Archive | October, 2011

…Join Boy Bands

11 Oct
Nsync is gay

Open wide Justin. Singing a high tenor solo or practicing to kiss the tip in the tour bus later?

So we’re just going to say it. One in five men in a boy band is a blatant homosexual. The other four are closet homosexuals.

Most people think that boy bands started in the late 90’s. Those people are fucking retarded. Boy bands have been around since at least the 60’s. And for our salt, we’re willing to bet that Shakespeare was running around singing jingles with four other closeted guys in tights. We’re just saying.

So what makes the practice of boy banding such a gay thing? It’s simple. One, we all know that straight men don’t do musicals, and being in a boy band is like being in a musical 24 fucking 7. I mean come on, Jesse McCartney was in a boy band, and we all know he’s like a poor man’s #Zac Efron.

Besides having to sing and dance to seriously gay tunes, something a bro that wasn’t #DTB wouldn’t be caught dead doing, the life of a boy bander is filled with drama and #tabloid gossip. Str8 bros eat that shit up. Straight men… not so much.

Which leads us to why exactly gay men go gaga over boy bands. Here’s a hint… it’s not the same reason we’re so into #Ke$ha. For starters, every boy band has at least two members we would definitely turn it over for. We’re talking to you Ringo and Paul!

Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet. Oh but they’re so spaced out! B-b-b-b-Benny and the Jets!

Walk into any gay bar and you will find at least two bitch fights going on about whether or not N’sync or Backstreet Boys were better… and about which members were sleeping with each other. Spoiler alert: ALL of them!

No one has that many gay fans without, at some point, either becoming gay or having a gay child. Right Cher? Exactly.

Now, we’re not saying every single boy in every single group is gay. Trying telling that to Steven Tyler and his massively massive tongue that we’re sure could work wonders in the boudoir. But we are saying that the majority are at least #flippable, and that most of those bros have been in the center of a #circle jerk or two.

What do you do when you’re on a bus for twelve hours and you really want a BJ? Why, you ask Lance Bass to the #kiss the fucking tip.

We know we’re verging on wishful thinking here… I mean, God, wouldn’t it be great if Justin Timberlake were a ‘mo. Well, we’re hear to say the jury is still fucking out. Until we hear otherwise, we’re ready to file Jessica Biel behind #Katie Holmes and call it a day.

You may as well just go ahead and call them the Backdoor Boys for all we care. Yes, Howie. I want it that way.

Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about… what’s the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out.

We’re willing to confess that we seduced several guys in the couple of boy bands we were in during the course of high school and college. I mean, have you ever been to an acapella group festival? It’s like a fucking str8 bros dream, second only to Bryant Park during #fashion week as the gayest event in the all.

So if you can’t join a boy band, we’d say spend a summer stalking one. Some call it being a groupie. We call it back packing through Europe with a purpose. We’re more than confident that you’ll get your fair share of boy band juice by the time your road trip is over. Bet on it, bet on it, you can bet on that!

…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

…Wrestle

5 Oct

Okay. We know we’re narrowing the sports field down with some of these posts. But like we’ve always said, caveats exist in the world of Straight Men Don’t, so if you’re a wrestler, go rub some anti-herpes simplex two medication on your chest, and stop getting your uni in a pinch.

Some people call this practice. We call it fucking foreplay.

There are a million reasons why wrestling tops our list of sports that straight men don’t do. First and foremost, anyone who’s seen a wrestling match knows that the technique employed to bring your partner down is the same technique I employ when I want to make my partner come.

I’m not trying to be vulgar. I’m simply trying to be real.

Simulating gay sex is something the ancient Greeks loved to do. It allowed them to have gay sex without necessarily getting stoned by the magistrate. All in the name of sport. Win, fucking win.

It’s not gay! It’s just horseplay!

How this practice survived to the current century (we can never remember which one it is, to be honest), we have no clue. But it’s here, they’re queer, and we like it.

Aside from the fact that wrestling is pretty much gay sex with lycra on, there’s the small thing called the wrestler’s bone. We’ve all seen it. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine sent me a few NSFW .gifs with several wrestler’s bones dangling about. Needless to say, I hurriedly took my fifteen minute break in the stock room.

It’s inevitable. Every wrestler will tell you that it’s natural to pop a boner when someone is rubbing up against you so aggressively. It’s human nature.

WRONG.

It’s gay nature. It’s bad enough you put yourself in a situation where you had to be groped and prodded by men, but then your basic biology betrayed you as well. Straight men don’t let their biology betray them. Ever.

Pinned ya! Pinned ya again!

The only thing a straight bro wants to wrestle is a girl’s bra strap. Fact.

