There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?
But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tom… right?
There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?
First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!
Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!
Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.
Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.
Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from
The Bible US Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.
Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!
As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.
We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.