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Kris Humphries… He’s So Not Straight

7 Dec

Hi there folks. We were doing a bit of research for our next outing, and it came down to Kris Kardashian Humphries and Macaulay Culkin. We decided we would hold off on calling out Macaulay because he’s such a no brainer, outing him made our heads hurt.

Kris Humpries on the other hand isn’t quite as obvious.

Duhzies… he married Kim Kardashian for like five minutes. He can’t be gay… right?

Wrong!

Let’s see what one of our #Bibles has to say about his homosexuality… a cover picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

The proof is in the fucking pudding. It's a wife's intuition.

Let’s dissect the clues, shall we?

First and foremost, there’s his close proximity to #The Kardashian mafia. We all know that straight men would rather stick unlubricated q-tips down their urethra than keep up with even a single Kardashian (with the exception of possibly Kendall). Keeping up with that shit is a str8 bro’s prerogative, and a truly straight man wants no part of it.

Kris, however, has been keeping up with that shit since the day he bought his first pair of #shades. Why else would he fill out the application on E! to marry Kim? Hello! He wanted in, without having to stick it in.

Seriously, if you think that wedding was anything less than a grade A sham, you are seriously delush (that’s #abbrev for delusional in case you missed your last fag lesson).

Let’s not even start on the spelling of his name. Everyone knows that Kris is a gay man’s Chris. What the fuck is Kris even short for? Kristina, that’s what.

My name is Toni.. with an I… bitch, that’s so not straight.

Let’s talk about the boy’s nature now. It’s one thing to want #Ryan Seacrest for a boss, but we saw the look K-Hump gave that wiley social climber during his vows. He might have been talking to Kim, but we all know who those words were directed towards.

Let’s talk about the moment we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that homeboy was a big fat homo. It was when we were doing what other str8 bros do on Sunday night- watching KUWTK- and saw Khump shaving Scott’s armpits. Come on folks.There is no greater red flag that the guy is #DTB than watching him shave another man. It’s the armpits today; it’s the pubes tomorrow. By next week, the two of them will be bleaching each other’s assholes and picking spinach from each other’s teeth.

I’m the biggest proponent of calling a spade a spade, and Kris’s spade has a big fat fruit drawn on it. If it wasn’t for the goofy Frankenstein face, we’d be glad to welcome him on the list. We just can’t get over that furrowed brow.

But if he’s your not-so-straight cup of tea, we say climb that tall mulatto tree and hop on. If he can shave a man’s chest, he can definitely let a man #KTT.

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Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

22 Sep

In the past, we’ve been accused of ‘fairy fantastical’ speculation regarding some of the guys we feel are so not straight. Guess the fuck what? We don’t give a rat’s smoking behind.

But we will dial it down this time and attempt to out someone who’s two shakes away from being outed anyway.

Andy Cooper, we’re talking to you, stud. 

Anderson Cooper

Yeah, we'd hit that.

Why this silver fox hasn’t come out of the closet is beyond us. He more than has job security with Anderson Cooper 360. Who else is going to anchor a show titled ANDERSON COOPER 360? And even with that bomb of a daytime talk show, CNN would be be crazy to fire him for coming out. They’d lose ever single gay who cares about the news. That’s like seven or eight viewers right there.

Not only are we 99.9 percent sure that Anderson swings #Tim Gunn’s way, we’re prepared to skip #flippable and go ahead and declare AC360 full on #DTB. Bold move, you say? We’ve done it before. And before. And before that too. Come to think of it, we’re on a roll.

We knew Ricky Martin was gay before Ricky Martin knew that Ricky Martin was gay.

What makes us so sure? Besides the fact that Anderson tips the scale so far passed metro with his perfectly coiffed hair and smooth as alabaster skin, that has never seen a #tanning bed, mind you, the facts speak for themselves.

He’s old and unwed. He puts a new meaning to the single uncle postulate, and you know what? We like it. I bet you anything he’s having lunch at the Ivy as we speak with Stanley Tucci and at least two of the four hands at that table are under the white tablecloth. Just saying.

But mommy, why isn’t Uncle Anderson married? And why does he always come over with Uncle Stanley? And why do they use the bathroom at the same time?

Need further proof? Cue his fruit bat, Kathy Fucking Griffin. Is there a better partner in homosexual crime than THE Kathy Griffin? We think not. First of all, we’re ready to declare that straight men don’t go to Kathy shows, let alone HOST shows with her. The way she makes him blush every New Year’s makes us blush for him.

Anderson Cooper Gay Boyfriend

Biking Buddies or Butt Buddies? You be the judge.

Just for good measure, let me remind you that he’s an outspoken fan of The Real Housewives franchise (specifically BH and Atlanta). Umm… hello. It doesn’t take a genius to know that straight men are careful what they #watch, and that Bravo is not part of their DVR schedule. Just saying.

