Tag Archives: Celebrities

…Swish

3 Jan

Okay, we’re well aware that this one will require quite a detailed lead in. I suppose we could provide a picture of what swishing is, but it’s so much more fun to imagine it yourself. You’ve all seen it, so put your imagination station caps on and let’s go.

What the fuck is a swish? Quite simple, it’s a kind of walk unique and highly identifiable to gay men. I would categorize it somewhere between a saunter and a sashay.

And it’s something that straight men don’t do.

You look like you’re doing kiegles and walking at the same time!

For years, straight men have been pinched in the shoulder by their grand mothers to fix their posture. When they move down the sidewalk, they do so in a necessitous fashion. Yes, I am fully aware that I am generalizing to the upteenth degree here, but come on. It’s my blog. I’ll do what I want.

If he walks like a fruit, give the guy a fucking banana.

We’ve all seen gay men walk down the hall or the sidewalk or past us on the street, #sunglasses drawn, #scarf a blow, Starbucks straw raised and poised. If he looks like he’s walking straight towards a midafternoon #circle jerk, chances are he probably is.

It is this walk that is famous among the gays and their most famously closeted str8 counterparts. It is this walk that Tyra Banks tries to teach a gaggle of awkward girls every season cycle of America’s Next Top Institutionalized Retard.

Don’t get us started on guys who swish at the #small dog park.

When I was in college, we used to spend hours and hours sitting in the quad and watching the str8 bois emerge from their closets and strut down the sidewalk. Ask me who I thought was a GIFY before I even talked to them and I assure you I was correct 80% of the time.

You see, the swish is unmistakable. It isn’t quite as exxxagerated as the saunter that most fire hazard gay men employ, but like the runway saunter, it does focus attention to the hips.

And sweetie pie, the hips don’t lie.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, str8 bros are always trying to attract the attention of other str8 bros. So is it a surprise that they’d walk this way?

I mean, have you seen the way #Ryan Seacrest waltzes around the Kodak theater towards hunks like David Cook and Amber Adam Lambert? His gay swish is only rivaled by his #boyfriend’s Shakira inspired glide.

We won’t pretend like we place 100% outing certainty on something as trivial as a walk. Why there are some gay men out there who stalk around like bulls in China shops. And likewise, there are some truly straight bros out there who have a little wiggle in their jiggle.

I’m not gay. I just walk like Kim Kardashian at a the Pro Bowl because of my scoliosis!

It may be the easiest on the list to spot, but be warned, it is also the easiest to mistake.

 

But in conjunction with other clues, one can ascertain a true swish. And when you see one, you’ll know.

So what do you when you spot a guy strutting it down the street with just a little bit too much movement in his midsection? You stop, stare, give him the once over while gingerly licking your lips, and then watch him double back and ask for your number. He knows you noticed. You know you know you noticed. He knows you know that you know that he noticed. And so forth and so on.

And with that folks, we welcome you to the new year by advising you to walk the walk… we’ll talk the talk in a later post.

P.S. We didn’t come across this until after our post was written, so excuse the sloppy add-on but bam! It’s scien-fucking-tific that the swish exists. See for yourselves and tell us we don’t speak truth.

Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

22 Sep

In the past, we’ve been accused of ‘fairy fantastical’ speculation regarding some of the guys we feel are so not straight. Guess the fuck what? We don’t give a rat’s smoking behind.

But we will dial it down this time and attempt to out someone who’s two shakes away from being outed anyway.

Andy Cooper, we’re talking to you, stud. 

Anderson Cooper

Yeah, we'd hit that.

Why this silver fox hasn’t come out of the closet is beyond us. He more than has job security with Anderson Cooper 360. Who else is going to anchor a show titled ANDERSON COOPER 360? And even with that bomb of a daytime talk show, CNN would be be crazy to fire him for coming out. They’d lose ever single gay who cares about the news. That’s like seven or eight viewers right there.

