Tag Archives: Glee

…Give Good Gifts

9 Dec

We all know the gays aren’t the fastest readers, but come the fuck on guys. If you started reading this title and thought Straight Men Don’t Give Good… something else, you’re as perverted as that glory hole you went to on your lunch break yesterday (Bonus points of perversion if you were fifteen minutes late to clock back in and you told your boss your oil change ran over time).

But no, we’re not talking about the gagless gift that will inevitably bring all the boys to the yard. As Christmas approaches, we couldn’t help but wonder what separates straight bros from their str8 boi counterparts during these festiv times.

History has shown us time and time again that straight men are incapable of being thoughtful (… and by history, we mean TGIF sitcoms from the nineties. Thanks Tim the Tool Man Taylor!). Having the ability to give a well thought out, meaningful, personal, and yet still semi-practical gift is beyond their molecular code. It just isn’t in their DNA.

Str8 bros, on the other hand, make the kind of boyfriends you hear about giving the worlds greatest gifts. Why? Because God blessed us with the ability to understand women and ignore that portion of our brains that make us think like a man.

Yes, I said God… get thee over it.

We’re not saying that straight bros are stupid. In fact, they’re pretty smart. Too smart, sometimes. To them, a practical gift like NFL Sunday Ticket for six free months is the best gift. It gives us something we can do together, honey.

Not quite, sweetie!

Even the ones that aren’t that dense still think a box of Anaise Anaise perfume with a cute Macy’s bow around it is sufficient.

Isn’t that what #Tom Cruise gave that giant Australian wax statue for their anniversary?

Sometimes saying "Here's your favorite show, honey!" sounds more like "I'm a fucking fairy!"

Try again.

Only a GBFF will know that what she really wants this Chanukkah season is that locket she saw once at that antique store you passed once in that city you visited once on that date you had once. So go get the fucking locket.

Gay men have the ability to go outside of themselves and think sentimentally without getting all Edward from #Twilight sappy. As brutally honest as we are on a day to day basis- no, you do not look like #Kim Kardashian in that dress- when it comes to giving gifts, we’re better at it than anyone.

“Oh honey… I love the matching #sunglasses. Yay!”

They don’t say Keep the Yuletide Gay for nothing!

So ladies, this is a message straight from me to you. If your boyfriend gives you the world’s sweetest gifts’ if said gifts are delivered with great penash and style; and if you for a second think that that gift couldn’t come from a guy as straight as your man, listen to teacher: your man isn’t straight.

It really is that fucking simple.

I know, I know, everyone wants to be the girl that tells her friends her man got her tickets to see the closing night of Wicked because he knows she loves #musicals, but come on ladies. Nothing spells #DTB during the Holidays than a big ole heap of good gift giving.

…Watch Glee

21 Sep

… Mother fucking duh! I’m almost slightly embarrassed to spend five hundred words dispelling why straight men don’t watch Glee.

Glee is Back!

How would my good friend Dr. Suess put it? If you watch this show on FOX, you do not want any BOX.

Is it the fact that it’s a fucking #musical? Sure, why not.

Maybe because over half the characters are either homosexual or played by homosexuals? Yes, that could be it.

It could be because the agenda is laid on so thick, even str8 bois have a hard time taking it seriously? Yeah, that’s one, too.

Maybe, just maybe it’s because Lea Michele is SO annoying she cancels any hotness factor the show may actually have... BINGO, Sherlock!

No matter how you slice it, no one who watches Glee wants to get some pussy fresh box later that night. Nothing screams I want fairy tail quite like watching this fairy tale.

Glee is the epitome of Gay TV for the 21st Century. Like Project Runway six years before it, it was the guiltiest of guilty pleasures for str8 bros and the guys who they were letting kiss it on the side. No one was allowed to know they watched Glee together just like no one was allowed to know he occasionally liked a finger up the rectum. Snitches get stitches!

But somewhere along the way, things started to change. People started to admit they watched this show. Just the other day, my brother set his Tivo for a season pass of Glee! GLEE! This is a man with a girlfriend and who doesn’t exhibit any other straight men don’t quality… and he’s watching Glee.

Puck

We admit it. This is the Only reason we agreed to watch this show...

I’m sorry to get personal, but I was flabbergasted. Downright floored. I had to move him from a firm five on the Kinsey to a flimsy four. He’s one #Tom Cruise haircut away from

strapping on assless chaps and singing It’s Raining Men at ‘Ladies Night’.

We’ve laid out the reasons why Glee isn’t an appropriate show for straight bros to watch. In fact, if you’re sitting next a straight bro and Kurt Hummel comes sashaying on screen to deliver yet another song from Gypsy or Caberet, just turn to your left and give that boi a kiss. We all know the two of you would both rather be doing the deed than watching the show, so don’t pretend. He won’t either.

It’s quite simple, actually. Straight men don’t watch Glee. Or at the very least, they don’t admit it.