Tag Archives: Fashion

…Wear Scarves

10 Dec

I look so masculine... from the neck up.

As this winter rages on, with snow in December threatening to fade our fall #tans before the new year even hits, men of all shapes and sizes are taking drastic measures to stay warm. Why, just the other day, I counted sixteen wrapped scarves on the necks of men who, all things considered, I would have pegged for straight.

Not anymore.

We here at SMD don’t give a shit how cold it is outside. Wearing scarves has always been a ‘mo-ish thing, since the first gay caveman killed his very first kashmir goat in the heights of the Himalayas and wrapped that bitch’s pelt around his neck. Don’t believe us? Research that shit.

The scarf is right up there with the #sunglass as a totally two-sided accessory. Sure it has it’s uses. Sure it wards off your chances of pnuemonia or the flu or some such disgusting illness. Sure it keeps your body temp regulated while the weather outside is frightful.

Oh, doll, your pashmina is so delightful!

But at the very end of the day, wrapping that scarf into a classic Four-in-Hand is something only str8 bros would be caught doing. True straight men would rather freeze to death. Trust us, we’ve seen it.

Why is the scarf such a fruity pebble?

Despite what the Gap tells metro guys (or PC for Gay In Five Years, but more on that later), there is no masculine way to wear a scarf. It’s like slipping a broach onto your suit lapel. What the fuck are you doing?

Scarves dangle in a way that is decidedly feminine, no matter how low brow the color or unassuming the design. Even a simple black knit scarf carries with it an air of homosexuality. There’s really nothing you can do about it.

Think about the kind of guys that wear neck pieces with reckless abandon. Euro-fucking-peans. We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times. Don’t make us bust out the jingle…

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

The French started this thing, and gays the world over bought into it. Is it our fault? No… blame it on our Francophilia. Since then, men in England, Germany, Italy, and Brazil have made it a mainstay in fashion, where it belongs.

Not around the necks of bros trying to pass themselves off as straight. But because the scarf is making its way into society, it’s the easiest way to come out to other str8 bros without coming out to your truly straight friends. Sure they’ll ask why the fuck you’re tying your grandma’s doily around your neck. You’ll respond with something quippy like how warm it keeps you. When you finally make it to the bar, you’ll spot the other lone gay in the next group and you two will hit it off.

You: Where’d you get your scarf from?

Him: J. Crew. Want to feel.

You: Sure… in the bathroom. Don’t tell my bros, but I’m totally #DTB.

And that’s how it happens.

Is anyone surprised to see Hollywood's most powerful str8 boi sporting the latest craze in fashion? Hellz no.

Fellows, on your quest to find a straight bro and bag him quickly, look for the subtle clues. Straight men don’t wear scarves, at least not in public. So if you spot a hottie sporting a half-bow, hop on that shit as quickly as possible. A scarf this season means he’s probably coming out soon. And you know what that means…

Come summer, he’ll be slipping into a brand new pair of grade-A #man capris.

**Warning: We know we have a lot of female readers (and by a lot, we mean half a dozen). Ladies, do not buy your man a scarf for #Christmas. It’s almost like you’re begging for him to get harassed by your GBFF, Tony. And if we know straight bros, we know that he can only say “Dude, I’m not gay” so many times before he asks himself what the big deal is…

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

…Wear Sunglasses

28 Sep

Okay, before you throw rotten tomatoes our way, hear us the fuck out. Straight men CAN wear sunglasses, if they want people to think they aren’t straight.

Tom Cruise Gay

The only thing straight about this look is Tom Cruise's straight set of pearly whites.

There are a couple of caveats to this rule, and we’ll get to those soon enough. For now, let’s discuss the reasons why sunglasses are strictly for our #DTB brethern.

First of all, they’re an accessory. We all know that accessories belong in the closets of two kinds of people that aren’t themselves in the closet: gays and girls. It’s a fact of #fashion. We didn’t make the rules, but we certainly live by them.

If you insist on wearing those sweats today, you can’t sit with us!

For some, sunglasses have a practical purpose. Sure they keep your eyes protected from that bright yellow thing that’s determined to make your hangover worse as you waltz down to Starbucks for a morning after Cup-o-Joe, but anyone who’s anyone (read: #flippable) knows that glasses are more fashion than function.

And therein lies the problem for the straight guy among us. Although a straight bro could get away with wearing shades in a way he can’t get away with wearing #man capris– function, remember?- the fact of the matter is if I see you wearing them, you’re towing the line between metro and full on homo, and we always like line-towers.

