Tag Archives: College

…Swish

3 Jan

Okay, we’re well aware that this one will require quite a detailed lead in. I suppose we could provide a picture of what swishing is, but it’s so much more fun to imagine it yourself. You’ve all seen it, so put your imagination station caps on and let’s go.

What the fuck is a swish? Quite simple, it’s a kind of walk unique and highly identifiable to gay men. I would categorize it somewhere between a saunter and a sashay.

And it’s something that straight men don’t do.

You look like you’re doing kiegles and walking at the same time!

For years, straight men have been pinched in the shoulder by their grand mothers to fix their posture. When they move down the sidewalk, they do so in a necessitous fashion. Yes, I am fully aware that I am generalizing to the upteenth degree here, but come on. It’s my blog. I’ll do what I want.

If he walks like a fruit, give the guy a fucking banana.

We’ve all seen gay men walk down the hall or the sidewalk or past us on the street, #sunglasses drawn, #scarf a blow, Starbucks straw raised and poised. If he looks like he’s walking straight towards a midafternoon #circle jerk, chances are he probably is.

It is this walk that is famous among the gays and their most famously closeted str8 counterparts. It is this walk that Tyra Banks tries to teach a gaggle of awkward girls every season cycle of America’s Next Top Institutionalized Retard.

Don’t get us started on guys who swish at the #small dog park.

When I was in college, we used to spend hours and hours sitting in the quad and watching the str8 bois emerge from their closets and strut down the sidewalk. Ask me who I thought was a GIFY before I even talked to them and I assure you I was correct 80% of the time.

You see, the swish is unmistakable. It isn’t quite as exxxagerated as the saunter that most fire hazard gay men employ, but like the runway saunter, it does focus attention to the hips.

And sweetie pie, the hips don’t lie.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, str8 bros are always trying to attract the attention of other str8 bros. So is it a surprise that they’d walk this way?

I mean, have you seen the way #Ryan Seacrest waltzes around the Kodak theater towards hunks like David Cook and Amber Adam Lambert? His gay swish is only rivaled by his #boyfriend’s Shakira inspired glide.

We won’t pretend like we place 100% outing certainty on something as trivial as a walk. Why there are some gay men out there who stalk around like bulls in China shops. And likewise, there are some truly straight bros out there who have a little wiggle in their jiggle.

I’m not gay. I just walk like Kim Kardashian at a the Pro Bowl because of my scoliosis!

It may be the easiest on the list to spot, but be warned, it is also the easiest to mistake.

 

But in conjunction with other clues, one can ascertain a true swish. And when you see one, you’ll know.

So what do you when you spot a guy strutting it down the street with just a little bit too much movement in his midsection? You stop, stare, give him the once over while gingerly licking your lips, and then watch him double back and ask for your number. He knows you noticed. You know you know you noticed. He knows you know that you know that he noticed. And so forth and so on.

And with that folks, we welcome you to the new year by advising you to walk the walk… we’ll talk the talk in a later post.

P.S. We didn’t come across this until after our post was written, so excuse the sloppy add-on but bam! It’s scien-fucking-tific that the swish exists. See for yourselves and tell us we don’t speak truth.

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…Wrestle

5 Oct

Okay. We know we’re narrowing the sports field down with some of these posts. But like we’ve always said, caveats exist in the world of Straight Men Don’t, so if you’re a wrestler, go rub some anti-herpes simplex two medication on your chest, and stop getting your uni in a pinch.

Some people call this practice. We call it fucking foreplay.

There are a million reasons why wrestling tops our list of sports that straight men don’t do. First and foremost, anyone who’s seen a wrestling match knows that the technique employed to bring your partner down is the same technique I employ when I want to make my partner come.

I’m not trying to be vulgar. I’m simply trying to be real.

Simulating gay sex is something the ancient Greeks loved to do. It allowed them to have gay sex without necessarily getting stoned by the magistrate. All in the name of sport. Win, fucking win.

It’s not gay! It’s just horseplay!

How this practice survived to the current century (we can never remember which one it is, to be honest), we have no clue. But it’s here, they’re queer, and we like it.

Aside from the fact that wrestling is pretty much gay sex with lycra on, there’s the small thing called the wrestler’s bone. We’ve all seen it. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine sent me a few NSFW .gifs with several wrestler’s bones dangling about. Needless to say, I hurriedly took my fifteen minute break in the stock room.

It’s inevitable. Every wrestler will tell you that it’s natural to pop a boner when someone is rubbing up against you so aggressively. It’s human nature.

WRONG.

It’s gay nature. It’s bad enough you put yourself in a situation where you had to be groped and prodded by men, but then your basic biology betrayed you as well. Straight men don’t let their biology betray them. Ever.

Pinned ya! Pinned ya again!

The only thing a straight bro wants to wrestle is a girl’s bra strap. Fact.

But much like several other things on this list, wrestling provides with a little bit of an enigma. You see, the sport itself, although layered in gay symbolism, is very very masculine. Which is why wrestlers are the trifecta for boys trying to get a #flippable notch on their belt.

You’d never know a wrestler was gay just by looking at him. It’s only when he’s pinned to the ground for six seconds with a hard on peeking out of his unitard that you say to yourself… hmm… I wonder if he’s #DTB.

Our advice? Stalk your local school’s wrestling team and suss out the one that A. Doesn’t have wrestler’s herpes, and B. Has #Ke$ha on his warm up tape. Invite him over one night, serve him a couple of #cocktails, and then ask him to show you some of his moves. You’ll have pinned to the bed in one, two, three!

