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…Swish

3 Jan

Okay, we’re well aware that this one will require quite a detailed lead in. I suppose we could provide a picture of what swishing is, but it’s so much more fun to imagine it yourself. You’ve all seen it, so put your imagination station caps on and let’s go.

What the fuck is a swish? Quite simple, it’s a kind of walk unique and highly identifiable to gay men. I would categorize it somewhere between a saunter and a sashay.

And it’s something that straight men don’t do.

You look like you’re doing kiegles and walking at the same time!

For years, straight men have been pinched in the shoulder by their grand mothers to fix their posture. When they move down the sidewalk, they do so in a necessitous fashion. Yes, I am fully aware that I am generalizing to the upteenth degree here, but come on. It’s my blog. I’ll do what I want.

If he walks like a fruit, give the guy a fucking banana.

We’ve all seen gay men walk down the hall or the sidewalk or past us on the street, #sunglasses drawn, #scarf a blow, Starbucks straw raised and poised. If he looks like he’s walking straight towards a midafternoon #circle jerk, chances are he probably is.

It is this walk that is famous among the gays and their most famously closeted str8 counterparts. It is this walk that Tyra Banks tries to teach a gaggle of awkward girls every season cycle of America’s Next Top Institutionalized Retard.

Don’t get us started on guys who swish at the #small dog park.

When I was in college, we used to spend hours and hours sitting in the quad and watching the str8 bois emerge from their closets and strut down the sidewalk. Ask me who I thought was a GIFY before I even talked to them and I assure you I was correct 80% of the time.

You see, the swish is unmistakable. It isn’t quite as exxxagerated as the saunter that most fire hazard gay men employ, but like the runway saunter, it does focus attention to the hips.

And sweetie pie, the hips don’t lie.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, str8 bros are always trying to attract the attention of other str8 bros. So is it a surprise that they’d walk this way?

I mean, have you seen the way #Ryan Seacrest waltzes around the Kodak theater towards hunks like David Cook and Amber Adam Lambert? His gay swish is only rivaled by his #boyfriend’s Shakira inspired glide.

We won’t pretend like we place 100% outing certainty on something as trivial as a walk. Why there are some gay men out there who stalk around like bulls in China shops. And likewise, there are some truly straight bros out there who have a little wiggle in their jiggle.

I’m not gay. I just walk like Kim Kardashian at a the Pro Bowl because of my scoliosis!

It may be the easiest on the list to spot, but be warned, it is also the easiest to mistake.

 

But in conjunction with other clues, one can ascertain a true swish. And when you see one, you’ll know.

So what do you when you spot a guy strutting it down the street with just a little bit too much movement in his midsection? You stop, stare, give him the once over while gingerly licking your lips, and then watch him double back and ask for your number. He knows you noticed. You know you know you noticed. He knows you know that you know that he noticed. And so forth and so on.

And with that folks, we welcome you to the new year by advising you to walk the walk… we’ll talk the talk in a later post.

P.S. We didn’t come across this until after our post was written, so excuse the sloppy add-on but bam! It’s scien-fucking-tific that the swish exists. See for yourselves and tell us we don’t speak truth.

…Cook

21 Dec

Okay, Bobby Flay. Don’t get your chef’s apron in a tight little wad before we paint our case. Clearly there will be caveats, but hear us out before you toss this post off the list.

Who wants to lick the spoon??

There are several things that straight men do that could go either way. Hell, I lived in a Frat house for three years and I saw every single one of those things first hand. (Have you ever watched a straight guy exfoliate for the first time? Not a good look).

But one place that has managed to be a sanctuary for str8 bros the world over is still protected, unlike those really tall trees in South America everyone is pooh-poohing about.

Yes, indeed, I am talking about the kitchen.

Watch a guy throw down a sticky bechamel sauce, lick that white and creamy off the spoon to taste, and tell me you can’t imagine him throwing down with Bobby Flay… so to speak.

Cooking, like #wearing scarves, is an art that our Euro-bros taught us, and gay men have clung to. Give us a box of ingredients, a stove, and a sauce pan, call me Paula Dean, and call it a day. I’m baking scones, bitches!