Don’t get me started on guys who perch their glasses on their heads.

Let’s talk about the celebrities that are often seen wearing sunglasses. Oh, you guessed it. #Tom Fucking Cruise isn’t snapped without a pair of Oakley’s to shade those shady blues. Still not convinced? #Zac Efron anyone?

I told you there were exceptions, right? Well we here at SMD are men of our words. Wearing shades doesn’t necessarily make a man a ‘mo if he indeed calls them shades. Who else would call them shades?

If your glasses can be described as oversized in any way shape or form, however, chances are there’s a dick in your mouth as you read this.

Zac Efron Gay

Zac Efron has perfected the "I'm going to the bathhouse look". The only thing that could make this look worse is a pink boa and sling back pumps.

If he has a job that keeps him outside for several hours during the day, he may be looking for more of that function and less of that fashion (unless of course, the glasses are designer, in which case, he’s as gay as a jaybird). Think construction workers (gross), coaches (yum), boaters (could go either way). Other guys who get a free pass are southern fraternity bros, although they’re gay for completely different reasons, but we won’t get into that.

Since the sunglass became a modern display of individuality, they have served as the crowning piece to a str8 boi’s wardrobe. So what do you do if you see someone wearing a pair of shades and he isn’t directing traffic?

This could be tricky. Glasses are worn during the day, which means you can’t tip the scale your way with a #cocktail or two. You’ll have to approach very carefully, nonthreateningly, and ride it out until the time is right. Instead of going for a classic hit-on, try to a arrange a bro-date for the evening time, when you can slip in a little liquid lubricant.

We all know you don’t want to get too far without some form of lubricant, right?

 

…Know Designers

19 Sep

This should be a no brainer. Not only did Elle Woods win a pretty big murder case based on this theory, but it’s common fucking knowledge that designer clothes are the only things a gay man commits to memory.

Wait, what was his name? The guy I made out with who was wearing the 7 for all Mankind jeans and the Guess shirt? Oh yeah, him!

In case you were wondering, that was an actual conversation.

See, while straight bros were in school learning things, the gays were sitting in the back, #man capris crossed, and flipping through Vogue magazine to see if stripes or floral prints were making a comeback. Fact. It’s the only education we needed.

Florals? For Spring? Groundbreaking.

Gay Men Know Designers. Straight Men Dont

Feeling the new Miu Miu collection? Chances are you can be persuaded to feel something else too...

Even the casual fashion fiend knows the big names. Oscar de la Renta, Fendi, Tom Ford, Gucci, Karl Lagerfeld, the late, great Alexander McQueen and that little, lovely, dangerously #tan antisemite that we too are currently boycotting. If you can name more than two of these fashion houses, there’s a 100 percent chance that you are #so not straight.

With Fashion Week ending, it struck us that this rule is pretty much hard and fast. We’re not saying all gays are fashion addicts, but let’s be honest, style is one of our defining characteristics. So naturally a fruit-in-training would turn to his more stylish examples of how to dress and behave.

Don’t even get us started on guys who watch Project Runway sans girlfriend.

Like any rule, however, there are those caveats we cannot ignore. Not every single stylish man out there will let you kiss the tip. On the contrary. Places like J. Crew and Brooks Brothers have made a killing catering to the heterosexual bloke who would otherwise be wearing cargo pants and Ed Hardy all year round. We cringe at the thought. We thank you for that, J.Crew and BB.

Side note: You shouldn’t be hitting on anyone in Ed Hardy anyway, gay or straight. It’s just a no… a real flaccid, pencil dick no.

So what do you do when you see a man dressed head to toe in this year’s couture? Unfortunately, this is a trickier one than most. While most overt ‘mos (and we’re talking real fire hazards here), will be easy to spot, the more metro the world becomes, the more blurrier the lines get.

The first thing to do is not to panic. Just because he’s wearing the brand new Marc Jacobs trench with a Burberry scarf doesn’t necessarily mean he’s #DTB. But this kind of guy gets asked if he’s gay a lot, so there’s no shame in making a strong approach. Just be prepared to be let down gently, and unpleasantly surprised.

But don’t ever give up on this guy! Getting asked enough has probably put the thought into his mind… maybe I will let Toni with an I kiss the tip one of these days.

