Archive | December, 2011

…Cook

21 Dec

Okay, Bobby Flay. Don’t get your chef’s apron in a tight little wad before we paint our case. Clearly there will be caveats, but hear us out before you toss this post off the list.

Who wants to lick the spoon??

There are several things that straight men do that could go either way. Hell, I lived in a Frat house for three years and I saw every single one of those things first hand. (Have you ever watched a straight guy exfoliate for the first time? Not a good look).

But one place that has managed to be a sanctuary for str8 bros the world over is still protected, unlike those really tall trees in South America everyone is pooh-poohing about.

Yes, indeed, I am talking about the kitchen.

Watch a guy throw down a sticky bechamel sauce, lick that white and creamy off the spoon to taste, and tell me you can’t imagine him throwing down with Bobby Flay… so to speak.

Cooking, like #wearing scarves, is an art that our Euro-bros taught us, and gay men have clung to. Give us a box of ingredients, a stove, and a sauce pan, call me Paula Dean, and call it a day. I’m baking scones, bitches!

One must not confuse grilling with cooking. Grilling is #totes an acceptable activity for truly straight bros, even while their str8 counterparts are inside fixing a complimentary salad. It’s just the way it is. Why? Cave men grilled. Cave men weren’t gay… at first. They became gay when one of them found a bundt pan and decided to make a pound cake.

Excuse our excessive use of euphemism. Sorry we’re totes not sorry.

We are well aware that the majority of chefs in America are male, and that of that majority, the majority is straight. We get it, Ted Allen. You can go back to hanging out with #Ryan Seacrest now.

But remember what we said about #sunglasses? If you’re doing it for money, it’s not quite as gay as when you’re doing it for leisure. We’re not saying go hit on every sous chef this side of the Macaroni Grill. But if a guy offers to cook dinner for you in his free time, chances are he’s so not straight.

We’re also willing to make a caveat for guys who don’t cook well. These guys aren’t necessarily gay… they’re probably just hungry.

I made Ramen a la Eggs and Salsa. Want to come over?

There is a point, however, where his cooking for you isn’t simply entertaining in that “oh he tried” kind of way. It crosses over into the “oh, he wants Guy Fieri to #kiss the tip” kind of way.

No he’s not watching food network to see Giada at home… trust me!

So guys, the next time one of your bros invites you over to taste his Coq au Vin, make sure you bring a Coq au Condom, ’cause chances are things are about to get messy in the kitchen.

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…Wear Scarves

10 Dec

I look so masculine... from the neck up.

As this winter rages on, with snow in December threatening to fade our fall #tans before the new year even hits, men of all shapes and sizes are taking drastic measures to stay warm. Why, just the other day, I counted sixteen wrapped scarves on the necks of men who, all things considered, I would have pegged for straight.

Not anymore.

We here at SMD don’t give a shit how cold it is outside. Wearing scarves has always been a ‘mo-ish thing, since the first gay caveman killed his very first kashmir goat in the heights of the Himalayas and wrapped that bitch’s pelt around his neck. Don’t believe us? Research that shit.

The scarf is right up there with the #sunglass as a totally two-sided accessory. Sure it has it’s uses. Sure it wards off your chances of pnuemonia or the flu or some such disgusting illness. Sure it keeps your body temp regulated while the weather outside is frightful.

Oh, doll, your pashmina is so delightful!

But at the very end of the day, wrapping that scarf into a classic Four-in-Hand is something only str8 bros would be caught doing. True straight men would rather freeze to death. Trust us, we’ve seen it.

Why is the scarf such a fruity pebble?

Despite what the Gap tells metro guys (or PC for Gay In Five Years, but more on that later), there is no masculine way to wear a scarf. It’s like slipping a broach onto your suit lapel. What the fuck are you doing?

Scarves dangle in a way that is decidedly feminine, no matter how low brow the color or unassuming the design. Even a simple black knit scarf carries with it an air of homosexuality. There’s really nothing you can do about it.

Think about the kind of guys that wear neck pieces with reckless abandon. Euro-fucking-peans. We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times. Don’t make us bust out the jingle…

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

The French started this thing, and gays the world over bought into it. Is it our fault? No… blame it on our Francophilia. Since then, men in England, Germany, Italy, and Brazil have made it a mainstay in fashion, where it belongs.

Not around the necks of bros trying to pass themselves off as straight. But because the scarf is making its way into society, it’s the easiest way to come out to other str8 bros without coming out to your truly straight friends. Sure they’ll ask why the fuck you’re tying your grandma’s doily around your neck. You’ll respond with something quippy like how warm it keeps you. When you finally make it to the bar, you’ll spot the other lone gay in the next group and you two will hit it off.

You: Where’d you get your scarf from?

Him: J. Crew. Want to feel.

You: Sure… in the bathroom. Don’t tell my bros, but I’m totally #DTB.

And that’s how it happens.

Is anyone surprised to see Hollywood's most powerful str8 boi sporting the latest craze in fashion? Hellz no.

Fellows, on your quest to find a straight bro and bag him quickly, look for the subtle clues. Straight men don’t wear scarves, at least not in public. So if you spot a hottie sporting a half-bow, hop on that shit as quickly as possible. A scarf this season means he’s probably coming out soon. And you know what that means…

Come summer, he’ll be slipping into a brand new pair of grade-A #man capris.