Not only are we 99.9 percent sure that Anderson swings #Tim Gunn’s way, we’re prepared to skip #flippable and go ahead and declare AC360 full on #DTB. Bold move, you say? We’ve done it before. And before. And before that too. Come to think of it, we’re on a roll.

We knew Ricky Martin was gay before Ricky Martin knew that Ricky Martin was gay.

What makes us so sure? Besides the fact that Anderson tips the scale so far passed metro with his perfectly coiffed hair and smooth as alabaster skin, that has never seen a #tanning bed, mind you, the facts speak for themselves.

He’s old and unwed. He puts a new meaning to the single uncle postulate, and you know what? We like it. I bet you anything he’s having lunch at the Ivy as we speak with Stanley Tucci and at least two of the four hands at that table are under the white tablecloth. Just saying.

But mommy, why isn’t Uncle Anderson married? And why does he always come over with Uncle Stanley? And why do they use the bathroom at the same time?

Need further proof? Cue his fruit bat, Kathy Fucking Griffin. Is there a better partner in homosexual crime than THE Kathy Griffin? We think not. First of all, we’re ready to declare that straight men don’t go to Kathy shows, let alone HOST shows with her. The way she makes him blush every New Year’s makes us blush for him.

Anderson Cooper Gay Boyfriend

Biking Buddies or Butt Buddies? You be the judge.

Just for good measure, let me remind you that he’s an outspoken fan of The Real Housewives franchise (specifically BH and Atlanta). Umm… hello. It doesn’t take a genius to know that straight men are careful what they #watch, and that Bravo is not part of their DVR schedule. Just saying.

Still not convinced he’s a total mo? Check out the video of him giggling like a school child. Now we would never go on record saying that gay men are more giggly than straight men, but come on. Don’t be ridiculist. It’s almost scientifically proven that gay men are indeed more giggly than straight men.

Look, folks. We’ve called out several famous men on this blog, including #royalty. But we’ve never called out a fucking Vanderbilt. But are we worried that he comes from the third most powerful American Dynasty after the Kennedy’s and the Smiths of Willow and Jaden Smith?

Fuck no!

Because the truth is the ultimate defense against libel. And we’re pretty solidly sure that Anderson Cooper being a raging ‘mo is the God’s honest truth.

 

Ian Somerhalder… He’s So Not Straight

20 Sep

Okay, we’re aware that this particular call-out is probably going to get filed under Wishful Thinking. And we’re a-okay with that. Because we can’t lie, Ian Somerhalder has been a permanent fixture in our wank banks since his first on screen male kiss with the artist formerly known as Dawson Leary back in ’02.

So why are we finally ready to call Ian out on his not-so-straight ways? Well, we’ll start circa 2002.

Ian Somerhalder and James Van Der Beek being Hot and Gay

Jamie, boo, I don't wait for our lives to be over... Let me just kiss the tip and we'll call it a day.

Now, we’re not saying that any guy who kisses a guy on screen is an automatic ‘mo. On the contrary. Plenty of straight bros make out with other dudes for the sake of the arts. Just ask Sean Penn. He won an entire Oscar for making out with str8 boi… yeah, we’re looking at you James Franco.

But anyone who’s seen Rules of Attraction knows that kiss was much more than a kiss. I mean, is there a wonder Dawson left the Creek shortly after that shit was filmed? Hello… he was heading to Fort Lauderdale, ready to turn his #man capris up and build sand castles on the fucking sand.

Then there’s the matter of his face. We’re not ready to admit there is a single straight man out there with skin that perfectly #tan and that wonderfully smooth. I mean, his complexion is flawless.

Is he borrowing skin care products from #Zac Efron? That’s for him to know and for us to wet dream about.

Yes, yes, there are a ton of guys out there that give us a similar #DTB vibe that turn out to be very straight in the long run. We are, however, willing to bet that even the straightest of those McFairies is willing to let us kiss the tip.

