s determined to make your hangover worse as you waltz down to Starbucks for a morning after Cup-o-Joe, but anyone who’s anyone (read: #flippable) knows that glasses are more fashion than function.

And therein lies the problem for the straight guy among us. Although a straight bro could get away with wearing shades in a way he can’t get away with wearing #man capris– function, remember?- the fact of the matter is if I see you wearing them, you’re towing the line between metro and full on homo, and we always like line-towers.

Don’t get me started on guys who perch their glasses on their heads.

Let’s talk about the celebrities that are often seen wearing sunglasses. Oh, you guessed it. #Tom Fucking Cruise isn’t snapped without a pair of Oakley’s to shade those shady blues. Still not convinced? #Zac Efron anyone?

I told you there were exceptions, right? Well we here at SMD are men of our words. Wearing shades doesn’t necessarily make a man a ‘mo if he indeed calls them shades. Who else would call them shades?

If your glasses can be described as oversized in any way shape or form, however, chances are there’s a dick in your mouth as you read this.

Zac Efron Gay

Zac Efron has perfected the "I'm going to the bathhouse look". The only thing that could make this look worse is a pink boa and sling back pumps.

If he has a job that keeps him outside for several hours during the day, he may be looking for more of that function and less of that fashion (unless of course, the glasses are designer, in which case, he’s as gay as a jaybird). Think construction workers (gross), coaches (yum), boaters (could go either way). Other guys who get a free pass are southern fraternity bros, although they’re gay for completely different reasons, but we won’t get into that.

Since the sunglass became a modern display of individuality, they have served as the crowning piece to a str8 boi’s wardrobe. So what do you do if you see someone wearing a pair of shades and he isn’t directing traffic?

This could be tricky. Glasses are worn during the day, which means you can’t tip the scale your way with a #cocktail or two. You’ll have to approach very carefully, nonthreateningly, and ride it out until the time is right. Instead of going for a classic hit-on, try to a arrange a bro-date for the evening time, when you can slip in a little liquid lubricant.

We all know you don’t want to get too far without some form of lubricant, right?

 

Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

22 Sep

In the past, we’ve been accused of ‘fairy fantastical’ speculation regarding some of the guys we feel are so not straight. Guess the fuck what? We don’t give a rat’s smoking behind.

But we will dial it down this time and attempt to out someone who’s two shakes away from being outed anyway.

Andy Cooper, we’re talking to you, stud. 

Anderson Cooper

Yeah, we'd hit that.

Why this silver fox hasn’t come out of the closet is beyond us. He more than has job security with Anderson Cooper 360. Who else is going to anchor a show titled ANDERSON COOPER 360? And even with that bomb of a daytime talk show, CNN would be be crazy to fire him for coming out. They’d lose ever single gay who cares about the news. That’s like seven or eight viewers right there.

Not only are we 99.9 percent sure that Anderson swings #Tim Gunn’s way, we’re prepared to skip #flippable and go ahead and declare AC360 full on #DTB. Bold move, you say? We’ve done it before. And before. And before that too. Come to think of it, we’re on a roll.

We knew Ricky Martin was gay before Ricky Martin knew that Ricky Martin was gay.

What makes us so sure? Besides the fact that Anderson tips the scale so far passed metro with his perfectly coiffed hair and smooth as alabaster skin, that has never seen a #tanning bed, mind you, the facts speak for themselves.

He’s old and unwed. He puts a new meaning to the single uncle postulate, and you know what? We like it. I bet you anything he’s having lunch at the Ivy as we speak with Stanley Tucci and at least two of the four hands at that table are under the white tablecloth. Just saying.

But mommy, why isn’t Uncle Anderson married? And why does he always come over with Uncle Stanley? And why do they use the bathroom at the same time?

Need further proof? Cue his fruit bat, Kathy Fucking Griffin. Is there a better partner in homosexual crime than THE Kathy Griffin? We think not. First of all, we’re ready to declare that straight men don’t go to Kathy shows, let alone HOST shows with her. The way she makes him blush every New Year’s makes us blush for him.