**Warning: We know we have a lot of female readers (and by a lot, we mean half a dozen). Ladies, do not buy your man a scarf for #Christmas. It’s almost like you’re begging for him to get harassed by your GBFF, Tony. And if we know straight bros, we know that he can only say “Dude, I’m not gay” so many times before he asks himself what the big deal is…

…Give Good Gifts

9 Dec

We all know the gays aren’t the fastest readers, but come the fuck on guys. If you started reading this title and thought Straight Men Don’t Give Good… something else, you’re as perverted as that glory hole you went to on your lunch break yesterday (Bonus points of perversion if you were fifteen minutes late to clock back in and you told your boss your oil change ran over time).

But no, we’re not talking about the gagless gift that will inevitably bring all the boys to the yard. As Christmas approaches, we couldn’t help but wonder what separates straight bros from their str8 boi counterparts during these festiv times.

History has shown us time and time again that straight men are incapable of being thoughtful (… and by history, we mean TGIF sitcoms from the nineties. Thanks Tim the Tool Man Taylor!). Having the ability to give a well thought out, meaningful, personal, and yet still semi-practical gift is beyond their molecular code. It just isn’t in their DNA.

Str8 bros, on the other hand, make the kind of boyfriends you hear about giving the worlds greatest gifts. Why? Because God blessed us with the ability to understand women and ignore that portion of our brains that make us think like a man.

Yes, I said God… get thee over it.

We’re not saying that straight bros are stupid. In fact, they’re pretty smart. Too smart, sometimes. To them, a practical gift like NFL Sunday Ticket for six free months is the best gift. It gives us something we can do together, honey.

Not quite, sweetie!

Even the ones that aren’t that dense still think a box of Anaise Anaise perfume with a cute Macy’s bow around it is sufficient.

Isn’t that what #Tom Cruise gave that giant Australian wax statue for their anniversary?

Sometimes saying "Here's your favorite show, honey!" sounds more like "I'm a fucking fairy!"

Try again.

Only a GBFF will know that what she really wants this Chanukkah season is that locket she saw once at that antique store you passed once in that city you visited once on that date you had once. So go get the fucking locket.

Gay men have the ability to go outside of themselves and think sentimentally without getting all Edward from #Twilight sappy. As brutally honest as we are on a day to day basis- no, you do not look like #Kim Kardashian in that dress- when it comes to giving gifts, we’re better at it than anyone.

“Oh honey… I love the matching #sunglasses. Yay!”

They don’t say Keep the Yuletide Gay for nothing!

So ladies, this is a message straight from me to you. If your boyfriend gives you the world’s sweetest gifts’ if said gifts are delivered with great penash and style; and if you for a second think that that gift couldn’t come from a guy as straight as your man, listen to teacher: your man isn’t straight.

It really is that fucking simple.

I know, I know, everyone wants to be the girl that tells her friends her man got her tickets to see the closing night of Wicked because he knows she loves #musicals, but come on ladies. Nothing spells #DTB during the Holidays than a big ole heap of good gift giving.

Kris Humphries… He’s So Not Straight

7 Dec

Hi there folks. We were doing a bit of research for our next outing, and it came down to Kris Kardashian Humphries and Macaulay Culkin. We decided we would hold off on calling out Macaulay because he’s such a no brainer, outing him made our heads hurt.

Kris Humpries on the other hand isn’t quite as obvious.

Duhzies… he married Kim Kardashian for like five minutes. He can’t be gay… right?

Wrong!

Let’s see what one of our #Bibles has to say about his homosexuality… a cover picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

The proof is in the fucking pudding. It's a wife's intuition.

Let’s dissect the clues, shall we?

First and foremost, there’s his close proximity to #The Kardashian mafia. We all know that straight men would rather stick unlubricated q-tips down their urethra than keep up with even a single Kardashian (with the exception of possibly Kendall). Keeping up with that shit is a str8 bro’s prerogative, and a truly straight man wants no part of it.

Kris, however, has been keeping up with that shit since the day he bought his first pair of #shades. Why else would he fill out the application on E! to marry Kim? Hello! He wanted in, without having to stick it in.

Seriously, if you think that wedding was anything less than a grade A sham, you are seriously delush (that’s #abbrev for delusional in case you missed your last fag lesson).

Let’s not even start on the spelling of his name. Everyone knows that Kris is a gay man’s Chris. What the fuck is Kris even short for? Kristina, that’s what.

My name is Toni.. with an I… bitch, that’s so not straight.

Let’s talk about the boy’s nature now. It’s one thing to want #Ryan Seacrest for a boss, but we saw the look K-Hump gave that wiley social climber during his vows. He might have been talking to Kim, but we all know who those words were directed towards.

Let’s talk about the moment we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that homeboy was a big fat homo. It was when we were doing what other str8 bros do on Sunday night- watching KUWTK- and saw Khump shaving Scott’s armpits. Come on folks.There is no greater red flag that the guy is #DTB than watching him shave another man. It’s the armpits today; it’s the pubes tomorrow. By next week, the two of them will be bleaching each other’s assholes and picking spinach from each other’s teeth.

I’m the biggest proponent of calling a spade a spade, and Kris’s spade has a big fat fruit drawn on it. If it wasn’t for the goofy Frankenstein face, we’d be glad to welcome him on the list. We just can’t get over that furrowed brow.

But if he’s your not-so-straight cup of tea, we say climb that tall mulatto tree and hop on. If he can shave a man’s chest, he can definitely let a man #KTT.