Still not convinced he’s a total mo? Check out the video of him giggling like a school child. Now we would never go on record saying that gay men are more giggly than straight men, but come on. Don’t be ridiculist. It’s almost scientifically proven that gay men are indeed more giggly than straight men.

Look, folks. We’ve called out several famous men on this blog, including #royalty. But we’ve never called out a fucking Vanderbilt. But are we worried that he comes from the third most powerful American Dynasty after the Kennedy’s and the Smiths of Willow and Jaden Smith?

Fuck no!

Because the truth is the ultimate defense against libel. And we’re pretty solidly sure that Anderson Cooper being a raging ‘mo is the God’s honest truth.

 

Ian Somerhalder… He’s So Not Straight

20 Sep

Okay, we’re aware that this particular call-out is probably going to get filed under Wishful Thinking. And we’re a-okay with that. Because we can’t lie, Ian Somerhalder has been a permanent fixture in our wank banks since his first on screen male kiss with the artist formerly known as Dawson Leary back in ’02.

So why are we finally ready to call Ian out on his not-so-straight ways? Well, we’ll start circa 2002.

Ian Somerhalder and James Van Der Beek being Hot and Gay

Jamie, boo, I don't wait for our lives to be over... Let me just kiss the tip and we'll call it a day.

Now, we’re not saying that any guy who kisses a guy on screen is an automatic ‘mo. On the contrary. Plenty of straight bros make out with other dudes for the sake of the arts. Just ask Sean Penn. He won an entire Oscar for making out with str8 boi… yeah, we’re looking at you James Franco.

But anyone who’s seen Rules of Attraction knows that kiss was much more than a kiss. I mean, is there a wonder Dawson left the Creek shortly after that shit was filmed? Hello… he was heading to Fort Lauderdale, ready to turn his #man capris up and build sand castles on the fucking sand.

Then there’s the matter of his face. We’re not ready to admit there is a single straight man out there with skin that perfectly #tan and that wonderfully smooth. I mean, his complexion is flawless.

Is he borrowing skin care products from #Zac Efron? That’s for him to know and for us to wet dream about.

Yes, yes, there are a ton of guys out there that give us a similar #DTB vibe that turn out to be very straight in the long run. We are, however, willing to bet that even the straightest of those McFairies is willing to let us kiss the tip.

Your honor, I’d like to submit this into evidence. Where the fuck is his girlfriend? Someone that genetically gifted is rarely seen unattached. Even if he’s not the ‘marrying kind’, having a pretty girl in tow to balance his flawlessness is a must for a truly straight bro. Just ask George Clooney.

But because Ian is following in the footsteps of #Tom and not George, we’re just going to go ahead and stamp a rainbow across his back and get to plowing.

But there’s no evidence he’s DTB. Ya’ll are talking out of your asses!

To that we say… so the fuck what? We have a theory that has Ian’s name written all over it. It’s called the Congressman Scandal Theory.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Ian Being Gay

The proof is the fucking pudding. Straight men don't underwear dance with other men. They just don't.

Every time a Congressman shoots from the mouth, igniting a gay media firestorm, said Congressman is usually outed a short time later. Why is this? Because homophobia is the biggest clue that someone is a homosexual. If he’s definitely a ‘phobe, he’s probably a ‘mo… take those odds to Vegas, sister.

And in 2002, Ian Somerhalder was the center of an Out Magazine shitfest, in which he said some mildly offensive things towards gay guys. And we all know that #magazines are the fucking Bible. (For the record, we thought his comments were really hot… but we’re also addicted to hitting on straight bros, so…).

Ian might not have been caught tapping away under a bathroom stall at Macy’s after that, but we’re willing to bet that wasn’t the last time he kissed a guy.

Umm… let’s not forget. The guy plays a vampire on television. I’ve never met an actor who plays a vampire who wasn’t a little bit gay… just saying.

Look, we’re not saying this seduction is going to be easy. It might take a #cocktail or two, but eventually you’ll be able to talk him into showing you just how James Van Der Beek used to do it… trust us. Go for the gusto with this guy, because he’s secretly dying to show you, probably because he’s SO not straight.

Prince Harry… He’s SO Not Straight

18 Sep

We here at Straight Men Don’t won’t hesitate to call out anyone… except members of the Royal family. And anyone with a relation to the Kennedys. But this one is such a no-brainer, that we no longer give a flying fuck. We’re braking our only rule.

We’re sorry Prince Harry, but your number is up. We’re on to you, and we finally have scientific proof that you’re so not straight.

No, we don’t think you’re gay simply because you’re the cuter Prince. Get over yourself, goodbye!

