Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

22 Sep

In the past, we’ve been accused of ‘fairy fantastical’ speculation regarding some of the guys we feel are so not straight. Guess the fuck what? We don’t give a rat’s smoking behind.

But we will dial it down this time and attempt to out someone who’s two shakes away from being outed anyway.

Andy Cooper, we’re talking to you, stud. 

Anderson Cooper

Yeah, we'd hit that.

Why this silver fox hasn’t come out of the closet is beyond us. He more than has job security with Anderson Cooper 360. Who else is going to anchor a show titled ANDERSON COOPER 360? And even with that bomb of a daytime talk show, CNN would be be crazy to fire him for coming out. They’d lose ever single gay who cares about the news. That’s like seven or eight viewers right there.

Not only are we 99.9 percent sure that Anderson swings #Tim Gunn’s way, we’re prepared to skip #flippable and go ahead and declare AC360 full on #DTB. Bold move, you say? We’ve done it before. And before. And before that too. Come to think of it, we’re on a roll.

We knew Ricky Martin was gay before Ricky Martin knew that Ricky Martin was gay.

What makes us so sure? Besides the fact that Anderson tips the scale so far passed metro with his perfectly coiffed hair and smooth as alabaster skin, that has never seen a #tanning bed, mind you, the facts speak for themselves.

He’s old and unwed. He puts a new meaning to the single uncle postulate, and you know what? We like it. I bet you anything he’s having lunch at the Ivy as we speak with Stanley Tucci and at least two of the four hands at that table are under the white tablecloth. Just saying.

But mommy, why isn’t Uncle Anderson married? And why does he always come over with Uncle Stanley? And why do they use the bathroom at the same time?

Need further proof? Cue his fruit bat, Kathy Fucking Griffin. Is there a better partner in homosexual crime than THE Kathy Griffin? We think not. First of all, we’re ready to declare that straight men don’t go to Kathy shows, let alone HOST shows with her. The way she makes him blush every New Year’s makes us blush for him.

Anderson Cooper Gay Boyfriend

Biking Buddies or Butt Buddies? You be the judge.

Just for good measure, let me remind you that he’s an outspoken fan of The Real Housewives franchise (specifically BH and Atlanta). Umm… hello. It doesn’t take a genius to know that straight men are careful what they #watch, and that Bravo is not part of their DVR schedule. Just saying.

Still not convinced he’s a total mo? Check out the video of him giggling like a school child. Now we would never go on record saying that gay men are more giggly than straight men, but come on. Don’t be ridiculist. It’s almost scientifically proven that gay men are indeed more giggly than straight men.

Look, folks. We’ve called out several famous men on this blog, including #royalty. But we’ve never called out a fucking Vanderbilt. But are we worried that he comes from the third most powerful American Dynasty after the Kennedy’s and the Smiths of Willow and Jaden Smith?

Fuck no!

Because the truth is the ultimate defense against libel. And we’re pretty solidly sure that Anderson Cooper being a raging ‘mo is the God’s honest truth.

 

Advertisements

One Response to “Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight”

  1. Kel September 23, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    Hey, the daytime show’s ratings have been improving and he’s settling into it! I think it just needs some time to establish itself and find what works while he becomes more comfortable with the new role.

    Andy and Benjamin are a cute couple. And they live in a firehouse, how cool is that?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: