Tag Archives: Cocktails

…Vomit

22 Sep

Vom? You’re asking. Everyone vomits. It’s a human nature thing to do. Everyone has that drunken night on Spring Break where they’ve been overserved and wind up passing out on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet. Right?

WRONG.

Yes, yes, everyone vomits. It’s a medical fact. Ever have the stomach flu much? But it is a societal fact that losing your lunch (or lack thereof) due to alcohol poisoning is a sorority girl’s prerogative that your average straight man doesn’t get much leeway for.

We said much leeway, so calm the fuck down. Because we can’t discount the fact that everyone has that bad night or two freshman year, or during initiation, or in Myrtle Beach, or what have you, we’re implementing the three strikes and you’re out of the closet policy.

This is a big step for us. We’re used to speaking in absolutes.

So what does it say about a guy that is a habitual Friday night thrower upper? Well, it doesn’t say his sushi was fucking bad for the fourth weekend in a row.

The fundamental reason why people throw up is because they take too many drinks in a short amount of time. For a girl, accomplishing this is rather easy. Be hot. For str8 bois, the situation is almost the same. Be hot and in your underwear. Straight bros, not so much.

No one is buying a straight bro a drink unless his girlfriend just got pregnant or it’s his mother fucking birthday. Bachelor parties are a free pass, as well they should be on pretty much any rule. (If he doesn’t let you kiss the tip the night before he gets married, chances are you won’t get to kiss it ever). Everyone is a little gay without necessarily being gay at their bachelor party.

It’s also pretty hard to throw up on beer unless you’re taking straight pulls from the pitcher by yourself with no one around. It’s easier to lose track of your buzz on liquors, which is why #cosmo slinging gays and girls are given the a-okay to vomit away. But we all know that straight bros don’t drink cocktails, right….?

Is it a double standard? Yes.

Do we give a shit? Um… fuck no.

Drunk Man Throwing Up

This guy clearly needs a friend. Just pretend he isn't wearing a corduroy blazer...

So what do you do if you see a guy vomiting in the bathroom while you’re trying to take a leak? First, go leak outside. You’re still a man. You’ve earned this right. If it’s his first offense, get the guy some water and call it a night.

If, however, he’s known to be the chronic vomitter, stay up with him, hold his hair, and when he’s all done, nurse him to health with a little TLC. We say turn it to some late night Showtime, or better yet, pop #Risky Business into the DVD player and watch him squirm. If you can’t #flip him now, you don’t deserve to hold a spatula.

The big key here is to be there for him. Ask him why he always feels the need to drink to the point of oblivion. Are you hiding something from your bros? You can tell me… I won’t say anything… wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Spit or swallow? Before you know it, you’ll be wiping the upchuck off his chin and going in for the handy J with a side of last-meal.

Good fucking luck.

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Straight Men Don’t Lingo #2

17 Sep

Here at straight men don’t we’re often asked to clarify what the fuck we’re talking about. Why? Because some peeps don’t know how to speak fag fluently (if you know what movie that quote is from, you’re #so not straight).

Lesson two in SMD Lingo? Flippable. No we’re not talking about Lisa Rinna’s twin brother from Flipping Out!

What the hell does flippable mean? Simply put, it refers to a straight bro who could go either way. Maybe we’re convinced the straight bro is gay because he watches #Sex and the City, orders #Cosmos, and wears #Man capris on the weekend. We haven’t boned him yet, and he hasn’t let us kiss the tip, but until the jury comes back with a verdict, we’re filing him under flippable.

One, two, three... Flip!

Where does the phrase come from? Easy street. It comes from the act of flipping someone from straight to gay. There’s no hidden subtext or witty origin. Imagine flipping a pancake over. Now imagine flipping your straight dude over. Same exact thing!

Flippable guys are like str8 bois in training. They haven’t stepped foot out of the closet yet, but the keyword there is yet. There’s hope. Keep it alive. But like any flippable item, if you turn it too soon, you get a hot sticky mess. Wait for your flippable guy to fully maturize before you go in with your spatula. Trust us.