One must not confuse grilling with cooking. Grilling is #totes an acceptable activity for truly straight bros, even while their str8 counterparts are inside fixing a complimentary salad. It’s just the way it is. Why? Cave men grilled. Cave men weren’t gay… at first. They became gay when one of them found a bundt pan and decided to make a pound cake.

Excuse our excessive use of euphemism. Sorry we’re totes not sorry.

We are well aware that the majority of chefs in America are male, and that of that majority, the majority is straight. We get it, Ted Allen. You can go back to hanging out with #Ryan Seacrest now.

But remember what we said about #sunglasses? If you’re doing it for money, it’s not quite as gay as when you’re doing it for leisure. We’re not saying go hit on every sous chef this side of the Macaroni Grill. But if a guy offers to cook dinner for you in his free time, chances are he’s so not straight.

We’re also willing to make a caveat for guys who don’t cook well. These guys aren’t necessarily gay… they’re probably just hungry.

I made Ramen a la Eggs and Salsa. Want to come over?

There is a point, however, where his cooking for you isn’t simply entertaining in that “oh he tried” kind of way. It crosses over into the “oh, he wants Guy Fieri to #kiss the tip” kind of way.

No he’s not watching food network to see Giada at home… trust me!

So guys, the next time one of your bros invites you over to taste his Coq au Vin, make sure you bring a Coq au Condom, ’cause chances are things are about to get messy in the kitchen.

…Wear Scarves

10 Dec

I look so masculine... from the neck up.

As this winter rages on, with snow in December threatening to fade our fall #tans before the new year even hits, men of all shapes and sizes are taking drastic measures to stay warm. Why, just the other day, I counted sixteen wrapped scarves on the necks of men who, all things considered, I would have pegged for straight.

Not anymore.

We here at SMD don’t give a shit how cold it is outside. Wearing scarves has always been a ‘mo-ish thing, since the first gay caveman killed his very first kashmir goat in the heights of the Himalayas and wrapped that bitch’s pelt around his neck. Don’t believe us? Research that shit.

The scarf is right up there with the #sunglass as a totally two-sided accessory. Sure it has it’s uses. Sure it wards off your chances of pnuemonia or the flu or some such disgusting illness. Sure it keeps your body temp regulated while the weather outside is frightful.

Oh, doll, your pashmina is so delightful!

But at the very end of the day, wrapping that scarf into a classic Four-in-Hand is something only str8 bros would be caught doing. True straight men would rather freeze to death. Trust us, we’ve seen it.

Why is the scarf such a fruity pebble?

Despite what the Gap tells metro guys (or PC for Gay In Five Years, but more on that later), there is no masculine way to wear a scarf. It’s like slipping a broach onto your suit lapel. What the fuck are you doing?

Scarves dangle in a way that is decidedly feminine, no matter how low brow the color or unassuming the design. Even a simple black knit scarf carries with it an air of homosexuality. There’s really nothing you can do about it.

Think about the kind of guys that wear neck pieces with reckless abandon. Euro-fucking-peans. We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times. Don’t make us bust out the jingle…

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

The French started this thing, and gays the world over bought into it. Is it our fault? No… blame it on our Francophilia. Since then, men in England, Germany, Italy, and Brazil have made it a mainstay in fashion, where it belongs.

Not around the necks of bros trying to pass themselves off as straight. But because the scarf is making its way into society, it’s the easiest way to come out to other str8 bros without coming out to your truly straight friends. Sure they’ll ask why the fuck you’re tying your grandma’s doily around your neck. You’ll respond with something quippy like how warm it keeps you. When you finally make it to the bar, you’ll spot the other lone gay in the next group and you two will hit it off.

You: Where’d you get your scarf from?

Him: J. Crew. Want to feel.

You: Sure… in the bathroom. Don’t tell my bros, but I’m totally #DTB.

And that’s how it happens.

Is anyone surprised to see Hollywood's most powerful str8 boi sporting the latest craze in fashion? Hellz no.