Who knows. He  might claim he’s straight, but after a #cosmo or two, he’s shedding those designer duds and you’re taking him straight to bed.

…Read US Weekly

17 Sep

Look, we’re all about equal rights here at Straight Men Don’t. We would never suggest an activity is strictly for one gender or sexual orientation. See our caveat on #tanning.

Us Weekly Mary Kate Olsen

By far our favorite issue of The Bible. We love you MKO!

However, it is historically proven that the magazine was invented for bored socialite women who got pleasure by reading about other people’s mishaps. Hence, the magazine was born. (We’re aware that before that, scholars used to write down their super smart thoughts and send them out to their other super smart friends, tabloid style… but we’re going to file those under Almanacs. We doubt Benji Franklin told the Continental Congress to hold on while he referenced his international magazine…)

Fast forward to 2011, and bored women have included gay men in their magazine hoarding culture. There are a plethora of glossy gossip rags waiting to dish on the latest celebrity dirt. Not a fan of reading? Have no fear. E! has an entire CHANNEL devoted to magazine-ing… hosted by none other than #Ryan Fucking Seacrest.

What is it about magazines that gay men love and that a straight man wouldn’t appreciate? First of all, magazines are super shiny, and gay men love all things shiny. Secondly, gay men love talking shit about people, and that’s all a magazine is. If we had a dollar for every time US Weekly talked shit about #Tom Cruise and his addiction to Scientology, we wouldn’t be investigating Google Adsense on our other browser window.

US Weekly is like the fucking Bible to gay men. It’s glossy, gossipy, fun to read, and has pictures of celebs dressed in fugly outfits. They also make outlandish claims about celebs that can’t possibly be verified (yes, that IS #Zac Efron spotted leaving an all-male strip club… NOT!). In short, it’s amazing.

Gay men love other magazines as well. Stacked under our bed is every back issue of Vogue since we watched read The Devil Wears Prada. In case you’re slow, #straight men don’t read Vogue.

Tom Cruise Vanity Fair

We keep this one under our mattress...

What do straight men read, you ask? For our truly straight bros who can’t be bothered with opening a book, they sift through boring fair like The New Yorker, The Economist or Sports fucking Illustrated. (Side note: some deeply closeted str8 bois will stack their coffee table up with Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition just to throw people off. Don’t be fooled).

For the last time, no one READS Playboy for the articles…

The only magazine we consider to be a stumper is Vanity Fair. Many a straight bro seek it’s pages for unbridled culture. Some just like the occasionally racy covers. We call that one a toss-up.

So if you’re stalking a straight bro you swear is #flippable, just head on over to his bathroom and check out the stacks he has next to his toilet. There’s no surer sign that a dude is #DTB than a casually placed Cosmopolitan lying around next to his pooper.

The bonus of snagging a str8 bro that reads Cosmo? As of September 2010, he knows 101 ways to elongate your pleasure using only the palm of his hands and an ice cube. Jackpot!

…Wear Man Capris

14 Sep

Look at those super sexy cavs! Better to squat thrust with, bois!

We used to think that nothing  could stump us. Show us a man trying to pass himself off as straight, for whatever reason, and we’d call him out faster than #Ryan Seacrest could ask for a hair straightener.

Enter the Manpri.

There are two kinds of men who wear Manpris. Yard boys and gay hipsters. Ladies shouldn’t be hitting on either of these men anyway. Straight men don’t even know what Manpris are.

What are these ambiguous bottoms anyway? They are calf length trousers, somewhere between a short and a pant. Your grandmother would probably call them peddle pushers. Regardless, they’re fucking fabulous. And they’re fucking gay.

No man can be taken seriously claiming to be straight, throwing a frisbee around with his bros, while wearing man capris. We don’t give a shit if your pants were dragging and you just rolled them up to capri-length. Bois, if you see a man walking around wearing man capris, he’s probably #down to bend.

Need further proof? Just ask yourself who brought the man capri back into style. That’s right. #Zac Fucking Efron. Need we say more?

So what do you do if you see a seriously straight bro walking around in man capris? Have absolutely no fear, and hit on him, day or fucking night. Who cares if he has a girlfriend. If she knew better, she wouldn’t let her fairy-in-training out of the house in freaking knickerbockers. What? I thought he was a paper boy!

Don’t take this dude seriously, though. He’s almost begging to be hit on. Save your #cosmo money, keep your #Thursday night open for someone else, and just make a solid pass. This one is fail safe, we almost guarantee it.