Also, don’t be fooled. Just because a straight dude does some of the things on the list, doesn’t necessarily make him flippable. Some guys watch #Grey’s Anatomy with their girlfriends. He might be #tan accidentally, from playing frat frisbee or changing the oil in a car.

But the more #straight men don’t violations he violates, the more flippable he becomes. It’s simple math really. 1 + 1 = Down to Bend. Get it? Got it? Good.

P.S. Don’t tell a guy OR his girlfriend you think he’s flippable. There’s no better way to set your stalking back a couple of months and send scurrying back into the deep dark closet. Seriously.

…Sex and the City

15 Sep

I was once talking to a girlfriend of mine who swore that her boyfriend loved watching Sex and the City with her. He found the women “funny” and the way they talked about men and sex “witty” and “realistic“. And while we find the show to possess these qualities, we don’t expect a straight man to do the same.

Why? Because at it’s epicenter SATC goes against every fundamental reason why straight men watch television.

No hot women. No one beating the shit out of each other.

No hot women? What?!?! What about Charlotte?

Charlotte’s pretty, sure. But she lacks a definite ‘I want to bone you‘ quality that draws men to shows like Mad Men. Christina Hendricks? Hell yeah!

Not to mention the fact that half the dialogue is about male genitalia and/or fashion designers. Straight men don’t do designers. Ask Elle Woods… she won an entire legal case around that theory, so clearly it’s a fact.

Somewhere out there, #Ryan Seacrest is wondering if Carrie's Chanel suit will fit him. Bet on it.

Let’s also not forget that the show doesn’t paint straight bros in the best light. Basically, it says you can grow up to be rich, successful, and debonair, and you’ll still end up punching out a Russian ballerina because he stole your favorite horse and moved her to Paris. (Then there’s the string of straight dudes that get dumped… and the one who has a testicle removed). A true straight man would find the show offensive on so many levels.

If a straight bro is watching SATC with his girlfriend, he’s at least considering going #DTB; one or two #cosmos and he’s definitely flippable. If he’s watching it by himself… well, sweetheart your boyfriend is now friends with Dorothy and almost begging a str8 boi to turn him sideways.

Are men really like shoes, Carrie would ask pensively while plucking away at her Mac… maybe. But I’ve never seen a straight shoe in my life, so I’ll give her that…

…Drink Cosmos

14 Sep

We know, we know. This should be a no-fucking-brainer. But folks, when it comes to straight men, there are no no-brainers. Everything should be taken straight to the scalp.

"I ordered it by mistake. You mean this isn't a Bud Light Lime?"

So why are we bringing this up? Because if we had a dollar for every time we’ve seen a straight bro drinking a cosmo-fucking-politan martini at 3 dollar You-Call-It night, we’d be drinking our cosmos out of a glass carved from Kim Kardashian’s wedding ring.

The rule is simple. Straight men drink beer and dark liquor, preferably something that’s been aged in a cask or some such shit. They stray away from vodka, and generally anything that could be described as a cocktail. Why? Because straight men don’t like anything with the name cock in it getting close to their mouths. Straight men are simple like that.

We’re here to tell you that cosmos are a str8 boi’s and a gay man’s elixir. They’re refreshing, tasty, and they make you look classy as shit. Straight men don’t strive to look classy like the rest of us. Give that man a Manhattan or a Bud ‘Bro Light and call it a fucking day.

So what do you do when you see a straight bro ordering from the martini menu at a bar? You keep a close eye on him all night. He’s probably used to getting made fun of by his bros, so he claims that drinking hard liquor fucks him up enough to hit on girls that are out of his league. But you, sir, know better than his bros. You know that he has a #Zac Efron poster in his closet (Duh, where else?) is probably Tivo-ing #Grey’s Anatomy if it’s a Thursday night.

This straight bro is not only #down to bend, but he’ll probably let you feel him up right there on the dance floor if it’s crowded enough. So don’t lose sight of him, but don’t pounce too early. If his bros are still around, you have no chance. You may as well chase him back into the closet faster than you can order a lemon drop martini. Take it slow, wait for your favorite #Ke$ha song to come on, and then follow him on to the floor. The rest is what we call a no-brainer.