…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

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…Wrestle

5 Oct

Okay. We know we’re narrowing the sports field down with some of these posts. But like we’ve always said, caveats exist in the world of Straight Men Don’t, so if you’re a wrestler, go rub some anti-herpes simplex two medication on your chest, and stop getting your uni in a pinch.

Some people call this practice. We call it fucking foreplay.

There are a million reasons why wrestling tops our list of sports that straight men don’t do. First and foremost, anyone who’s seen a wrestling match knows that the technique employed to bring your partner down is the same technique I employ when I want to make my partner come.

I’m not trying to be vulgar. I’m simply trying to be real.

Simulating gay sex is something the ancient Greeks loved to do. It allowed them to have gay sex without necessarily getting stoned by the magistrate. All in the name of sport. Win, fucking win.

It’s not gay! It’s just horseplay!

How this practice survived to the current century (we can never remember which one it is, to be honest), we have no clue. But it’s here, they’re queer, and we like it.

Aside from the fact that wrestling is pretty much gay sex with lycra on, there’s the small thing called the wrestler’s bone. We’ve all seen it. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine sent me a few NSFW .gifs with several wrestler’s bones dangling about. Needless to say, I hurriedly took my fifteen minute break in the stock room.

It’s inevitable. Every wrestler will tell you that it’s natural to pop a boner when someone is rubbing up against you so aggressively. It’s human nature.

WRONG.

It’s gay nature. It’s bad enough you put yourself in a situation where you had to be groped and prodded by men, but then your basic biology betrayed you as well. Straight men don’t let their biology betray them. Ever.

Pinned ya! Pinned ya again!

The only thing a straight bro wants to wrestle is a girl’s bra strap. Fact.

But much like several other things on this list, wrestling provides with a little bit of an enigma. You see, the sport itself, although layered in gay symbolism, is very very masculine. Which is why wrestlers are the trifecta for boys trying to get a #flippable notch on their belt.

You’d never know a wrestler was gay just by looking at him. It’s only when he’s pinned to the ground for six seconds with a hard on peeking out of his unitard that you say to yourself… hmm… I wonder if he’s #DTB.

Our advice? Stalk your local school’s wrestling team and suss out the one that A. Doesn’t have wrestler’s herpes, and B. Has #Ke$ha on his warm up tape. Invite him over one night, serve him a couple of #cocktails, and then ask him to show you some of his moves. You’ll have pinned to the bed in one, two, three!

Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

Straight Men Don’t Lingo #4

3 Oct

The more we write, the more people wonder what the hell we’re writing about. We know, sometimes we use a secret language. It’s called fag. If you speak it fluently, chances are you’re #so not straight.

So now that you know what #DTB and #Flippable mean, it’s time to explain our favorite phrase (and one of our favorite activities, to be honest).

Kiss the tip.

What does it mean? It’s not a full on BJ, if that’s where your mind went. While it encompasses the same elements of your classic nod, there is one key difference.

A guy who let’s you kiss the tip isn’t necessarily letting YOU kiss the tip. On most occasions, he simply wants his tip kissed. End of story.

But it is a direct indication of his flippability. Straight men don’t just let another guy kiss the tip unless they’ve thought about a guy in that way. And what does thinking about a guy in that way mean? Exactly. Now we’ve come full circle.

Pun intended.

Some str8 bois will tell you they’re really horny and actually imagining a girl kissing the tip. We wonder how many times #Nicole Kidman had to hear that one before she realized it was a crock of shit.

Kissing the tip is the gateway drug to full on DTB. Some guys stall out after a few male-on-male tip sessions. Some guys will offer to return the favor. But only a true and classic flipper can turn a simple KTT into a full on sex session. Bonus points if he kisses you after you kiss the tip. It’s then that you’ve found the holy fucking grail.

 

…Sleepover

3 Oct

There’s really only one way to slice this puppy. Straight men don’t ‘sleepover’. Some might call it slumber party, while others may call it spending the night. Whatever your local colloquialism is, it’s the same cookie served the same way.

A sleepover is defined simply. An event in which one is invited to stay overnight while participating in planned events. Needless to say, accidentally partying too hard at your friend’s house and passing out on the bathroom floor does not a sleepover make. Prior knowledge is the distinction.

Did you pack your jammies and an extra pillow?

I know what you’re thinking. Grown ups don’t have sleepovers. We left that behind like denim jumpers in the seventh grade.

WRONG!

Why, just the other day, I was invited to a slumber party. Of course instead of playing POGS and drinking grape soda, we watched #Grey’s Anatomy and drank red wine (umm, we’re classy gals. We don’t drink #cocktails on school nights).

This sort of event is the adult equivalent of that adolescent favorite. And we’re appalled to learn that there are straight men out there who think it’s perfectly okay for them to participate. You know who else had sleepovers? Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin. HELLO!

Let’s break this down for you.

What goes on at your traditional slumber party? Oodles and oodles of gossip, that’s for damn sure. Maybe a mani-pedi treatment layered in there. #Cosmos, naturally, or other such fruity cocktails. A romantic comedy is usually on the agenda as well. And straight men don’t watch romantic comedies.

