Tag Archives: Entertainment

…Give Good Gifts

9 Dec

We all know the gays aren’t the fastest readers, but come the fuck on guys. If you started reading this title and thought Straight Men Don’t Give Good… something else, you’re as perverted as that glory hole you went to on your lunch break yesterday (Bonus points of perversion if you were fifteen minutes late to clock back in and you told your boss your oil change ran over time).

But no, we’re not talking about the gagless gift that will inevitably bring all the boys to the yard. As Christmas approaches, we couldn’t help but wonder what separates straight bros from their str8 boi counterparts during these festiv times.

History has shown us time and time again that straight men are incapable of being thoughtful (… and by history, we mean TGIF sitcoms from the nineties. Thanks Tim the Tool Man Taylor!). Having the ability to give a well thought out, meaningful, personal, and yet still semi-practical gift is beyond their molecular code. It just isn’t in their DNA.

Str8 bros, on the other hand, make the kind of boyfriends you hear about giving the worlds greatest gifts. Why? Because God blessed us with the ability to understand women and ignore that portion of our brains that make us think like a man.

Yes, I said God… get thee over it.

We’re not saying that straight bros are stupid. In fact, they’re pretty smart. Too smart, sometimes. To them, a practical gift like NFL Sunday Ticket for six free months is the best gift. It gives us something we can do together, honey.

Not quite, sweetie!

Even the ones that aren’t that dense still think a box of Anaise Anaise perfume with a cute Macy’s bow around it is sufficient.

Isn’t that what #Tom Cruise gave that giant Australian wax statue for their anniversary?

Sometimes saying "Here's your favorite show, honey!" sounds more like "I'm a fucking fairy!"

Try again.

Only a GBFF will know that what she really wants this Chanukkah season is that locket she saw once at that antique store you passed once in that city you visited once on that date you had once. So go get the fucking locket.

Gay men have the ability to go outside of themselves and think sentimentally without getting all Edward from #Twilight sappy. As brutally honest as we are on a day to day basis- no, you do not look like #Kim Kardashian in that dress- when it comes to giving gifts, we’re better at it than anyone.

“Oh honey… I love the matching #sunglasses. Yay!”

They don’t say Keep the Yuletide Gay for nothing!

So ladies, this is a message straight from me to you. If your boyfriend gives you the world’s sweetest gifts’ if said gifts are delivered with great penash and style; and if you for a second think that that gift couldn’t come from a guy as straight as your man, listen to teacher: your man isn’t straight.

It really is that fucking simple.

I know, I know, everyone wants to be the girl that tells her friends her man got her tickets to see the closing night of Wicked because he knows she loves #musicals, but come on ladies. Nothing spells #DTB during the Holidays than a big ole heap of good gift giving.

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Kris Humphries… He’s So Not Straight

7 Dec

Hi there folks. We were doing a bit of research for our next outing, and it came down to Kris Kardashian Humphries and Macaulay Culkin. We decided we would hold off on calling out Macaulay because he’s such a no brainer, outing him made our heads hurt.

Kris Humpries on the other hand isn’t quite as obvious.

Duhzies… he married Kim Kardashian for like five minutes. He can’t be gay… right?

Wrong!

Let’s see what one of our #Bibles has to say about his homosexuality… a cover picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

The proof is in the fucking pudding. It's a wife's intuition.

Let’s dissect the clues, shall we?

First and foremost, there’s his close proximity to #The Kardashian mafia. We all know that straight men would rather stick unlubricated q-tips down their urethra than keep up with even a single Kardashian (with the exception of possibly Kendall). Keeping up with that shit is a str8 bro’s prerogative, and a truly straight man wants no part of it.

Kris, however, has been keeping up with that shit since the day he bought his first pair of #shades. Why else would he fill out the application on E! to marry Kim? Hello! He wanted in, without having to stick it in.

Seriously, if you think that wedding was anything less than a grade A sham, you are seriously delush (that’s #abbrev for delusional in case you missed your last fag lesson).