Anderson Cooper Gay Boyfriend

Biking Buddies or Butt Buddies? You be the judge.

Just for good measure, let me remind you that he’s an outspoken fan of The Real Housewives franchise (specifically BH and Atlanta). Umm… hello. It doesn’t take a genius to know that straight men are careful what they #watch, and that Bravo is not part of their DVR schedule. Just saying.

Still not convinced he’s a total mo? Check out the video of him giggling like a school child. Now we would never go on record saying that gay men are more giggly than straight men, but come on. Don’t be ridiculist. It’s almost scientifically proven that gay men are indeed more giggly than straight men.

Look, folks. We’ve called out several famous men on this blog, including #royalty. But we’ve never called out a fucking Vanderbilt. But are we worried that he comes from the third most powerful American Dynasty after the Kennedy’s and the Smiths of Willow and Jaden Smith?

Fuck no!

Because the truth is the ultimate defense against libel. And we’re pretty solidly sure that Anderson Cooper being a raging ‘mo is the God’s honest truth.

 

…Vomit

22 Sep

Vom? You’re asking. Everyone vomits. It’s a human nature thing to do. Everyone has that drunken night on Spring Break where they’ve been overserved and wind up passing out on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet. Right?

WRONG.

Yes, yes, everyone vomits. It’s a medical fact. Ever have the stomach flu much? But it is a societal fact that losing your lunch (or lack thereof) due to alcohol poisoning is a sorority girl’s prerogative that your average straight man doesn’t get much leeway for.

We said much leeway, so calm the fuck down. Because we can’t discount the fact that everyone has that bad night or two freshman year, or during initiation, or in Myrtle Beach, or what have you, we’re implementing the three strikes and you’re out of the closet policy.

This is a big step for us. We’re used to speaking in absolutes.

So what does it say about a guy that is a habitual Friday night thrower upper? Well, it doesn’t say his sushi was fucking bad for the fourth weekend in a row.

The fundamental reason why people throw up is because they take too many drinks in a short amount of time. For a girl, accomplishing this is rather easy. Be hot. For str8 bois, the situation is almost the same. Be hot and in your underwear. Straight bros, not so much.

No one is buying a straight bro a drink unless his girlfriend just got pregnant or it’s his mother fucking birthday. Bachelor parties are a free pass, as well they should be on pretty much any rule. (If he doesn’t let you kiss the tip the night before he gets married, chances are you won’t get to kiss it ever). Everyone is a little gay without necessarily being gay at their bachelor party.

It’s also pretty hard to throw up on beer unless you’re taking straight pulls from the pitcher by yourself with no one around. It’s easier to lose track of your buzz on liquors, which is why #cosmo slinging gays and girls are given the a-okay to vomit away. But we all know that straight bros don’t drink cocktails, right….?

Is it a double standard? Yes.

Do we give a shit? Um… fuck no.

Drunk Man Throwing Up

This guy clearly needs a friend. Just pretend he isn't wearing a corduroy blazer...

So what do you do if you see a guy vomiting in the bathroom while you’re trying to take a leak? First, go leak outside. You’re still a man. You’ve earned this right. If it’s his first offense, get the guy some water and call it a night.

If, however, he’s known to be the chronic vomitter, stay up with him, hold his hair, and when he’s all done, nurse him to health with a little TLC. We say turn it to some late night Showtime, or better yet, pop #Risky Business into the DVD player and watch him squirm. If you can’t #flip him now, you don’t deserve to hold a spatula.

The big key here is to be there for him. Ask him why he always feels the need to drink to the point of oblivion. Are you hiding something from your bros? You can tell me… I won’t say anything… wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Spit or swallow? Before you know it, you’ll be wiping the upchuck off his chin and going in for the handy J with a side of last-meal.

Good fucking luck.

Straight Men Don’t Lingo #3

22 Sep

It’s common knowledge that the gays have their own language. Who do you think made ‘fierce’ and ‘fabulous’ the great words they are today?

There is no greater way to suss out if that straight bro you’ve been stalking is really #DTB than listening to his speech patterns. For example, no self-respecting straight guy is going to use the following word in normal conversation.