Your honor, I’d like to submit this into evidence. Where the fuck is his girlfriend? Someone that genetically gifted is rarely seen unattached. Even if he’s not the ‘marrying kind’, having a pretty girl in tow to balance his flawlessness is a must for a truly straight bro. Just ask George Clooney.

But because Ian is following in the footsteps of #Tom and not George, we’re just going to go ahead and stamp a rainbow across his back and get to plowing.

But there’s no evidence he’s DTB. Ya’ll are talking out of your asses!

To that we say… so the fuck what? We have a theory that has Ian’s name written all over it. It’s called the Congressman Scandal Theory.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Ian Being Gay

The proof is the fucking pudding. Straight men don't underwear dance with other men. They just don't.

Every time a Congressman shoots from the mouth, igniting a gay media firestorm, said Congressman is usually outed a short time later. Why is this? Because homophobia is the biggest clue that someone is a homosexual. If he’s definitely a ‘phobe, he’s probably a ‘mo… take those odds to Vegas, sister.

And in 2002, Ian Somerhalder was the center of an Out Magazine shitfest, in which he said some mildly offensive things towards gay guys. And we all know that #magazines are the fucking Bible. (For the record, we thought his comments were really hot… but we’re also addicted to hitting on straight bros, so…).

Ian might not have been caught tapping away under a bathroom stall at Macy’s after that, but we’re willing to bet that wasn’t the last time he kissed a guy.

Umm… let’s not forget. The guy plays a vampire on television. I’ve never met an actor who plays a vampire who wasn’t a little bit gay… just saying.

Look, we’re not saying this seduction is going to be easy. It might take a #cocktail or two, but eventually you’ll be able to talk him into showing you just how James Van Der Beek used to do it… trust us. Go for the gusto with this guy, because he’s secretly dying to show you, probably because he’s SO not straight.

Prince Harry… He’s SO Not Straight

18 Sep

We here at Straight Men Don’t won’t hesitate to call out anyone… except members of the Royal family. And anyone with a relation to the Kennedys. But this one is such a no-brainer, that we no longer give a flying fuck. We’re braking our only rule.

We’re sorry Prince Harry, but your number is up. We’re on to you, and we finally have scientific proof that you’re so not straight.

No, we don’t think you’re gay simply because you’re the cuter Prince. Get over yourself, goodbye!

There are several reasons why Prince Harry, who just celebrated his twenty-seventh birthday last week, is on our list of celebrities who have successfully fooled the world into thinking they’re straight. Like the likes of #Zac Efron and #Tom Cruise, accusing Prince Harry of being straight will result in an uproar from naive girls.

Prince Harry Gay

Do we even need to comment? A picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

No he’s not! He’s just British. You gay guys think everyone who’s cute is gay. No fair.

And so forth and so on.

We admit, we’ve had our fair share of false alarms purely because our wank bank got too full and we were willing someone to be gay, but this is a totally different case.

First, there IS the fact that he’s European. Um. Hello! Science shows us that Europeans have a much higher likelihood of being gay than Americans. It’s just the way it. Possibly because of the lack of fluoride in the water or some such chemical shit. Either way, they didn’t write an entire musical number about it in Legally Blonde the Musical because it WASN’T a valid theory. Thank you.

Then there’s the boy’s nature. He’s always been slightly limp in the wrist to us. Very giggly, even during his brother’s super serious nuptials, where he was more than likely critiquing Pippa’s dress than actually checking out his super hot sister-in-law. Is that Vera Wang or Oscar de la Renta? Either way, straight men don’t do #designers.

Sidenote… any straight bro we know would have already hit that, no questions asked. Brothers dating sisters is such a Euro-chic thing to do.

Finally, all speculation aside, there’s super serious scientific proof that the second son of Lady Di and that ugly fellow is definitely #DTB (No we don’t have pictures of him wearing #Man Capris or coming out of a #tanning booth, but how royal would that be?!?!)