Fellows, on your quest to find a straight bro and bag him quickly, look for the subtle clues. Straight men don’t wear scarves, at least not in public. So if you spot a hottie sporting a half-bow, hop on that shit as quickly as possible. A scarf this season means he’s probably coming out soon. And you know what that means…

Come summer, he’ll be slipping into a brand new pair of grade-A #man capris.

**Warning: We know we have a lot of female readers (and by a lot, we mean half a dozen). Ladies, do not buy your man a scarf for #Christmas. It’s almost like you’re begging for him to get harassed by your GBFF, Tony. And if we know straight bros, we know that he can only say “Dude, I’m not gay” so many times before he asks himself what the big deal is…

…Give Good Gifts

9 Dec

We all know the gays aren’t the fastest readers, but come the fuck on guys. If you started reading this title and thought Straight Men Don’t Give Good… something else, you’re as perverted as that glory hole you went to on your lunch break yesterday (Bonus points of perversion if you were fifteen minutes late to clock back in and you told your boss your oil change ran over time).

But no, we’re not talking about the gagless gift that will inevitably bring all the boys to the yard. As Christmas approaches, we couldn’t help but wonder what separates straight bros from their str8 boi counterparts during these festiv times.

History has shown us time and time again that straight men are incapable of being thoughtful (… and by history, we mean TGIF sitcoms from the nineties. Thanks Tim the Tool Man Taylor!). Having the ability to give a well thought out, meaningful, personal, and yet still semi-practical gift is beyond their molecular code. It just isn’t in their DNA.

Str8 bros, on the other hand, make the kind of boyfriends you hear about giving the worlds greatest gifts. Why? Because God blessed us with the ability to understand women and ignore that portion of our brains that make us think like a man.

Yes, I said God… get thee over it.

We’re not saying that straight bros are stupid. In fact, they’re pretty smart. Too smart, sometimes. To them, a practical gift like NFL Sunday Ticket for six free months is the best gift. It gives us something we can do together, honey.

Not quite, sweetie!

Even the ones that aren’t that dense still think a box of Anaise Anaise perfume with a cute Macy’s bow around it is sufficient.

Isn’t that what #Tom Cruise gave that giant Australian wax statue for their anniversary?

Sometimes saying "Here's your favorite show, honey!" sounds more like "I'm a fucking fairy!"

Try again.

Only a GBFF will know that what she really wants this Chanukkah season is that locket she saw once at that antique store you passed once in that city you visited once on that date you had once. So go get the fucking locket.

Gay men have the ability to go outside of themselves and think sentimentally without getting all Edward from #Twilight sappy. As brutally honest as we are on a day to day basis- no, you do not look like #Kim Kardashian in that dress- when it comes to giving gifts, we’re better at it than anyone.

“Oh honey… I love the matching #sunglasses. Yay!”

They don’t say Keep the Yuletide Gay for nothing!

So ladies, this is a message straight from me to you. If your boyfriend gives you the world’s sweetest gifts’ if said gifts are delivered with great penash and style; and if you for a second think that that gift couldn’t come from a guy as straight as your man, listen to teacher: your man isn’t straight.

It really is that fucking simple.

I know, I know, everyone wants to be the girl that tells her friends her man got her tickets to see the closing night of Wicked because he knows she loves #musicals, but come on ladies. Nothing spells #DTB during the Holidays than a big ole heap of good gift giving.

…Abbrev

29 Nov

Nothing says 'I'm Secretly Gay' quite like an avid texter on a pink phone.

This one here is a tricky one. Most straight men will see this post title and think to themselves, “What the hell is abbrev? Is that a place in the Middle East?”

But there is one in ten amongst you who will look at that and go, “Obvi… abbrev. Duhzies.”

If you are the latter, you are so not straight.

Abbreviating one’s words became popular with the plastic crowds around the time we got our first pink Razr phone back in the sixth grade. See, in those days before full keyboard enabled texting, sending messages was a bit of a bitch. So we created abbrevs.