…Vomit

22 Sep

Vom? You’re asking. Everyone vomits. It’s a human nature thing to do. Everyone has that drunken night on Spring Break where they’ve been overserved and wind up passing out on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet. Right?

WRONG.

Yes, yes, everyone vomits. It’s a medical fact. Ever have the stomach flu much? But it is a societal fact that losing your lunch (or lack thereof) due to alcohol poisoning is a sorority girl’s prerogative that your average straight man doesn’t get much leeway for.

We said much leeway, so calm the fuck down. Because we can’t discount the fact that everyone has that bad night or two freshman year, or during initiation, or in Myrtle Beach, or what have you, we’re implementing the three strikes and you’re out of the closet policy.

This is a big step for us. We’re used to speaking in absolutes.

So what does it say about a guy that is a habitual Friday night thrower upper? Well, it doesn’t say his sushi was fucking bad for the fourth weekend in a row.

The fundamental reason why people throw up is because they take too many drinks in a short amount of time. For a girl, accomplishing this is rather easy. Be hot. For str8 bois, the situation is almost the same. Be hot and in your underwear. Straight bros, not so much.

No one is buying a straight bro a drink unless his girlfriend just got pregnant or it’s his mother fucking birthday. Bachelor parties are a free pass, as well they should be on pretty much any rule. (If he doesn’t let you kiss the tip the night before he gets married, chances are you won’t get to kiss it ever). Everyone is a little gay without necessarily being gay at their bachelor party.

It’s also pretty hard to throw up on beer unless you’re taking straight pulls from the pitcher by yourself with no one around. It’s easier to lose track of your buzz on liquors, which is why #cosmo slinging gays and girls are given the a-okay to vomit away. But we all know that straight bros don’t drink cocktails, right….?

Is it a double standard? Yes.

Do we give a shit? Um… fuck no.

Drunk Man Throwing Up

This guy clearly needs a friend. Just pretend he isn't wearing a corduroy blazer...

So what do you do if you see a guy vomiting in the bathroom while you’re trying to take a leak? First, go leak outside. You’re still a man. You’ve earned this right. If it’s his first offense, get the guy some water and call it a night.

If, however, he’s known to be the chronic vomitter, stay up with him, hold his hair, and when he’s all done, nurse him to health with a little TLC. We say turn it to some late night Showtime, or better yet, pop #Risky Business into the DVD player and watch him squirm. If you can’t #flip him now, you don’t deserve to hold a spatula.

The big key here is to be there for him. Ask him why he always feels the need to drink to the point of oblivion. Are you hiding something from your bros? You can tell me… I won’t say anything… wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Spit or swallow? Before you know it, you’ll be wiping the upchuck off his chin and going in for the handy J with a side of last-meal.

Good fucking luck.

…Play Volleyball

18 Sep

We’ll concede one thing about straight men across the board. They enjoy a sport or two. Regardless whether they’re real straight bros or more nerdy reserved type bros, there is always a sport that they enjoy. It’s in their DNA (or RNA… we never paid attention in Biology because our Professor was way too hot…)

And because sports are in a straight man’s molecular fiber, one would assume that a gay man possess at least traces of that gene, no? Yes!

The difference isn’t the love of sport… it’s the sport we love that draws the line.

Sand Volleyball

This is the view on most volleyball courts. Come for the game... stay for the man candy.

Enter volleyball. Gay men love volleyball. They can’t get enough of that shit. Go to any sand volleyball court right now, and we guarantee you that you will find at least twelve shirtless men playing volleyball while simultaneously #tanning. It’s a two-for-one, and gay guys are always trying to multitask.

Bump! Set! #Flip!

On the inverse, straight guys don’t really get volleyball. Sure it’s a sport. Sure it requires teamwork and above average physicality. They’re willing to acknowledge it as a great sport for women to play (have you seen those tights?? jackpot!), but it isn’t a sport they’d take up for themselves.

Why? You ask. Believe it or not, straight bros associate sport with physical contact. (In case you’re dumb, in volleyball there really is none…). It’s been that way since ancient Rome when Gladiators used to get together and wrestle each other until one of them died. If there isn’t a physical test of strength, straight men would rather pass.

It’s why they love football… hello! Every play ends in a physical heap, where only the strongest survive. Boxing? Sign them up! Basketball… sure, they’ll watch that too.

There is something inherently stimulating to a straight bro about pushing up against another straight bro- in the manliest of ways, of course- and demonstrating that he’s physically bigger, stronger, and tougher than the other. It’s how cavemen used to demonstrate to cavewomen that they were superior. Fact.

Volleyball

You: Magic 8 Ball, will I find a str8 boi at volleyball today? Magic 8 Ball: It is decidedly so.

Because volleyball lacks this fundamental salt lick that straight bros require in their sporting, it’s been whittled down to the sport for str8 bois. Guys who still crave competition, but would rather get their physical contact elsewhere… and #naked…

If you think you’re going to suss out a #DTB athlete with a six pack at the basketball courts, think the fuck again.

So the next time you’re out at the park cruising for str8 bois with cosmo mix in  your Nalgene  bottle (because you’re a classy gal, duh), we say roll up those #man capris, take off your shirt as if you’re #Zac Efron at the beach, and join a game of pickup volleyball. We’re almost positive you’ll be picking something else up after…

Good game… good game… good game… here’s my number… good game… good game.