…Read US Weekly

17 Sep

Look, we’re all about equal rights here at Straight Men Don’t. We would never suggest an activity is strictly for one gender or sexual orientation. See our caveat on #tanning.

Us Weekly Mary Kate Olsen

By far our favorite issue of The Bible. We love you MKO!

However, it is historically proven that the magazine was invented for bored socialite women who got pleasure by reading about other people’s mishaps. Hence, the magazine was born. (We’re aware that before that, scholars used to write down their super smart thoughts and send them out to their other super smart friends, tabloid style… but we’re going to file those under Almanacs. We doubt Benji Franklin told the Continental Congress to hold on while he referenced his international magazine…)

Fast forward to 2011, and bored women have included gay men in their magazine hoarding culture. There are a plethora of glossy gossip rags waiting to dish on the latest celebrity dirt. Not a fan of reading? Have no fear. E! has an entire CHANNEL devoted to magazine-ing… hosted by none other than #Ryan Fucking Seacrest.

What is it about magazines that gay men love and that a straight man wouldn’t appreciate? First of all, magazines are super shiny, and gay men love all things shiny. Secondly, gay men love talking shit about people, and that’s all a magazine is. If we had a dollar for every time US Weekly talked shit about #Tom Cruise and his addiction to Scientology, we wouldn’t be investigating Google Adsense on our other browser window.

US Weekly is like the fucking Bible to gay men. It’s glossy, gossipy, fun to read, and has pictures of celebs dressed in fugly outfits. They also make outlandish claims about celebs that can’t possibly be verified (yes, that IS #Zac Efron spotted leaving an all-male strip club… NOT!). In short, it’s amazing.

Gay men love other magazines as well. Stacked under our bed is every back issue of Vogue since we watched read The Devil Wears Prada. In case you’re slow, #straight men don’t read Vogue.

Tom Cruise Vanity Fair

We keep this one under our mattress...

What do straight men read, you ask? For our truly straight bros who can’t be bothered with opening a book, they sift through boring fair like The New Yorker, The Economist or Sports fucking Illustrated. (Side note: some deeply closeted str8 bois will stack their coffee table up with Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition just to throw people off. Don’t be fooled).

For the last time, no one READS Playboy for the articles…

The only magazine we consider to be a stumper is Vanity Fair. Many a straight bro seek it’s pages for unbridled culture. Some just like the occasionally racy covers. We call that one a toss-up.

So if you’re stalking a straight bro you swear is #flippable, just head on over to his bathroom and check out the stacks he has next to his toilet. There’s no surer sign that a dude is #DTB than a casually placed Cosmopolitan lying around next to his pooper.

The bonus of snagging a str8 bro that reads Cosmo? As of September 2010, he knows 101 ways to elongate your pleasure using only the palm of his hands and an ice cube. Jackpot!


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