Let’s not even start on the spelling of his name. Everyone knows that Kris is a gay man’s Chris. What the fuck is Kris even short for? Kristina, that’s what.

My name is Toni.. with an I… bitch, that’s so not straight.

Let’s talk about the boy’s nature now. It’s one thing to want #Ryan Seacrest for a boss, but we saw the look K-Hump gave that wiley social climber during his vows. He might have been talking to Kim, but we all know who those words were directed towards.

Let’s talk about the moment we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that homeboy was a big fat homo. It was when we were doing what other str8 bros do on Sunday night- watching KUWTK- and saw Khump shaving Scott’s armpits. Come on folks.There is no greater red flag that the guy is #DTB than watching him shave another man. It’s the armpits today; it’s the pubes tomorrow. By next week, the two of them will be bleaching each other’s assholes and picking spinach from each other’s teeth.

I’m the biggest proponent of calling a spade a spade, and Kris’s spade has a big fat fruit drawn on it. If it wasn’t for the goofy Frankenstein face, we’d be glad to welcome him on the list. We just can’t get over that furrowed brow.

But if he’s your not-so-straight cup of tea, we say climb that tall mulatto tree and hop on. If he can shave a man’s chest, he can definitely let a man #KTT.

…Abbrev

29 Nov

Nothing says 'I'm Secretly Gay' quite like an avid texter on a pink phone.

This one here is a tricky one. Most straight men will see this post title and think to themselves, “What the hell is abbrev? Is that a place in the Middle East?”

But there is one in ten amongst you who will look at that and go, “Obvi… abbrev. Duhzies.”

If you are the latter, you are so not straight.

Abbreviating one’s words became popular with the plastic crowds around the time we got our first pink Razr phone back in the sixth grade. See, in those days before full keyboard enabled texting, sending messages was a bit of a bitch. So we created abbrevs.

BRB. TTYL. LYLAS (Or love you like a bro and sis… obvi). Those were only the beginning.

Before long, and regardless of the fact that abbrevs often take up more time to spell than the actual word or phrase, gays and girls started abbreviating everything. We’re talking everything.

OMG, it’s just my BFF Jill.

You see, abbreviating is a fundamental part of the dialect known as Fag. You English speakers have Nouns and Verbs… we have Abbrevs and words that end in zies

Straight bros, however, find this practice nonsensical. Just like a straight bro wouldn’t be caught dead sporting this season’s most fetching #man capris, he wouldn’t be caught dead texting in abbreviations if his life depended on it.

And don’t get us started on emoticons.

It’s almost a no-brainer. Clearly abbreviating is reserved for fruitcakes and the fruit flies who circle them.

You would think, wouldn’t you? But it was when I received text after text from “straight” bros who still claim to order off the fish menu that I had to take pause.

Why are straight men texting in shorthand? Because they’re so not straight, that’s why. Abbreviating is the new official language of #Flipville, fellas. So if you don’t want your gay card counted in the census, you’d better learn how to spell obviously correctly.

Abbreving isn’t just a language for the str8 bros amongst us. It’s part of a bigger and badder lifestyle. It’s the first thing a baby-gay learns to do when he’s spreading his wings and getting ready to put #Grey’s Anatomy on his DVR season pass. It’s the lemon drop shot before the #Cosmo. It’s the icing before the fucking cake.

You wouldn’t go to Spain without learning to speak a little bit of Spanglesh, would you?

It’s for this very reason that str8 bois don’t #KTT without knowing what #DTB stands for. If he speaks in abbrevs, you can get him to his knees… it rhymes, so it must be true.

So what do you when a str8 boi you’re crushing on totes abbrevs in his next text to you? Call him out faster than you’d call out a whore at Sunday mass. Invite him over. Make him choose from your lube buffet and plow on. It really is that simple. If he’s BRB, then he’s most likely DTF… and that’s an abbreviation we can get behind.

