…Watch Twilight

28 Sep

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

Twilight is Pretty Gay

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Twilight Brokeback Mountain

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.

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