…Give Good Gifts

9 Dec

We all know the gays aren’t the fastest readers, but come the fuck on guys. If you started reading this title and thought Straight Men Don’t Give Good… something else, you’re as perverted as that glory hole you went to on your lunch break yesterday (Bonus points of perversion if you were fifteen minutes late to clock back in and you told your boss your oil change ran over time).

But no, we’re not talking about the gagless gift that will inevitably bring all the boys to the yard. As Christmas approaches, we couldn’t help but wonder what separates straight bros from their str8 boi counterparts during these festiv times.

History has shown us time and time again that straight men are incapable of being thoughtful (… and by history, we mean TGIF sitcoms from the nineties. Thanks Tim the Tool Man Taylor!). Having the ability to give a well thought out, meaningful, personal, and yet still semi-practical gift is beyond their molecular code. It just isn’t in their DNA.

Str8 bros, on the other hand, make the kind of boyfriends you hear about giving the worlds greatest gifts. Why? Because God blessed us with the ability to understand women and ignore that portion of our brains that make us think like a man.

Yes, I said God… get thee over it.

We’re not saying that straight bros are stupid. In fact, they’re pretty smart. Too smart, sometimes. To them, a practical gift like NFL Sunday Ticket for six free months is the best gift. It gives us something we can do together, honey.

Not quite, sweetie!

Even the ones that aren’t that dense still think a box of Anaise Anaise perfume with a cute Macy’s bow around it is sufficient.

Isn’t that what #Tom Cruise gave that giant Australian wax statue for their anniversary?

Sometimes saying "Here's your favorite show, honey!" sounds more like "I'm a fucking fairy!"

Try again.

Only a GBFF will know that what she really wants this Chanukkah season is that locket she saw once at that antique store you passed once in that city you visited once on that date you had once. So go get the fucking locket.

Gay men have the ability to go outside of themselves and think sentimentally without getting all Edward from #Twilight sappy. As brutally honest as we are on a day to day basis- no, you do not look like #Kim Kardashian in that dress- when it comes to giving gifts, we’re better at it than anyone.

“Oh honey… I love the matching #sunglasses. Yay!”

They don’t say Keep the Yuletide Gay for nothing!

So ladies, this is a message straight from me to you. If your boyfriend gives you the world’s sweetest gifts’ if said gifts are delivered with great penash and style; and if you for a second think that that gift couldn’t come from a guy as straight as your man, listen to teacher: your man isn’t straight.

It really is that fucking simple.

I know, I know, everyone wants to be the girl that tells her friends her man got her tickets to see the closing night of Wicked because he knows she loves #musicals, but come on ladies. Nothing spells #DTB during the Holidays than a big ole heap of good gift giving.

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