…Have Small Dogs

24 Nov

Let’s face it. The longer we keep this list going, the less and less straight men are going to feel safe doing in broad day light. Do we give a rat’s feathered behind?  Hell no. You know why not? Because it’s time for straight bros to take back the night. That’s right, fellows. Declare your masculinity. In this ever metro-fying world, it’s all you have left.

But I assure you with 100 percent confidence that you will not be able to reclaim your masculinity with a fucking lap dog.

It isn’t rocket science, folks. Straight bros don’t carry small dogs. It’s a matter of proportion. Smaller canines fit in smaller places… like purses. For women.

At first, I didn’t think that straight men even had small dogs. I thought there was a special class in school that pulled the straight guys aside and issued them each a golden retriever and an unused Playboy magazine. I spent much of my adult life convinced I was absent on this day of class.

Does this tiny shirt make me look gay? No, but that tiny ass dog sure does the trick...

But alas, after learning that the dog park is where many a str8 bro go to fraternize, I realized I was wrong. Guys the world over are running around with tiny ass chihuahas and still claiming they prefer fish tacos over tube steak.

Yeah fucking right!

The only reason a guy would get a weiner is because he wants weiner.

On the other hand, str8 bois love little tiny dogs. Forget that they’re trendy as shit. Mini dogs are like the gays of the canine world. They are undoubtedly bitchy, full of energy, hilarious, and easy to love. Try saying that about a German Shephard.

The reasons a straight bro would steer clear of a little yapping dog, however, are endless. Besides the fact that they make one appear gay at first glance, little teacup animals are meant to be pampered. Straight bros don’t have time for that shit. They take Air Bud to the dog park to pick up chicks while maybe getting a by-proxy #tan. It isn’t because Princess requires one to two hours of laying out per day.

Add in the cost of maintance and you’ve already maxed out the average straight man’s Give-A-Damn.

So sweetie, we’re not saying that your boyfriend and his miniature poodle are definitely watching #The A-Team with one hand under the pillow any time B. Cooper is on screen… but we are saying he’s definitely #DTB.

Incidentally, bois, because the dog park is still considered hetero central, going there and scoping out a #flippable dog owner is like fishing with a wide open net. We don’t know much about the art of fishing, but we’re assuming that the wider the net, the easier the catch. So go, grab some sunscreen and the brand new #Us Weekly and go fish… the str8 bros bite nice.

Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

…Join Boy Bands

11 Oct
Nsync is gay

Open wide Justin. Singing a high tenor solo or practicing to kiss the tip in the tour bus later?

So we’re just going to say it. One in five men in a boy band is a blatant homosexual. The other four are closet homosexuals.

Most people think that boy bands started in the late 90’s. Those people are fucking retarded. Boy bands have been around since at least the 60’s. And for our salt, we’re willing to bet that Shakespeare was running around singing jingles with four other closeted guys in tights. We’re just saying.

So what makes the practice of boy banding such a gay thing? It’s simple. One, we all know that straight men don’t do musicals, and being in a boy band is like being in a musical 24 fucking 7. I mean come on, Jesse McCartney was in a boy band, and we all know he’s like a poor man’s #Zac Efron.

Besides having to sing and dance to seriously gay tunes, something a bro that wasn’t #DTB wouldn’t be caught dead doing, the life of a boy bander is filled with drama and #tabloid gossip. Str8 bros eat that shit up. Straight men… not so much.

Which leads us to why exactly gay men go gaga over boy bands. Here’s a hint… it’s not the same reason we’re so into #Ke$ha. For starters, every boy band has at least two members we would definitely turn it over for. We’re talking to you Ringo and Paul!

Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet. Oh but they’re so spaced out! B-b-b-b-Benny and the Jets!

Walk into any gay bar and you will find at least two bitch fights going on about whether or not N’sync or Backstreet Boys were better… and about which members were sleeping with each other. Spoiler alert: ALL of them!