Circa.

For those of you who flunked out of Latin 1 (or Sophomore English for that matter), Circa refers to a time period specific to the subject in which you are talking.

The Rachel, circa 1998, was the fiercest haircut we’ve ever seen.

You will not, ever, hear those words uttered from a straight bro’s lips unless he is 100 percent #flippable. So flip away.

Why does this phrase lean so str8 boi as opposed to straight bro? Str8 guys are always trying to find the fantastical way of saying things. It’s what keeps us edgier (read: Better) than your average man.

So pay close attention to what he says, ladies and gentlemen. Even if he’s talking about something inherently straight, like football, if he laments the last time the Cowboys one a Superbowl circa 1996, chances are he’ll let you kiss the tip.

Caio!

…Watch Glee

21 Sep

… Mother fucking duh! I’m almost slightly embarrassed to spend five hundred words dispelling why straight men don’t watch Glee.

Glee is Back!

How would my good friend Dr. Suess put it? If you watch this show on FOX, you do not want any BOX.

Is it the fact that it’s a fucking #musical? Sure, why not.

Maybe because over half the characters are either homosexual or played by homosexuals? Yes, that could be it.

It could be because the agenda is laid on so thick, even str8 bois have a hard time taking it seriously? Yeah, that’s one, too.

Maybe, just maybe it’s because Lea Michele is SO annoying she cancels any hotness factor the show may actually have... BINGO, Sherlock!

No matter how you slice it, no one who watches Glee wants to get some pussy fresh box later that night. Nothing screams I want fairy tail quite like watching this fairy tale.

Glee is the epitome of Gay TV for the 21st Century. Like Project Runway six years before it, it was the guiltiest of guilty pleasures for str8 bros and the guys who they were letting kiss it on the side. No one was allowed to know they watched Glee together just like no one was allowed to know he occasionally liked a finger up the rectum. Snitches get stitches!

But somewhere along the way, things started to change. People started to admit they watched this show. Just the other day, my brother set his Tivo for a season pass of Glee! GLEE! This is a man with a girlfriend and who doesn’t exhibit any other straight men don’t quality… and he’s watching Glee.

Puck

We admit it. This is the Only reason we agreed to watch this show...

I’m sorry to get personal, but I was flabbergasted. Downright floored. I had to move him from a firm five on the Kinsey to a flimsy four. He’s one #Tom Cruise haircut away from

strapping on assless chaps and singing It’s Raining Men at ‘Ladies Night’.

We’ve laid out the reasons why Glee isn’t an appropriate show for straight bros to watch. In fact, if you’re sitting next a straight bro and Kurt Hummel comes sashaying on screen to deliver yet another song from Gypsy or Caberet, just turn to your left and give that boi a kiss. We all know the two of you would both rather be doing the deed than watching the show, so don’t pretend. He won’t either.

It’s quite simple, actually. Straight men don’t watch Glee. Or at the very least, they don’t admit it.

Ian Somerhalder… He’s So Not Straight

20 Sep

Okay, we’re aware that this particular call-out is probably going to get filed under Wishful Thinking. And we’re a-okay with that. Because we can’t lie, Ian Somerhalder has been a permanent fixture in our wank banks since his first on screen male kiss with the artist formerly known as Dawson Leary back in ’02.

So why are we finally ready to call Ian out on his not-so-straight ways? Well, we’ll start circa 2002.

Ian Somerhalder and James Van Der Beek being Hot and Gay

Jamie, boo, I don't wait for our lives to be over... Let me just kiss the tip and we'll call it a day.

Now, we’re not saying that any guy who kisses a guy on screen is an automatic ‘mo. On the contrary. Plenty of straight bros make out with other dudes for the sake of the arts. Just ask Sean Penn. He won an entire Oscar for making out with str8 boi… yeah, we’re looking at you James Franco.

But anyone who’s seen Rules of Attraction knows that kiss was much more than a kiss. I mean, is there a wonder Dawson left the Creek shortly after that shit was filmed? Hello… he was heading to Fort Lauderdale, ready to turn his #man capris up and build sand castles on the fucking sand.