Prince Harry

Check out my royal higness, Ladies... and Gentleman.

Our evidence comes from a little something called the fraternal birth order effect. Never heard of it?

Here’s the skinny: It states that the more older brothers a guy has from the same mom, the higher the chances the younger one is gay. Um… hello! Raise your have if you’re a total ‘mo with an older brother? Everyone in the room? Exactly.

We don’t usually read science or news, but we couldn’t help but take pause when we ran across this theory. It’s validated by ABC news, Time magazine, and most importantly Wikipedia. They all say the exact same thing. You’re gay because your older brother isn’t.

And Prince Harry, that’s the only proof we need. Well that and the fact that you’re as cute as a button AND fulfill our military fantasy quota as well. Don’t worry: we won’t ask, and when we’re done, we won’t tell.

So if you ever find yourself in close quarters with the Prince, first of all, count your lucky fucking stars. Shake off your nerves and throw the proposal out there. I mean, come on. He’s probably just drunk enough off #Pimm’s Cup Cosmos to take your pass seriously. Play hard to get, Kate Middleton style, and count down until you too get that royal fucking wedding… who the hell knows? Maybe Sir Elton John will sing you down the aisle… dream come fucking true!

…Read US Weekly

17 Sep

Look, we’re all about equal rights here at Straight Men Don’t. We would never suggest an activity is strictly for one gender or sexual orientation. See our caveat on #tanning.

Us Weekly Mary Kate Olsen

By far our favorite issue of The Bible. We love you MKO!

However, it is historically proven that the magazine was invented for bored socialite women who got pleasure by reading about other people’s mishaps. Hence, the magazine was born. (We’re aware that before that, scholars used to write down their super smart thoughts and send them out to their other super smart friends, tabloid style… but we’re going to file those under Almanacs. We doubt Benji Franklin told the Continental Congress to hold on while he referenced his international magazine…)

Fast forward to 2011, and bored women have included gay men in their magazine hoarding culture. There are a plethora of glossy gossip rags waiting to dish on the latest celebrity dirt. Not a fan of reading? Have no fear. E! has an entire CHANNEL devoted to magazine-ing… hosted by none other than #Ryan Fucking Seacrest.

What is it about magazines that gay men love and that a straight man wouldn’t appreciate? First of all, magazines are super shiny, and gay men love all things shiny. Secondly, gay men love talking shit about people, and that’s all a magazine is. If we had a dollar for every time US Weekly talked shit about #Tom Cruise and his addiction to Scientology, we wouldn’t be investigating Google Adsense on our other browser window.

US Weekly is like the fucking Bible to gay men. It’s glossy, gossipy, fun to read, and has pictures of celebs dressed in fugly outfits. They also make outlandish claims about celebs that can’t possibly be verified (yes, that IS #Zac Efron spotted leaving an all-male strip club… NOT!). In short, it’s amazing.

Gay men love other magazines as well. Stacked under our bed is every back issue of Vogue since we watched read The Devil Wears Prada. In case you’re slow, #straight men don’t read Vogue.

Tom Cruise Vanity Fair

We keep this one under our mattress...

What do straight men read, you ask? For our truly straight bros who can’t be bothered with opening a book, they sift through boring fair like The New Yorker, The Economist or Sports fucking Illustrated. (Side note: some deeply closeted str8 bois will stack their coffee table up with Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition just to throw people off. Don’t be fooled).

For the last time, no one READS Playboy for the articles…

The only magazine we consider to be a stumper is Vanity Fair. Many a straight bro seek it’s pages for unbridled culture. Some just like the occasionally racy covers. We call that one a toss-up.

So if you’re stalking a straight bro you swear is #flippable, just head on over to his bathroom and check out the stacks he has next to his toilet. There’s no surer sign that a dude is #DTB than a casually placed Cosmopolitan lying around next to his pooper.