No one has that many gay fans without, at some point, either becoming gay or having a gay child. Right Cher? Exactly.

Now, we’re not saying every single boy in every single group is gay. Trying telling that to Steven Tyler and his massively massive tongue that we’re sure could work wonders in the boudoir. But we are saying that the majority are at least #flippable, and that most of those bros have been in the center of a #circle jerk or two.

What do you do when you’re on a bus for twelve hours and you really want a BJ? Why, you ask Lance Bass to the #kiss the fucking tip.

We know we’re verging on wishful thinking here… I mean, God, wouldn’t it be great if Justin Timberlake were a ‘mo. Well, we’re hear to say the jury is still fucking out. Until we hear otherwise, we’re ready to file Jessica Biel behind #Katie Holmes and call it a day.

You may as well just go ahead and call them the Backdoor Boys for all we care. Yes, Howie. I want it that way.

Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about… what’s the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out.

We’re willing to confess that we seduced several guys in the couple of boy bands we were in during the course of high school and college. I mean, have you ever been to an acapella group festival? It’s like a fucking str8 bros dream, second only to Bryant Park during #fashion week as the gayest event in the all.

So if you can’t join a boy band, we’d say spend a summer stalking one. Some call it being a groupie. We call it back packing through Europe with a purpose. We’re more than confident that you’ll get your fair share of boy band juice by the time your road trip is over. Bet on it, bet on it, you can bet on that!

…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

…Wrestle

5 Oct

Okay. We know we’re narrowing the sports field down with some of these posts. But like we’ve always said, caveats exist in the world of Straight Men Don’t, so if you’re a wrestler, go rub some anti-herpes simplex two medication on your chest, and stop getting your uni in a pinch.

Some people call this practice. We call it fucking foreplay.

There are a million reasons why wrestling tops our list of sports that straight men don’t do. First and foremost, anyone who’s seen a wrestling match knows that the technique employed to bring your partner down is the same technique I employ when I want to make my partner come.

I’m not trying to be vulgar. I’m simply trying to be real.

Simulating gay sex is something the ancient Greeks loved to do. It allowed them to have gay sex without necessarily getting stoned by the magistrate. All in the name of sport. Win, fucking win.

It’s not gay! It’s just horseplay!

How this practice survived to the current century (we can never remember which one it is, to be honest), we have no clue. But it’s here, they’re queer, and we like it.

Aside from the fact that wrestling is pretty much gay sex with lycra on, there’s the small thing called the wrestler’s bone. We’ve all seen it. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine sent me a few NSFW .gifs with several wrestler’s bones dangling about. Needless to say, I hurriedly took my fifteen minute break in the stock room.

It’s inevitable. Every wrestler will tell you that it’s natural to pop a boner when someone is rubbing up against you so aggressively. It’s human nature.

WRONG.

It’s gay nature. It’s bad enough you put yourself in a situation where you had to be groped and prodded by men, but then your basic biology betrayed you as well. Straight men don’t let their biology betray them. Ever.

Pinned ya! Pinned ya again!

The only thing a straight bro wants to wrestle is a girl’s bra strap. Fact.

But much like several other things on this list, wrestling provides with a little bit of an enigma. You see, the sport itself, although layered in gay symbolism, is very very masculine. Which is why wrestlers are the trifecta for boys trying to get a #flippable notch on their belt.

You’d never know a wrestler was gay just by looking at him. It’s only when he’s pinned to the ground for six seconds with a hard on peeking out of his unitard that you say to yourself… hmm… I wonder if he’s #DTB.

Our advice? Stalk your local school’s wrestling team and suss out the one that A. Doesn’t have wrestler’s herpes, and B. Has #Ke$ha on his warm up tape. Invite him over one night, serve him a couple of #cocktails, and then ask him to show you some of his moves. You’ll have pinned to the bed in one, two, three!

Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

…Watch Twilight

28 Sep

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

Twilight is Pretty Gay

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Twilight Brokeback Mountain

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.