Then there’s the matter of his face. We’re not ready to admit there is a single straight man out there with skin that perfectly #tan and that wonderfully smooth. I mean, his complexion is flawless.

Is he borrowing skin care products from #Zac Efron? That’s for him to know and for us to wet dream about.

Yes, yes, there are a ton of guys out there that give us a similar #DTB vibe that turn out to be very straight in the long run. We are, however, willing to bet that even the straightest of those McFairies is willing to let us kiss the tip.

Your honor, I’d like to submit this into evidence. Where the fuck is his girlfriend? Someone that genetically gifted is rarely seen unattached. Even if he’s not the ‘marrying kind’, having a pretty girl in tow to balance his flawlessness is a must for a truly straight bro. Just ask George Clooney.

But because Ian is following in the footsteps of #Tom and not George, we’re just going to go ahead and stamp a rainbow across his back and get to plowing.

But there’s no evidence he’s DTB. Ya’ll are talking out of your asses!

To that we say… so the fuck what? We have a theory that has Ian’s name written all over it. It’s called the Congressman Scandal Theory.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Ian Being Gay

The proof is the fucking pudding. Straight men don't underwear dance with other men. They just don't.

Every time a Congressman shoots from the mouth, igniting a gay media firestorm, said Congressman is usually outed a short time later. Why is this? Because homophobia is the biggest clue that someone is a homosexual. If he’s definitely a ‘phobe, he’s probably a ‘mo… take those odds to Vegas, sister.

And in 2002, Ian Somerhalder was the center of an Out Magazine shitfest, in which he said some mildly offensive things towards gay guys. And we all know that #magazines are the fucking Bible. (For the record, we thought his comments were really hot… but we’re also addicted to hitting on straight bros, so…).

Ian might not have been caught tapping away under a bathroom stall at Macy’s after that, but we’re willing to bet that wasn’t the last time he kissed a guy.

Umm… let’s not forget. The guy plays a vampire on television. I’ve never met an actor who plays a vampire who wasn’t a little bit gay… just saying.

Look, we’re not saying this seduction is going to be easy. It might take a #cocktail or two, but eventually you’ll be able to talk him into showing you just how James Van Der Beek used to do it… trust us. Go for the gusto with this guy, because he’s secretly dying to show you, probably because he’s SO not straight.

…Cheerlead

20 Sep
Male cheerleaders are probably gay

Him: I'm gonna get so much snatch after this game, I can already smell it! Her: I hope this fruit bucket doesn't fucking drop me.

So folks, we’re not completely sure that ‘cheerlead’ is a word. We’re going to assume it’s the root word for ‘cheerleader’, but who the hell knows? While my English teacher was busy teaching the exceptions to conjugation, I was in the back whispering things like “just let it happen” to guys like the Junior Varsity Quarterback.

But enough of my history lesson. Let’s talk about the one and only profession that has been barred from a straight man’s list of “what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

Male cheerleading.

This is the deal. I almost hesitate to bring this up, because if you’re hitting on male cheerleaders, you are clearly NOT interested in bringing home a straight bro. You may as well hop on over to the LGBTQ resource center and take a sit down in the lobby, because you’re after a flame thrower and you know it.

There’s nothing subtle about the male cheerleader. Everyone on campus knows he’s as gay as the day is long. And yet, for some reason, there is always the ONE guy who claims he’s straight.

You’ve heard his reasons.

“Cheerleading is a great workout. It’s actually the most dangerous sport in America.”

To this you say… sport? Seriously? What’s next… competitive knitting!

He might also say something like this.

Dude, I get so much box being the only straight guy on the squad. Come on.

If by box, you mean dick, and by straight you mean str8 #DTB, then yes. We’ll believe you.