BRB. TTYL. LYLAS (Or love you like a bro and sis… obvi). Those were only the beginning.

Before long, and regardless of the fact that abbrevs often take up more time to spell than the actual word or phrase, gays and girls started abbreviating everything. We’re talking everything.

OMG, it’s just my BFF Jill.

You see, abbreviating is a fundamental part of the dialect known as Fag. You English speakers have Nouns and Verbs… we have Abbrevs and words that end in zies

Straight bros, however, find this practice nonsensical. Just like a straight bro wouldn’t be caught dead sporting this season’s most fetching #man capris, he wouldn’t be caught dead texting in abbreviations if his life depended on it.

And don’t get us started on emoticons.

It’s almost a no-brainer. Clearly abbreviating is reserved for fruitcakes and the fruit flies who circle them.

You would think, wouldn’t you? But it was when I received text after text from “straight” bros who still claim to order off the fish menu that I had to take pause.

Why are straight men texting in shorthand? Because they’re so not straight, that’s why. Abbreviating is the new official language of #Flipville, fellas. So if you don’t want your gay card counted in the census, you’d better learn how to spell obviously correctly.

Abbreving isn’t just a language for the str8 bros amongst us. It’s part of a bigger and badder lifestyle. It’s the first thing a baby-gay learns to do when he’s spreading his wings and getting ready to put #Grey’s Anatomy on his DVR season pass. It’s the lemon drop shot before the #Cosmo. It’s the icing before the fucking cake.

You wouldn’t go to Spain without learning to speak a little bit of Spanglesh, would you?

It’s for this very reason that str8 bois don’t #KTT without knowing what #DTB stands for. If he speaks in abbrevs, you can get him to his knees… it rhymes, so it must be true.

So what do you when a str8 boi you’re crushing on totes abbrevs in his next text to you? Call him out faster than you’d call out a whore at Sunday mass. Invite him over. Make him choose from your lube buffet and plow on. It really is that simple. If he’s BRB, then he’s most likely DTF… and that’s an abbreviation we can get behind.

…Have Small Dogs

24 Nov

Let’s face it. The longer we keep this list going, the less and less straight men are going to feel safe doing in broad day light. Do we give a rat’s feathered behind?  Hell no. You know why not? Because it’s time for straight bros to take back the night. That’s right, fellows. Declare your masculinity. In this ever metro-fying world, it’s all you have left.

But I assure you with 100 percent confidence that you will not be able to reclaim your masculinity with a fucking lap dog.

It isn’t rocket science, folks. Straight bros don’t carry small dogs. It’s a matter of proportion. Smaller canines fit in smaller places… like purses. For women.

At first, I didn’t think that straight men even had small dogs. I thought there was a special class in school that pulled the straight guys aside and issued them each a golden retriever and an unused Playboy magazine. I spent much of my adult life convinced I was absent on this day of class.

Does this tiny shirt make me look gay? No, but that tiny ass dog sure does the trick...

But alas, after learning that the dog park is where many a str8 bro go to fraternize, I realized I was wrong. Guys the world over are running around with tiny ass chihuahas and still claiming they prefer fish tacos over tube steak.

Yeah fucking right!

The only reason a guy would get a weiner is because he wants weiner.

On the other hand, str8 bois love little tiny dogs. Forget that they’re trendy as shit. Mini dogs are like the gays of the canine world. They are undoubtedly bitchy, full of energy, hilarious, and easy to love. Try saying that about a German Shephard.

The reasons a straight bro would steer clear of a little yapping dog, however, are endless. Besides the fact that they make one appear gay at first glance, little teacup animals are meant to be pampered. Straight bros don’t have time for that shit. They take Air Bud to the dog park to pick up chicks while maybe getting a by-proxy #tan. It isn’t because Princess requires one to two hours of laying out per day.

Add in the cost of maintance and you’ve already maxed out the average straight man’s Give-A-Damn.

So sweetie, we’re not saying that your boyfriend and his miniature poodle are definitely watching #The A-Team with one hand under the pillow any time B. Cooper is on screen… but we are saying he’s definitely #DTB.

