Archive | November, 2011

…Abbrev

29 Nov

Nothing says 'I'm Secretly Gay' quite like an avid texter on a pink phone.

This one here is a tricky one. Most straight men will see this post title and think to themselves, “What the hell is abbrev? Is that a place in the Middle East?”

But there is one in ten amongst you who will look at that and go, “Obvi… abbrev. Duhzies.”

If you are the latter, you are so not straight.

Abbreviating one’s words became popular with the plastic crowds around the time we got our first pink Razr phone back in the sixth grade. See, in those days before full keyboard enabled texting, sending messages was a bit of a bitch. So we created abbrevs.

BRB. TTYL. LYLAS (Or love you like a bro and sis… obvi). Those were only the beginning.

Before long, and regardless of the fact that abbrevs often take up more time to spell than the actual word or phrase, gays and girls started abbreviating everything. We’re talking everything.

OMG, it’s just my BFF Jill.

You see, abbreviating is a fundamental part of the dialect known as Fag. You English speakers have Nouns and Verbs… we have Abbrevs and words that end in zies

Straight bros, however, find this practice nonsensical. Just like a straight bro wouldn’t be caught dead sporting this season’s most fetching #man capris, he wouldn’t be caught dead texting in abbreviations if his life depended on it.

And don’t get us started on emoticons.

It’s almost a no-brainer. Clearly abbreviating is reserved for fruitcakes and the fruit flies who circle them.

You would think, wouldn’t you? But it was when I received text after text from “straight” bros who still claim to order off the fish menu that I had to take pause.

Why are straight men texting in shorthand? Because they’re so not straight, that’s why. Abbreviating is the new official language of #Flipville, fellas. So if you don’t want your gay card counted in the census, you’d better learn how to spell obviously correctly.

Abbreving isn’t just a language for the str8 bros amongst us. It’s part of a bigger and badder lifestyle. It’s the first thing a baby-gay learns to do when he’s spreading his wings and getting ready to put #Grey’s Anatomy on his DVR season pass. It’s the lemon drop shot before the #Cosmo. It’s the icing before the fucking cake.

You wouldn’t go to Spain without learning to speak a little bit of Spanglesh, would you?

It’s for this very reason that str8 bois don’t #KTT without knowing what #DTB stands for. If he speaks in abbrevs, you can get him to his knees… it rhymes, so it must be true.

So what do you when a str8 boi you’re crushing on totes abbrevs in his next text to you? Call him out faster than you’d call out a whore at Sunday mass. Invite him over. Make him choose from your lube buffet and plow on. It really is that simple. If he’s BRB, then he’s most likely DTF… and that’s an abbreviation we can get behind.

…Have Small Dogs

24 Nov

Let’s face it. The longer we keep this list going, the less and less straight men are going to feel safe doing in broad day light. Do we give a rat’s feathered behind?  Hell no. You know why not? Because it’s time for straight bros to take back the night. That’s right, fellows. Declare your masculinity. In this ever metro-fying world, it’s all you have left.

But I assure you with 100 percent confidence that you will not be able to reclaim your masculinity with a fucking lap dog.

It isn’t rocket science, folks. Straight bros don’t carry small dogs. It’s a matter of proportion. Smaller canines fit in smaller places… like purses. For women.

At first, I didn’t think that straight men even had small dogs. I thought there was a special class in school that pulled the straight guys aside and issued them each a golden retriever and an unused Playboy magazine. I spent much of my adult life convinced I was absent on this day of class.

Does this tiny shirt make me look gay? No, but that tiny ass dog sure does the trick...

But alas, after learning that the dog park is where many a str8 bro go to fraternize, I realized I was wrong. Guys the world over are running around with tiny ass chihuahas and still claiming they prefer fish tacos over tube steak.

Yeah fucking right!

The only reason a guy would get a weiner is because he wants weiner.

On the other hand, str8 bois love little tiny dogs. Forget that they’re trendy as shit. Mini dogs are like the gays of the canine world. They are undoubtedly bitchy, full of energy, hilarious, and easy to love. Try saying that about a German Shephard.

The reasons a straight bro would steer clear of a little yapping dog, however, are endless. Besides the fact that they make one appear gay at first glance, little teacup animals are meant to be pampered. Straight bros don’t have time for that shit. They take Air Bud to the dog park to pick up chicks while maybe getting a by-proxy #tan. It isn’t because Princess requires one to two hours of laying out per day.

Add in the cost of maintance and you’ve already maxed out the average straight man’s Give-A-Damn.

So sweetie, we’re not saying that your boyfriend and his miniature poodle are definitely watching #The A-Team with one hand under the pillow any time B. Cooper is on screen… but we are saying he’s definitely #DTB.

Incidentally, bois, because the dog park is still considered hetero central, going there and scoping out a #flippable dog owner is like fishing with a wide open net. We don’t know much about the art of fishing, but we’re assuming that the wider the net, the easier the catch. So go, grab some sunscreen and the brand new #Us Weekly and go fish… the str8 bros bite nice.

Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

…Garden

14 Nov

Hey there folks. We’re back from hiatus, and like internet-less phoenixes, we are rising from the ashes and once again borrowing free signal from our neighbors. Whoever said the gays aren’t crafty as shit?

Speaking of which, str8 bros love to craft. Whether it be knitting for our older str8 bros or painting watercolor paintings for our high str8 bros, there is something about making art with our hands that makes not-so-straight men giddy with glee.

And the number one craft project of all? Gardening.

Besides old single ladies and hipsters who wish they lived in Manhattan live in Brooklyn, the only demographic of people you’ll find gardening are #DTB in one way or another. Why, just the other weekend, we heard tell from a friend of mine whose friend of his just came out. The newly out baby-gay proceeded to make Rosemary Chicken and a spinach salad using fresh ingredients… from his garden.

Why is gardening such a gay task? Why, it involves spending hours in a full on squat position. We all know why you’re trying to work out those quads, and it isn’t because you’re going out for the #wrestling team.

You're never too old to come out. See this dinosaur finally giving in to his life's passion...

Yes, gardening is relaxing. It gives people with stressful lives something to do that they can control. But let’s be real. Knowledge of flowers is gay as shit. The only thing straight men know about flowers is when to call 1-800-Florist because they’ve fucked up.

Ladies, if he knows what a fresia looks like, he’s probably fucking Frank the Florist… puts a whole knew spin on those popped cherry blossoms he got you for forgetting Valentine’s day, huh?

Caveat: One must not confuse farming with gardening. With that said, one must not hit on a farmer anyway, so that confusion is moot at best.

Caveat redux: If he’s a Mexican (trust us, you’ll be able to tell), we would gather a few more clues before we automatically assume he’s DTB if we were you. Just saying.

So what do you do when you venture over to your local gardening annex and see a grown man bending over to get the good earth stuck between his finger nails? First, you ask yourself if this kind of person is worth it. Trust us. The closeted gardner has a lot of feelings and by god if he’s not willing to share them. He’ll think you’re best friends right off the bat because, SURPRISE, he’s probably never had a best friend. If you’re okay treading these introverted waters, then by all means. Proceed to step two.

This kind of guy is easily #flipped by something classy. Invite him to a wine and cheese night, and by the time he’s done telling you about his petunias, he’ll realize he’s the only other guest. You’ll have him flipped faster than he can prune a fucking rose.