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Why can’t a straight bro perform his lifts and still be considered straight? There are certain things that cheerleaders deem fundamental that go firmly against a straight bro’s code of ethics. For example, #tanning is a prerequisite to cheering. Why do you think Edward Cullen never made the squad? Cheerleaders also peruse #US Weekly on the weekly because gossip is the number one topic at cheer practice (and trust us, we hesitated to call it practice…)

I mean, come on guys on the squad. You may as well go ahead and sit in a circle, put a pizza in the middle, and set the egg timer on, because we all know where this is heading.

Those aren’t spirit fingers. These are spirit fingers. And these are mother fucking gold!!!

It baffles us that in 2011 there are still men out there that think forming a perfect hurkie is a turn on to the women they lift up in the air every Saturday morning. There are much better ways to seduce women than going around and shouting: “Like totally! Like wow! Like totally freak me out! We are the Torros!” (PS. If you know where that cheer came from, you’re so not straight. Let it go sister).

There’s only thing gayer than being on the cheerleading squad, and it’s being in a #musical. Fire hazard!

We’re sure there are caveats to this rule, much like many of our rules, but this is literally such a no-brainer, we aren’t even going to investigate those caveats. We’re simply going to close the book on this by saying trust us: if he cheers, he’s queer. Get used to it.

 

 

…Ke$ha

19 Sep

I always hesitate to say straight men don’t do things that are rampant parts of society. It’s one thing for a guy trying to pass as straight to wear #man capris, which no one in their right minds still wears. It’s another thing to accuse someone of being gay for listening to pop radio.

And although there are several pop singers who tickle the fancy of men, women, gay, and straight alike, there is one queen strongstress notorious for being straight bait krypotine.

Cue Ke$sha! No seriously, someone wake her up.

Kesha Tik Tok Love is my drug

If you're looking at this picture and thinking "Maybe she needs some rehab, or maybe she just needs sleep..." you're so not straight.

With news that our favorite celebrity hot mess is int he studio recording ‘vocals’ for her new album, we couldn’t help but think there isn’t a straight man in the world who should be excited about this news.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy…

The reason Ke$ha is on the list of pop artists straight men don’t go out of their way to like is long.

First, homegirl is not cute. There I said it. I’m not afraid to ruffle some glittered and bedazzled feathers. She’s not pretty. She’s not hot. She definitely lacks a ‘I wanna bone you’ quality that straight guys require of the pop stars they tolerate.

Look at Katy Perry. Now look at Ke$ha. Who would you do? Exactly.

But gay men and women alike love Ke$ha for much more than her lack of asthetic beauty and even greater lack of hygiene. She’s a musical genius! Not only are her songs catchy as hell, they also remind us that we aren’t the biggest hot messes out there in the world.

And the Courtney Love Award for Hottest Mess goes to: Ke$ha!

If I had a dime for every time I woke up feeling like P. Diddy, I would have been able to pay for the Tik Tok download as opposed to stealing it from a shady site that may or may not have given me a virus. Her songs are true to life. They’re biographical, but only to us str8 bois.

She’s fundamentally different than the average gay icon a la Britney Spears or Lady Gaga because 1. her music lacks indisputable perfection (honestly, did we really think Tik Tok was going to win any Grammy’s?) 2. unlike icons such as Beyonce and Nicole Sherzinger or however the fuck you spell it, she’s not wank bank worthy. Straight bros like their pop stars to be either talented or masterbatable. Fact.

It’s a simple mating call in the club. The first beats of Blow come on and people look around. What? Is it a Ke$ha song? Hells yeah! The #DTB str8 bois are looking around and hoping their bros don’t sense their excitement. #Zac Efron and his posse is beside themselves with glee. The next thing you know, the gay guys and their fruit flies are grinding away on the dance floor and the guys trying to pass are watching enviously from the sidelines.

So what do you do when you see a boy you know is #flippable jamming out to Ke$ha? Honestly, if we have to answer that, you don’t deserve to land a straight man. You sit on that shit and you grind away. Hit on him now. Ask questions later.

There’s something about the glittery eye and the obvious lack of a shower that turns straight men off where it turns str8 bois on… so pay close attention to the guy in the group who’s bobbing along to We Are Who Are and make your move when the time is right.

Sometimes it really is THAT simple.