Incidentally, bois, because the dog park is still considered hetero central, going there and scoping out a #flippable dog owner is like fishing with a wide open net. We don’t know much about the art of fishing, but we’re assuming that the wider the net, the easier the catch. So go, grab some sunscreen and the brand new #Us Weekly and go fish… the str8 bros bite nice.

…Garden

14 Nov

Hey there folks. We’re back from hiatus, and like internet-less phoenixes, we are rising from the ashes and once again borrowing free signal from our neighbors. Whoever said the gays aren’t crafty as shit?

Speaking of which, str8 bros love to craft. Whether it be knitting for our older str8 bros or painting watercolor paintings for our high str8 bros, there is something about making art with our hands that makes not-so-straight men giddy with glee.

And the number one craft project of all? Gardening.

Besides old single ladies and hipsters who wish they lived in Manhattan live in Brooklyn, the only demographic of people you’ll find gardening are #DTB in one way or another. Why, just the other weekend, we heard tell from a friend of mine whose friend of his just came out. The newly out baby-gay proceeded to make Rosemary Chicken and a spinach salad using fresh ingredients… from his garden.

Why is gardening such a gay task? Why, it involves spending hours in a full on squat position. We all know why you’re trying to work out those quads, and it isn’t because you’re going out for the #wrestling team.

You're never too old to come out. See this dinosaur finally giving in to his life's passion...

Yes, gardening is relaxing. It gives people with stressful lives something to do that they can control. But let’s be real. Knowledge of flowers is gay as shit. The only thing straight men know about flowers is when to call 1-800-Florist because they’ve fucked up.

Ladies, if he knows what a fresia looks like, he’s probably fucking Frank the Florist… puts a whole knew spin on those popped cherry blossoms he got you for forgetting Valentine’s day, huh?

Caveat: One must not confuse farming with gardening. With that said, one must not hit on a farmer anyway, so that confusion is moot at best.

Caveat redux: If he’s a Mexican (trust us, you’ll be able to tell), we would gather a few more clues before we automatically assume he’s DTB if we were you. Just saying.

So what do you do when you venture over to your local gardening annex and see a grown man bending over to get the good earth stuck between his finger nails? First, you ask yourself if this kind of person is worth it. Trust us. The closeted gardner has a lot of feelings and by god if he’s not willing to share them. He’ll think you’re best friends right off the bat because, SURPRISE, he’s probably never had a best friend. If you’re okay treading these introverted waters, then by all means. Proceed to step two.

This kind of guy is easily #flipped by something classy. Invite him to a wine and cheese night, and by the time he’s done telling you about his petunias, he’ll realize he’s the only other guest. You’ll have him flipped faster than he can prune a fucking rose.

…Join Boy Bands

11 Oct
Nsync is gay

Open wide Justin. Singing a high tenor solo or practicing to kiss the tip in the tour bus later?

So we’re just going to say it. One in five men in a boy band is a blatant homosexual. The other four are closet homosexuals.

Most people think that boy bands started in the late 90’s. Those people are fucking retarded. Boy bands have been around since at least the 60’s. And for our salt, we’re willing to bet that Shakespeare was running around singing jingles with four other closeted guys in tights. We’re just saying.

So what makes the practice of boy banding such a gay thing? It’s simple. One, we all know that straight men don’t do musicals, and being in a boy band is like being in a musical 24 fucking 7. I mean come on, Jesse McCartney was in a boy band, and we all know he’s like a poor man’s #Zac Efron.

Besides having to sing and dance to seriously gay tunes, something a bro that wasn’t #DTB wouldn’t be caught dead doing, the life of a boy bander is filled with drama and #tabloid gossip. Str8 bros eat that shit up. Straight men… not so much.

Which leads us to why exactly gay men go gaga over boy bands. Here’s a hint… it’s not the same reason we’re so into #Ke$ha. For starters, every boy band has at least two members we would definitely turn it over for. We’re talking to you Ringo and Paul!

Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet. Oh but they’re so spaced out! B-b-b-b-Benny and the Jets!

