14 Sep

I had a girlfriend once whose boyfriend insisted on going tanning with her. Weird? I thought so too. It got so bad, they bought tandem passes as if they were besties getting ready for a trip to Cabo.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised to learn they’re no longer dating? No one? Great. Now raise your hand if you’re surprised to learn that he’s dating a surfer boi named Khai… exactly.

Tanning is an art that straight men simply don’t do on purpose. We know, we know. The times are a-changin’, but come on folks, a straight bro wouldn’t be caught dead in a tanning salon wearing a Playboy bunny sticker in order to track his progress. Just ask #Vanessa Hudgens.

And don’t get us started on sunless tanner. No. Just… no.

Proof he's gay, or proof he's not a vampire? Hmm... we'll take both, Tribek!

So how do straight men tan? Accidentally, that’s how. Straight men escape being pale and pasty by doing activities that yield an accidental tan. They mow the yard. They play frat frisbee. They hangout shirtless by the pool.

Never do they ever,  however, ‘lay out’ with bronzing lotion, a #cosmo in a Nalgene bottle, and the brand new #US Weekly trying to get some color (and catch up on the latest #celeb gossip! Duh!). They’d much rather be mistaken for Edward fucking Cullen than set foot inside of a tanning salon.

So what do you do if you run into a straight bro coming out of tanning booth 3? We’d say go for it!Ask him if he needs help putting lotion on his back. Tell him his color makes his abs look more defined. We’re positive he’ll appreciate it.

Clearly he’s a couple weeks away from coming out of the closet completely and he’s just getting nice and bronze for his coming out party. Work fast! Get it while it’s still getting. When he is finally outed, trust us, his allure will diminish almost completely.

*Caveat. There is one exception to this rule… and it’s fucking South Americans. They throw everything off when it comes to the tanning theory, so be careful. He might kiss you on the cheek twice, but that doesn’t mean he’s #DTB.


One Response to “…Tan”

  1. therealbryon-or gay sex and the city September 17, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    lol..you got it right on spot! funny!

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