Slumber party

Cute when you're 8. Not cute when you're 28.

But the biggest reason we can’t condone straight bros going over to a friend’s house with a toothbrush and pajama bottoms in tow is because we all know what happens around 3 a.m. when we’re overserved but too antsy to go to bed.

Sex talk.

Yes, folks. We can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. And any bro who puts himself in that kind of murky situation was clearly looking to be thrown into that situation to begin with. Nothing spells #DTB quite like a guy who wants to stay up all night with you ‘just for fun’.

Would you go to a waterpark and not want to get wet? E-fucking-xactly. It’s a str8 boi’s dream to get invited to a slumber party by some other str8 bois. It’s where the #circle jerk was first invented, we’re pretty sure. Being up late and delirious is the perfect excuse to say something that will lead to something… and trust us, if we had a dollar for every time a sleep over turned into a not-so-sleep-over, we’d be filing a special 1080 come April 15th.

The rules are simple. Accidentally spending the night is A-okay. Premeditated slumber partying is a gay offense in the first degree.

So what do you do when a ‘straight’ bro invites you over to spend the night? Our advice is to manscape, moisturize, and chug a Red Bull every two hours. The worst thing is getting the opening and then blowing it by falling asleep before you get to blow it.

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

…Watch Twilight

28 Sep

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

Twilight is Pretty Gay

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Twilight Brokeback Mountain

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.

…Wear Sunglasses

28 Sep

Okay, before you throw rotten tomatoes our way, hear us the fuck out. Straight men CAN wear sunglasses, if they want people to think they aren’t straight.

Tom Cruise Gay

The only thing straight about this look is Tom Cruise's straight set of pearly whites.

There are a couple of caveats to this rule, and we’ll get to those soon enough. For now, let’s discuss the reasons why sunglasses are strictly for our #DTB brethern.

First of all, they’re an accessory. We all know that accessories belong in the closets of two kinds of people that aren’t themselves in the closet: gays and girls. It’s a fact of #fashion. We didn’t make the rules, but we certainly live by them.

If you insist on wearing those sweats today, you can’t sit with us!

For some, sunglasses have a practical purpose. Sure they keep your eyes protected from that bright yellow thing that’s determined to make your hangover worse as you waltz down to Starbucks for a morning after Cup-o-Joe, but anyone who’s anyone (read: #flippable) knows that glasses are more fashion than function.

And therein lies the problem for the straight guy among us. Although a straight bro could get away with wearing shades in a way he can’t get away with wearing #man capris– function, remember?- the fact of the matter is if I see you wearing them, you’re towing the line between metro and full on homo, and we always like line-towers.

Don’t get me started on guys who perch their glasses on their heads.

Let’s talk about the celebrities that are often seen wearing sunglasses. Oh, you guessed it. #Tom Fucking Cruise isn’t snapped without a pair of Oakley’s to shade those shady blues. Still not convinced? #Zac Efron anyone?

I told you there were exceptions, right? Well we here at SMD are men of our words. Wearing shades doesn’t necessarily make a man a ‘mo if he indeed calls them shades. Who else would call them shades?

If your glasses can be described as oversized in any way shape or form, however, chances are there’s a dick in your mouth as you read this.

Zac Efron Gay

Zac Efron has perfected the "I'm going to the bathhouse look". The only thing that could make this look worse is a pink boa and sling back pumps.

If he has a job that keeps him outside for several hours during the day, he may be looking for more of that function and less of that fashion (unless of course, the glasses are designer, in which case, he’s as gay as a jaybird). Think construction workers (gross), coaches (yum), boaters (could go either way). Other guys who get a free pass are southern fraternity bros, although they’re gay for completely different reasons, but we won’t get into that.

Since the sunglass became a modern display of individuality, they have served as the crowning piece to a str8 boi’s wardrobe. So what do you do if you see someone wearing a pair of shades and he isn’t directing traffic?

This could be tricky. Glasses are worn during the day, which means you can’t tip the scale your way with a #cocktail or two. You’ll have to approach very carefully, nonthreateningly, and ride it out until the time is right. Instead of going for a classic hit-on, try to a arrange a bro-date for the evening time, when you can slip in a little liquid lubricant.

We all know you don’t want to get too far without some form of lubricant, right?

 

Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

22 Sep

In the past, we’ve been accused of ‘fairy fantastical’ speculation regarding some of the guys we feel are so not straight. Guess the fuck what? We don’t give a rat’s smoking behind.

But we will dial it down this time and attempt to out someone who’s two shakes away from being outed anyway.

Andy Cooper, we’re talking to you, stud. 

Anderson Cooper

Yeah, we'd hit that.

Why this silver fox hasn’t come out of the closet is beyond us. He more than has job security with Anderson Cooper 360. Who else is going to anchor a show titled ANDERSON COOPER 360? And even with that bomb of a daytime talk show, CNN would be be crazy to fire him for coming out. They’d lose ever single gay who cares about the news. That’s like seven or eight viewers right there.

