19 Sep

I always hesitate to say straight men don’t do things that are rampant parts of society. It’s one thing for a guy trying to pass as straight to wear #man capris, which no one in their right minds still wears. It’s another thing to accuse someone of being gay for listening to pop radio.

And although there are several pop singers who tickle the fancy of men, women, gay, and straight alike, there is one queen strongstress notorious for being straight bait krypotine.

Cue Ke$sha! No seriously, someone wake her up.

Kesha Tik Tok Love is my drug

If you're looking at this picture and thinking "Maybe she needs some rehab, or maybe she just needs sleep..." you're so not straight.

With news that our favorite celebrity hot mess is int he studio recording ‘vocals’ for her new album, we couldn’t help but think there isn’t a straight man in the world who should be excited about this news.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy…

The reason Ke$ha is on the list of pop artists straight men don’t go out of their way to like is long.

First, homegirl is not cute. There I said it. I’m not afraid to ruffle some glittered and bedazzled feathers. She’s not pretty. She’s not hot. She definitely lacks a ‘I wanna bone you’ quality that straight guys require of the pop stars they tolerate.

Look at Katy Perry. Now look at Ke$ha. Who would you do? Exactly.

But gay men and women alike love Ke$ha for much more than her lack of asthetic beauty and even greater lack of hygiene. She’s a musical genius! Not only are her songs catchy as hell, they also remind us that we aren’t the biggest hot messes out there in the world.

And the Courtney Love Award for Hottest Mess goes to: Ke$ha!

If I had a dime for every time I woke up feeling like P. Diddy, I would have been able to pay for the Tik Tok download as opposed to stealing it from a shady site that may or may not have given me a virus. Her songs are true to life. They’re biographical, but only to us str8 bois.

She’s fundamentally different than the average gay icon a la Britney Spears or Lady Gaga because 1. her music lacks indisputable perfection (honestly, did we really think Tik Tok was going to win any Grammy’s?) 2. unlike icons such as Beyonce and Nicole Sherzinger or however the fuck you spell it, she’s not wank bank worthy. Straight bros like their pop stars to be either talented or masterbatable. Fact.

It’s a simple mating call in the club. The first beats of Blow come on and people look around. What? Is it a Ke$ha song? Hells yeah! The #DTB str8 bois are looking around and hoping their bros don’t sense their excitement. #Zac Efron and his posse is beside themselves with glee. The next thing you know, the gay guys and their fruit flies are grinding away on the dance floor and the guys trying to pass are watching enviously from the sidelines.

So what do you do when you see a boy you know is #flippable jamming out to Ke$ha? Honestly, if we have to answer that, you don’t deserve to land a straight man. You sit on that shit and you grind away. Hit on him now. Ask questions later.

There’s something about the glittery eye and the obvious lack of a shower that turns straight men off where it turns str8 bois on… so pay close attention to the guy in the group who’s bobbing along to We Are Who Are and make your move when the time is right.

Sometimes it really is THAT simple.


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