There are several reasons why Prince Harry, who just celebrated his twenty-seventh birthday last week, is on our list of celebrities who have successfully fooled the world into thinking they’re straight. Like the likes of #Zac Efron and #Tom Cruise, accusing Prince Harry of being straight will result in an uproar from naive girls.

Prince Harry Gay

Do we even need to comment? A picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

No he’s not! He’s just British. You gay guys think everyone who’s cute is gay. No fair.

And so forth and so on.

We admit, we’ve had our fair share of false alarms purely because our wank bank got too full and we were willing someone to be gay, but this is a totally different case.

First, there IS the fact that he’s European. Um. Hello! Science shows us that Europeans have a much higher likelihood of being gay than Americans. It’s just the way it. Possibly because of the lack of fluoride in the water or some such chemical shit. Either way, they didn’t write an entire musical number about it in Legally Blonde the Musical because it WASN’T a valid theory. Thank you.

Then there’s the boy’s nature. He’s always been slightly limp in the wrist to us. Very giggly, even during his brother’s super serious nuptials, where he was more than likely critiquing Pippa’s dress than actually checking out his super hot sister-in-law. Is that Vera Wang or Oscar de la Renta? Either way, straight men don’t do #designers.

Sidenote… any straight bro we know would have already hit that, no questions asked. Brothers dating sisters is such a Euro-chic thing to do.

Finally, all speculation aside, there’s super serious scientific proof that the second son of Lady Di and that ugly fellow is definitely #DTB (No we don’t have pictures of him wearing #Man Capris or coming out of a #tanning booth, but how royal would that be?!?!)

Prince Harry

Check out my royal higness, Ladies... and Gentleman.

Our evidence comes from a little something called the fraternal birth order effect. Never heard of it?

Here’s the skinny: It states that the more older brothers a guy has from the same mom, the higher the chances the younger one is gay. Um… hello! Raise your have if you’re a total ‘mo with an older brother? Everyone in the room? Exactly.

We don’t usually read science or news, but we couldn’t help but take pause when we ran across this theory. It’s validated by ABC news, Time magazine, and most importantly Wikipedia. They all say the exact same thing. You’re gay because your older brother isn’t.

And Prince Harry, that’s the only proof we need. Well that and the fact that you’re as cute as a button AND fulfill our military fantasy quota as well. Don’t worry: we won’t ask, and when we’re done, we won’t tell.

So if you ever find yourself in close quarters with the Prince, first of all, count your lucky fucking stars. Shake off your nerves and throw the proposal out there. I mean, come on. He’s probably just drunk enough off #Pimm’s Cup Cosmos to take your pass seriously. Play hard to get, Kate Middleton style, and count down until you too get that royal fucking wedding… who the hell knows? Maybe Sir Elton John will sing you down the aisle… dream come fucking true!

Tom Cruise… He’s So Not Straight

17 Sep
Tom Cruise

"Oh, that Will Smith guy is so hot... I wonder if he's a down to bend just like I am..."

There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?

But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tomright?

WRONG!

There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!

Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!

Tom Cruise

Exhibit 596: Straight men don't musical. Need we say more?

Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.

Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.

Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from The Bible US Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.

Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!

As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.

We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.

Zac Efron… He’s So Not Straight

13 Sep

Fedora? Perfect Skin? Sun Kissed Tan? The only thing straight about this High School Musical-er is his perfectly coiffed hair.

There are a few celebrities that walk that ambiguous line between #straight and str8, and we all know str8 means he’s so not straight. Who is the Queen straight not straight man? Zac Fucking Efron.

Zac Efron is the straightest not straight man we know. The only thing straight about him is his hair texture, and that’s thanks to dollops and dollops of product, courtesy of ex-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens. In fact, when they broke up, he probably raided her product drawer and took a year’s supply of Garnier Fructise with him…

Straight men don’t use Garnier Fructise.

Ladies, if you’re still into Zac Efron, back the fuck up. He is so #DTB it isn’t even funny. Vanessa Hudgens couldn’t even get him up with some full frontal sexting, and we all know that bitch tried.

Just being Zac Efron violates at least a dozen things that straight men don’t do. They sure as hell don’t wear #man capris. Straight men don’t star in #musicals about high school. The only fucking straight man we’ve ever seen in a musical was Hugh Jackman, and the jury is still out on his high kicks.

Need we keep going? When was the last time you saw a straight man leaving Target with perfectly coiffed hair and a deep rich sunless tan? What was that? #Ryan Seacrest? Exactly. Straight men don’t tan on purpose. They get their tans from playing touch football shirtless on frat lawns. #Tanning booths? Straight men don’t, and we bet you anything Zac Efron is down to tan in a booth.

So the next time you find yourself on a couch watching #Grey’s Anatomy with Zac Efron, scoot on over, hand him another #vodka cran and remind yourself that he’s SO not straight.