Tag Archives: boy bands

…Join Boy Bands

11 Oct
Nsync is gay

Open wide Justin. Singing a high tenor solo or practicing to kiss the tip in the tour bus later?

So we’re just going to say it. One in five men in a boy band is a blatant homosexual. The other four are closet homosexuals.

Most people think that boy bands started in the late 90’s. Those people are fucking retarded. Boy bands have been around since at least the 60’s. And for our salt, we’re willing to bet that Shakespeare was running around singing jingles with four other closeted guys in tights. We’re just saying.

So what makes the practice of boy banding such a gay thing? It’s simple. One, we all know that straight men don’t do musicals, and being in a boy band is like being in a musical 24 fucking 7. I mean come on, Jesse McCartney was in a boy band, and we all know he’s like a poor man’s #Zac Efron.

Besides having to sing and dance to seriously gay tunes, something a bro that wasn’t #DTB wouldn’t be caught dead doing, the life of a boy bander is filled with drama and #tabloid gossip. Str8 bros eat that shit up. Straight men… not so much.

Which leads us to why exactly gay men go gaga over boy bands. Here’s a hint… it’s not the same reason we’re so into #Ke$ha. For starters, every boy band has at least two members we would definitely turn it over for. We’re talking to you Ringo and Paul!

Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet. Oh but they’re so spaced out! B-b-b-b-Benny and the Jets!

Walk into any gay bar and you will find at least two bitch fights going on about whether or not N’sync or Backstreet Boys were better… and about which members were sleeping with each other. Spoiler alert: ALL of them!

No one has that many gay fans without, at some point, either becoming gay or having a gay child. Right Cher? Exactly.

Now, we’re not saying every single boy in every single group is gay. Trying telling that to Steven Tyler and his massively massive tongue that we’re sure could work wonders in the boudoir. But we are saying that the majority are at least #flippable, and that most of those bros have been in the center of a #circle jerk or two.

What do you do when you’re on a bus for twelve hours and you really want a BJ? Why, you ask Lance Bass to the #kiss the fucking tip.

We know we’re verging on wishful thinking here… I mean, God, wouldn’t it be great if Justin Timberlake were a ‘mo. Well, we’re hear to say the jury is still fucking out. Until we hear otherwise, we’re ready to file Jessica Biel behind #Katie Holmes and call it a day.

You may as well just go ahead and call them the Backdoor Boys for all we care. Yes, Howie. I want it that way.

Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about… what’s the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out.

We’re willing to confess that we seduced several guys in the couple of boy bands we were in during the course of high school and college. I mean, have you ever been to an acapella group festival? It’s like a fucking str8 bros dream, second only to Bryant Park during #fashion week as the gayest event in the all.

So if you can’t join a boy band, we’d say spend a summer stalking one. Some call it being a groupie. We call it back packing through Europe with a purpose. We’re more than confident that you’ll get your fair share of boy band juice by the time your road trip is over. Bet on it, bet on it, you can bet on that!