Not only are we 99.9 percent sure that Anderson swings #Tim Gunn’s way, we’re prepared to skip #flippable and go ahead and declare AC360 full on #DTB. Bold move, you say? We’ve done it before. And before. And before that too. Come to think of it, we’re on a roll.

We knew Ricky Martin was gay before Ricky Martin knew that Ricky Martin was gay.

What makes us so sure? Besides the fact that Anderson tips the scale so far passed metro with his perfectly coiffed hair and smooth as alabaster skin, that has never seen a #tanning bed, mind you, the facts speak for themselves.

He’s old and unwed. He puts a new meaning to the single uncle postulate, and you know what? We like it. I bet you anything he’s having lunch at the Ivy as we speak with Stanley Tucci and at least two of the four hands at that table are under the white tablecloth. Just saying.

But mommy, why isn’t Uncle Anderson married? And why does he always come over with Uncle Stanley? And why do they use the bathroom at the same time?

Need further proof? Cue his fruit bat, Kathy Fucking Griffin. Is there a better partner in homosexual crime than THE Kathy Griffin? We think not. First of all, we’re ready to declare that straight men don’t go to Kathy shows, let alone HOST shows with her. The way she makes him blush every New Year’s makes us blush for him.

Anderson Cooper Gay Boyfriend

Biking Buddies or Butt Buddies? You be the judge.

Just for good measure, let me remind you that he’s an outspoken fan of The Real Housewives franchise (specifically BH and Atlanta). Umm… hello. It doesn’t take a genius to know that straight men are careful what they #watch, and that Bravo is not part of their DVR schedule. Just saying.

Still not convinced he’s a total mo? Check out the video of him giggling like a school child. Now we would never go on record saying that gay men are more giggly than straight men, but come on. Don’t be ridiculist. It’s almost scientifically proven that gay men are indeed more giggly than straight men.

Look, folks. We’ve called out several famous men on this blog, including #royalty. But we’ve never called out a fucking Vanderbilt. But are we worried that he comes from the third most powerful American Dynasty after the Kennedy’s and the Smiths of Willow and Jaden Smith?

Fuck no!

Because the truth is the ultimate defense against libel. And we’re pretty solidly sure that Anderson Cooper being a raging ‘mo is the God’s honest truth.

 

…Vomit

22 Sep

Vom? You’re asking. Everyone vomits. It’s a human nature thing to do. Everyone has that drunken night on Spring Break where they’ve been overserved and wind up passing out on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet. Right?

WRONG.

Yes, yes, everyone vomits. It’s a medical fact. Ever have the stomach flu much? But it is a societal fact that losing your lunch (or lack thereof) due to alcohol poisoning is a sorority girl’s prerogative that your average straight man doesn’t get much leeway for.

We said much leeway, so calm the fuck down. Because we can’t discount the fact that everyone has that bad night or two freshman year, or during initiation, or in Myrtle Beach, or what have you, we’re implementing the three strikes and you’re out of the closet policy.

This is a big step for us. We’re used to speaking in absolutes.

So what does it say about a guy that is a habitual Friday night thrower upper? Well, it doesn’t say his sushi was fucking bad for the fourth weekend in a row.

The fundamental reason why people throw up is because they take too many drinks in a short amount of time. For a girl, accomplishing this is rather easy. Be hot. For str8 bois, the situation is almost the same. Be hot and in your underwear. Straight bros, not so much.

No one is buying a straight bro a drink unless his girlfriend just got pregnant or it’s his mother fucking birthday. Bachelor parties are a free pass, as well they should be on pretty much any rule. (If he doesn’t let you kiss the tip the night before he gets married, chances are you won’t get to kiss it ever). Everyone is a little gay without necessarily being gay at their bachelor party.

It’s also pretty hard to throw up on beer unless you’re taking straight pulls from the pitcher by yourself with no one around. It’s easier to lose track of your buzz on liquors, which is why #cosmo slinging gays and girls are given the a-okay to vomit away. But we all know that straight bros don’t drink cocktails, right….?

Is it a double standard? Yes.

Do we give a shit? Um… fuck no.

Drunk Man Throwing Up

This guy clearly needs a friend. Just pretend he isn't wearing a corduroy blazer...

So what do you do if you see a guy vomiting in the bathroom while you’re trying to take a leak? First, go leak outside. You’re still a man. You’ve earned this right. If it’s his first offense, get the guy some water and call it a night.

If, however, he’s known to be the chronic vomitter, stay up with him, hold his hair, and when he’s all done, nurse him to health with a little TLC. We say turn it to some late night Showtime, or better yet, pop #Risky Business into the DVD player and watch him squirm. If you can’t #flip him now, you don’t deserve to hold a spatula.

The big key here is to be there for him. Ask him why he always feels the need to drink to the point of oblivion. Are you hiding something from your bros? You can tell me… I won’t say anything… wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Spit or swallow? Before you know it, you’ll be wiping the upchuck off his chin and going in for the handy J with a side of last-meal.

Good fucking luck.