Walk into any gay bar and you will find at least two bitch fights going on about whether or not N’sync or Backstreet Boys were better… and about which members were sleeping with each other. Spoiler alert: ALL of them!

No one has that many gay fans without, at some point, either becoming gay or having a gay child. Right Cher? Exactly.

Now, we’re not saying every single boy in every single group is gay. Trying telling that to Steven Tyler and his massively massive tongue that we’re sure could work wonders in the boudoir. But we are saying that the majority are at least #flippable, and that most of those bros have been in the center of a #circle jerk or two.

What do you do when you’re on a bus for twelve hours and you really want a BJ? Why, you ask Lance Bass to the #kiss the fucking tip.

We know we’re verging on wishful thinking here… I mean, God, wouldn’t it be great if Justin Timberlake were a ‘mo. Well, we’re hear to say the jury is still fucking out. Until we hear otherwise, we’re ready to file Jessica Biel behind #Katie Holmes and call it a day.

You may as well just go ahead and call them the Backdoor Boys for all we care. Yes, Howie. I want it that way.

Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about… what’s the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out.

We’re willing to confess that we seduced several guys in the couple of boy bands we were in during the course of high school and college. I mean, have you ever been to an acapella group festival? It’s like a fucking str8 bros dream, second only to Bryant Park during #fashion week as the gayest event in the all.

So if you can’t join a boy band, we’d say spend a summer stalking one. Some call it being a groupie. We call it back packing through Europe with a purpose. We’re more than confident that you’ll get your fair share of boy band juice by the time your road trip is over. Bet on it, bet on it, you can bet on that!

…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

…Wrestle

5 Oct

Okay. We know we’re narrowing the sports field down with some of these posts. But like we’ve always said, caveats exist in the world of Straight Men Don’t, so if you’re a wrestler, go rub some anti-herpes simplex two medication on your chest, and stop getting your uni in a pinch.

Some people call this practice. We call it fucking foreplay.

There are a million reasons why wrestling tops our list of sports that straight men don’t do. First and foremost, anyone who’s seen a wrestling match knows that the technique employed to bring your partner down is the same technique I employ when I want to make my partner come.

I’m not trying to be vulgar. I’m simply trying to be real.

Simulating gay sex is something the ancient Greeks loved to do. It allowed them to have gay sex without necessarily getting stoned by the magistrate. All in the name of sport. Win, fucking win.

It’s not gay! It’s just horseplay!

How this practice survived to the current century (we can never remember which one it is, to be honest), we have no clue. But it’s here, they’re queer, and we like it.

Aside from the fact that wrestling is pretty much gay sex with lycra on, there’s the small thing called the wrestler’s bone. We’ve all seen it. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine sent me a few NSFW .gifs with several wrestler’s bones dangling about. Needless to say, I hurriedly took my fifteen minute break in the stock room.

It’s inevitable. Every wrestler will tell you that it’s natural to pop a boner when someone is rubbing up against you so aggressively. It’s human nature.

WRONG.

It’s gay nature. It’s bad enough you put yourself in a situation where you had to be groped and prodded by men, but then your basic biology betrayed you as well. Straight men don’t let their biology betray them. Ever.

Pinned ya! Pinned ya again!

The only thing a straight bro wants to wrestle is a girl’s bra strap. Fact.

But much like several other things on this list, wrestling provides with a little bit of an enigma. You see, the sport itself, although layered in gay symbolism, is very very masculine. Which is why wrestlers are the trifecta for boys trying to get a #flippable notch on their belt.

You’d never know a wrestler was gay just by looking at him. It’s only when he’s pinned to the ground for six seconds with a hard on peeking out of his unitard that you say to yourself… hmm… I wonder if he’s #DTB.

Our advice? Stalk your local school’s wrestling team and suss out the one that A. Doesn’t have wrestler’s herpes, and B. Has #Ke$ha on his warm up tape. Invite him over one night, serve him a couple of #cocktails, and then ask him to show you some of his moves. You’ll have pinned to the bed in one, two, three!