Tag Archives: Dancing with the Stars

Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

Ryan Seacrest… He’s SO Not Straight

14 Sep

Look, we’re not here to out Ryan Seacrest. Not our goal. He’s been doing it for us since that first American Idol confetti shower back in 2001. Think we were watching Kelly Clarkson take the crown? On the contrary friends. We were watching Ryan grin like a #DTB go-go dancer in the middle of Pasadena’s Pride Parade.

Ryan: Honey, you know what I love most about you? Julianne: I can put my leg behind my ear? Ryan: No...You look just your brother!

Yes, folks, there are very few celebrities who have managed to pull the cashmere wool over everyone’s eyes like Ryan Seacrest, but we’re on to his little game.

But SMD, he has a girlfriend! Who dances for a living! There’s no greater jackpot for a str8 boi. Where else can he get an endless supply of glitter, tulle, and high heels to prance around in while she’s out at the spa? Have you been to a Dancing with the Stars cast party? Hello! We’re talking #cosmos and #flippable str8 bros galore. Hello Mark Ballas!

The only thing gayer than being a dancer, is bearding one.

Never mind that Ryan is one of the most powerful faces in showbiz; let’s focus on the fact that his face is as perfectly sculpted as Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Think he had that when he was slumming it with Brian Dunkleman under the American Idol bleachers? We’ve been to a talent show, Ryan. We know what goes on under there. Oh hell no. Ryan learned very quickly that if he was going to get any action in West Hollywood, he’d need to upgrade the gams, and girlfriend did so!

Still not sure? Take this on for size. Ryan Secreast makes his living running E! Entertainment. Ask any str8 boi what his dream job is, and it would include celeb gossip, copious amounts of fashion, and getting to watch dailies of Keeping Up with the Kardashians all day long. Homeboy even scored an invite to the wedding! Zing!

Straight men don’t go to Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

So, Ryan, we give you full props for flying under the radar this long. We’ll even go as far as to say congrats to Julianne Hough for landing herself a primo GBFF (Gay BFF). But we all know when he’s holding her in his arms, he’s actually thinking about the other Hough… Derek.