The bonus of snagging a str8 bro that reads Cosmo? As of September 2010, he knows 101 ways to elongate your pleasure using only the palm of his hands and an ice cube. Jackpot!

…Sex and the City

15 Sep

I was once talking to a girlfriend of mine who swore that her boyfriend loved watching Sex and the City with her. He found the women “funny” and the way they talked about men and sex “witty” and “realistic“. And while we find the show to possess these qualities, we don’t expect a straight man to do the same.

Why? Because at it’s epicenter SATC goes against every fundamental reason why straight men watch television.

No hot women. No one beating the shit out of each other.

No hot women? What?!?! What about Charlotte?

Charlotte’s pretty, sure. But she lacks a definite ‘I want to bone you‘ quality that draws men to shows like Mad Men. Christina Hendricks? Hell yeah!

Not to mention the fact that half the dialogue is about male genitalia and/or fashion designers. Straight men don’t do designers. Ask Elle Woods… she won an entire legal case around that theory, so clearly it’s a fact.

Somewhere out there, #Ryan Seacrest is wondering if Carrie's Chanel suit will fit him. Bet on it.

Let’s also not forget that the show doesn’t paint straight bros in the best light. Basically, it says you can grow up to be rich, successful, and debonair, and you’ll still end up punching out a Russian ballerina because he stole your favorite horse and moved her to Paris. (Then there’s the string of straight dudes that get dumped… and the one who has a testicle removed). A true straight man would find the show offensive on so many levels.

If a straight bro is watching SATC with his girlfriend, he’s at least considering going #DTB; one or two #cosmos and he’s definitely flippable. If he’s watching it by himself… well, sweetheart your boyfriend is now friends with Dorothy and almost begging a str8 boi to turn him sideways.

Are men really like shoes, Carrie would ask pensively while plucking away at her Mac… maybe. But I’ve never seen a straight shoe in my life, so I’ll give her that…

Ryan Seacrest… He’s SO Not Straight

14 Sep

Look, we’re not here to out Ryan Seacrest. Not our goal. He’s been doing it for us since that first American Idol confetti shower back in 2001. Think we were watching Kelly Clarkson take the crown? On the contrary friends. We were watching Ryan grin like a #DTB go-go dancer in the middle of Pasadena’s Pride Parade.

Ryan: Honey, you know what I love most about you? Julianne: I can put my leg behind my ear? Ryan: No...You look just your brother!

Yes, folks, there are very few celebrities who have managed to pull the cashmere wool over everyone’s eyes like Ryan Seacrest, but we’re on to his little game.

But SMD, he has a girlfriend! Who dances for a living! There’s no greater jackpot for a str8 boi. Where else can he get an endless supply of glitter, tulle, and high heels to prance around in while she’s out at the spa? Have you been to a Dancing with the Stars cast party? Hello! We’re talking #cosmos and #flippable str8 bros galore. Hello Mark Ballas!

The only thing gayer than being a dancer, is bearding one.

Never mind that Ryan is one of the most powerful faces in showbiz; let’s focus on the fact that his face is as perfectly sculpted as Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Think he had that when he was slumming it with Brian Dunkleman under the American Idol bleachers? We’ve been to a talent show, Ryan. We know what goes on under there. Oh hell no. Ryan learned very quickly that if he was going to get any action in West Hollywood, he’d need to upgrade the gams, and girlfriend did so!

Still not sure? Take this on for size. Ryan Secreast makes his living running E! Entertainment. Ask any str8 boi what his dream job is, and it would include celeb gossip, copious amounts of fashion, and getting to watch dailies of Keeping Up with the Kardashians all day long. Homeboy even scored an invite to the wedding! Zing!

Straight men don’t go to Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

So, Ryan, we give you full props for flying under the radar this long. We’ll even go as far as to say congrats to Julianne Hough for landing herself a primo GBFF (Gay BFF). But we all know when he’s holding her in his arms, he’s actually thinking about the other Hough… Derek.