Tag Archives: entertain

…Sleepover

3 Oct

There’s really only one way to slice this puppy. Straight men don’t ‘sleepover’. Some might call it slumber party, while others may call it spending the night. Whatever your local colloquialism is, it’s the same cookie served the same way.

A sleepover is defined simply. An event in which one is invited to stay overnight while participating in planned events. Needless to say, accidentally partying too hard at your friend’s house and passing out on the bathroom floor does not a sleepover make. Prior knowledge is the distinction.

Did you pack your jammies and an extra pillow?

I know what you’re thinking. Grown ups don’t have sleepovers. We left that behind like denim jumpers in the seventh grade.

WRONG!

Why, just the other day, I was invited to a slumber party. Of course instead of playing POGS and drinking grape soda, we watched #Grey’s Anatomy and drank red wine (umm, we’re classy gals. We don’t drink #cocktails on school nights).

This sort of event is the adult equivalent of that adolescent favorite. And we’re appalled to learn that there are straight men out there who think it’s perfectly okay for them to participate. You know who else had sleepovers? Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin. HELLO!

Let’s break this down for you.

What goes on at your traditional slumber party? Oodles and oodles of gossip, that’s for damn sure. Maybe a mani-pedi treatment layered in there. #Cosmos, naturally, or other such fruity cocktails. A romantic comedy is usually on the agenda as well. And straight men don’t watch romantic comedies.

Slumber party

Cute when you're 8. Not cute when you're 28.

But the biggest reason we can’t condone straight bros going over to a friend’s house with a toothbrush and pajama bottoms in tow is because we all know what happens around 3 a.m. when we’re overserved but too antsy to go to bed.

Sex talk.

Yes, folks. We can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. And any bro who puts himself in that kind of murky situation was clearly looking to be thrown into that situation to begin with. Nothing spells #DTB quite like a guy who wants to stay up all night with you ‘just for fun’.

Would you go to a waterpark and not want to get wet? E-fucking-xactly. It’s a str8 boi’s dream to get invited to a slumber party by some other str8 bois. It’s where the #circle jerk was first invented, we’re pretty sure. Being up late and delirious is the perfect excuse to say something that will lead to something… and trust us, if we had a dollar for every time a sleep over turned into a not-so-sleep-over, we’d be filing a special 1080 come April 15th.

The rules are simple. Accidentally spending the night is A-okay. Premeditated slumber partying is a gay offense in the first degree.

So what do you do when a ‘straight’ bro invites you over to spend the night? Our advice is to manscape, moisturize, and chug a Red Bull every two hours. The worst thing is getting the opening and then blowing it by falling asleep before you get to blow it.