Tag Archives: Funny

…Sleepover

3 Oct

There’s really only one way to slice this puppy. Straight men don’t ‘sleepover’. Some might call it slumber party, while others may call it spending the night. Whatever your local colloquialism is, it’s the same cookie served the same way.

A sleepover is defined simply. An event in which one is invited to stay overnight while participating in planned events. Needless to say, accidentally partying too hard at your friend’s house and passing out on the bathroom floor does not a sleepover make. Prior knowledge is the distinction.

Did you pack your jammies and an extra pillow?

I know what you’re thinking. Grown ups don’t have sleepovers. We left that behind like denim jumpers in the seventh grade.

WRONG!

Why, just the other day, I was invited to a slumber party. Of course instead of playing POGS and drinking grape soda, we watched #Grey’s Anatomy and drank red wine (umm, we’re classy gals. We don’t drink #cocktails on school nights).

This sort of event is the adult equivalent of that adolescent favorite. And we’re appalled to learn that there are straight men out there who think it’s perfectly okay for them to participate. You know who else had sleepovers? Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin. HELLO!

Let’s break this down for you.

What goes on at your traditional slumber party? Oodles and oodles of gossip, that’s for damn sure. Maybe a mani-pedi treatment layered in there. #Cosmos, naturally, or other such fruity cocktails. A romantic comedy is usually on the agenda as well. And straight men don’t watch romantic comedies.

Slumber party

Cute when you're 8. Not cute when you're 28.

But the biggest reason we can’t condone straight bros going over to a friend’s house with a toothbrush and pajama bottoms in tow is because we all know what happens around 3 a.m. when we’re overserved but too antsy to go to bed.

Sex talk.

Yes, folks. We can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. And any bro who puts himself in that kind of murky situation was clearly looking to be thrown into that situation to begin with. Nothing spells #DTB quite like a guy who wants to stay up all night with you ‘just for fun’.

Would you go to a waterpark and not want to get wet? E-fucking-xactly. It’s a str8 boi’s dream to get invited to a slumber party by some other str8 bois. It’s where the #circle jerk was first invented, we’re pretty sure. Being up late and delirious is the perfect excuse to say something that will lead to something… and trust us, if we had a dollar for every time a sleep over turned into a not-so-sleep-over, we’d be filing a special 1080 come April 15th.

The rules are simple. Accidentally spending the night is A-okay. Premeditated slumber partying is a gay offense in the first degree.

So what do you do when a ‘straight’ bro invites you over to spend the night? Our advice is to manscape, moisturize, and chug a Red Bull every two hours. The worst thing is getting the opening and then blowing it by falling asleep before you get to blow it.

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…Watch Twilight

28 Sep

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

Twilight is Pretty Gay

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Twilight Brokeback Mountain

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.