Let’s face it. The longer we keep this list going, the less and less straight men are going to feel safe doing in broad day light. Do we give a rat’s feathered behind? Hell no. You know why not? Because it’s time for straight bros to take back the night. That’s right, fellows. Declare your masculinity. In this ever metro-fying world, it’s all you have left.
But I assure you with 100 percent confidence that you will not be able to reclaim your masculinity with a fucking lap dog.
It isn’t rocket science, folks. Straight bros don’t carry small dogs. It’s a matter of proportion. Smaller canines fit in smaller places… like purses. For women.
At first, I didn’t think that straight men even had small dogs. I thought there was a special class in school that pulled the straight guys aside and issued them each a golden retriever and an unused Playboy magazine. I spent much of my adult life convinced I was absent on this day of class.
But alas, after learning that the dog park is where many a str8 bro go to fraternize, I realized I was wrong. Guys the world over are running around with tiny ass chihuahas and still claiming they prefer fish tacos over tube steak.
Yeah fucking right!
The only reason a guy would get a weiner is because he wants weiner.
On the other hand, str8 bois love little tiny dogs. Forget that they’re trendy as shit. Mini dogs are like the gays of the canine world. They are undoubtedly bitchy, full of energy, hilarious, and easy to love. Try saying that about a German Shephard.
The reasons a straight bro would steer clear of a little yapping dog, however, are endless. Besides the fact that they make one appear gay at first glance, little teacup animals are meant to be pampered. Straight bros don’t have time for that shit. They take Air Bud to the dog park to pick up chicks while maybe getting a by-proxy #tan. It isn’t because Princess requires one to two hours of laying out per day.
Add in the cost of maintance and you’ve already maxed out the average straight man’s Give-A-Damn.
So sweetie, we’re not saying that your boyfriend and his miniature poodle are definitely watching #The A-Team with one hand under the pillow any time B. Cooper is on screen… but we are saying he’s definitely #DTB.
Incidentally, bois, because the dog park is still considered hetero central, going there and scoping out a #flippable dog owner is like fishing with a wide open net. We don’t know much about the art of fishing, but we’re assuming that the wider the net, the easier the catch. So go, grab some sunscreen and the brand new #Us Weekly and go fish… the str8 bros bite nice.