Tag Archives: cooking

…Cook

21 Dec

Okay, Bobby Flay. Don’t get your chef’s apron in a tight little wad before we paint our case. Clearly there will be caveats, but hear us out before you toss this post off the list.

Who wants to lick the spoon??

There are several things that straight men do that could go either way. Hell, I lived in a Frat house for three years and I saw every single one of those things first hand. (Have you ever watched a straight guy exfoliate for the first time? Not a good look).

But one place that has managed to be a sanctuary for str8 bros the world over is still protected, unlike those really tall trees in South America everyone is pooh-poohing about.

Yes, indeed, I am talking about the kitchen.

Watch a guy throw down a sticky bechamel sauce, lick that white and creamy off the spoon to taste, and tell me you can’t imagine him throwing down with Bobby Flay… so to speak.

Cooking, like #wearing scarves, is an art that our Euro-bros taught us, and gay men have clung to. Give us a box of ingredients, a stove, and a sauce pan, call me Paula Dean, and call it a day. I’m baking scones, bitches!

One must not confuse grilling with cooking. Grilling is #totes an acceptable activity for truly straight bros, even while their str8 counterparts are inside fixing a complimentary salad. It’s just the way it is. Why? Cave men grilled. Cave men weren’t gay… at first. They became gay when one of them found a bundt pan and decided to make a pound cake.

Excuse our excessive use of euphemism. Sorry we’re totes not sorry.

We are well aware that the majority of chefs in America are male, and that of that majority, the majority is straight. We get it, Ted Allen. You can go back to hanging out with #Ryan Seacrest now.

But remember what we said about #sunglasses? If you’re doing it for money, it’s not quite as gay as when you’re doing it for leisure. We’re not saying go hit on every sous chef this side of the Macaroni Grill. But if a guy offers to cook dinner for you in his free time, chances are he’s so not straight.

We’re also willing to make a caveat for guys who don’t cook well. These guys aren’t necessarily gay… they’re probably just hungry.

I made Ramen a la Eggs and Salsa. Want to come over?

There is a point, however, where his cooking for you isn’t simply entertaining in that “oh he tried” kind of way. It crosses over into the “oh, he wants Guy Fieri to #kiss the tip” kind of way.

No he’s not watching food network to see Giada at home… trust me!

So guys, the next time one of your bros invites you over to taste his Coq au Vin, make sure you bring a Coq au Condom, ’cause chances are things are about to get messy in the kitchen.

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