But much like several other things on this list, wrestling provides with a little bit of an enigma. You see, the sport itself, although layered in gay symbolism, is very very masculine. Which is why wrestlers are the trifecta for boys trying to get a #flippable notch on their belt.

You’d never know a wrestler was gay just by looking at him. It’s only when he’s pinned to the ground for six seconds with a hard on peeking out of his unitard that you say to yourself… hmm… I wonder if he’s #DTB.

Our advice? Stalk your local school’s wrestling team and suss out the one that A. Doesn’t have wrestler’s herpes, and B. Has #Ke$ha on his warm up tape. Invite him over one night, serve him a couple of #cocktails, and then ask him to show you some of his moves. You’ll have pinned to the bed in one, two, three!

Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

Straight Men Don’t Lingo #4

3 Oct

The more we write, the more people wonder what the hell we’re writing about. We know, sometimes we use a secret language. It’s called fag. If you speak it fluently, chances are you’re #so not straight.

So now that you know what #DTB and #Flippable mean, it’s time to explain our favorite phrase (and one of our favorite activities, to be honest).

Kiss the tip.

What does it mean? It’s not a full on BJ, if that’s where your mind went. While it encompasses the same elements of your classic nod, there is one key difference.

A guy who let’s you kiss the tip isn’t necessarily letting YOU kiss the tip. On most occasions, he simply wants his tip kissed. End of story.

But it is a direct indication of his flippability. Straight men don’t just let another guy kiss the tip unless they’ve thought about a guy in that way. And what does thinking about a guy in that way mean? Exactly. Now we’ve come full circle.

Pun intended.

Some str8 bois will tell you they’re really horny and actually imagining a girl kissing the tip. We wonder how many times #Nicole Kidman had to hear that one before she realized it was a crock of shit.

Kissing the tip is the gateway drug to full on DTB. Some guys stall out after a few male-on-male tip sessions. Some guys will offer to return the favor. But only a true and classic flipper can turn a simple KTT into a full on sex session. Bonus points if he kisses you after you kiss the tip. It’s then that you’ve found the holy fucking grail.

 

…Sleepover

3 Oct

There’s really only one way to slice this puppy. Straight men don’t ‘sleepover’. Some might call it slumber party, while others may call it spending the night. Whatever your local colloquialism is, it’s the same cookie served the same way.

A sleepover is defined simply. An event in which one is invited to stay overnight while participating in planned events. Needless to say, accidentally partying too hard at your friend’s house and passing out on the bathroom floor does not a sleepover make. Prior knowledge is the distinction.

Did you pack your jammies and an extra pillow?

I know what you’re thinking. Grown ups don’t have sleepovers. We left that behind like denim jumpers in the seventh grade.

WRONG!

Why, just the other day, I was invited to a slumber party. Of course instead of playing POGS and drinking grape soda, we watched #Grey’s Anatomy and drank red wine (umm, we’re classy gals. We don’t drink #cocktails on school nights).

This sort of event is the adult equivalent of that adolescent favorite. And we’re appalled to learn that there are straight men out there who think it’s perfectly okay for them to participate. You know who else had sleepovers? Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin. HELLO!

Let’s break this down for you.

What goes on at your traditional slumber party? Oodles and oodles of gossip, that’s for damn sure. Maybe a mani-pedi treatment layered in there. #Cosmos, naturally, or other such fruity cocktails. A romantic comedy is usually on the agenda as well. And straight men don’t watch romantic comedies.

Slumber party

Cute when you're 8. Not cute when you're 28.

But the biggest reason we can’t condone straight bros going over to a friend’s house with a toothbrush and pajama bottoms in tow is because we all know what happens around 3 a.m. when we’re overserved but too antsy to go to bed.

Sex talk.

Yes, folks. We can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. And any bro who puts himself in that kind of murky situation was clearly looking to be thrown into that situation to begin with. Nothing spells #DTB quite like a guy who wants to stay up all night with you ‘just for fun’.

Would you go to a waterpark and not want to get wet? E-fucking-xactly. It’s a str8 boi’s dream to get invited to a slumber party by some other str8 bois. It’s where the #circle jerk was first invented, we’re pretty sure. Being up late and delirious is the perfect excuse to say something that will lead to something… and trust us, if we had a dollar for every time a sleep over turned into a not-so-sleep-over, we’d be filing a special 1080 come April 15th.

The rules are simple. Accidentally spending the night is A-okay. Premeditated slumber partying is a gay offense in the first degree.

So what do you do when a ‘straight’ bro invites you over to spend the night? Our advice is to manscape, moisturize, and chug a Red Bull every two hours. The worst thing is getting the opening and then blowing it by falling asleep before you get to blow it.