Tag Archives: Hobbies

…Swish

3 Jan

Okay, we’re well aware that this one will require quite a detailed lead in. I suppose we could provide a picture of what swishing is, but it’s so much more fun to imagine it yourself. You’ve all seen it, so put your imagination station caps on and let’s go.

What the fuck is a swish? Quite simple, it’s a kind of walk unique and highly identifiable to gay men. I would categorize it somewhere between a saunter and a sashay.

And it’s something that straight men don’t do.

You look like you’re doing kiegles and walking at the same time!

For years, straight men have been pinched in the shoulder by their grand mothers to fix their posture. When they move down the sidewalk, they do so in a necessitous fashion. Yes, I am fully aware that I am generalizing to the upteenth degree here, but come on. It’s my blog. I’ll do what I want.

If he walks like a fruit, give the guy a fucking banana.

We’ve all seen gay men walk down the hall or the sidewalk or past us on the street, #sunglasses drawn, #scarf a blow, Starbucks straw raised and poised. If he looks like he’s walking straight towards a midafternoon #circle jerk, chances are he probably is.

It is this walk that is famous among the gays and their most famously closeted str8 counterparts. It is this walk that Tyra Banks tries to teach a gaggle of awkward girls every season cycle of America’s Next Top Institutionalized Retard.

Don’t get us started on guys who swish at the #small dog park.

When I was in college, we used to spend hours and hours sitting in the quad and watching the str8 bois emerge from their closets and strut down the sidewalk. Ask me who I thought was a GIFY before I even talked to them and I assure you I was correct 80% of the time.

You see, the swish is unmistakable. It isn’t quite as exxxagerated as the saunter that most fire hazard gay men employ, but like the runway saunter, it does focus attention to the hips.

And sweetie pie, the hips don’t lie.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, str8 bros are always trying to attract the attention of other str8 bros. So is it a surprise that they’d walk this way?

I mean, have you seen the way #Ryan Seacrest waltzes around the Kodak theater towards hunks like David Cook and Amber Adam Lambert? His gay swish is only rivaled by his #boyfriend’s Shakira inspired glide.

We won’t pretend like we place 100% outing certainty on something as trivial as a walk. Why there are some gay men out there who stalk around like bulls in China shops. And likewise, there are some truly straight bros out there who have a little wiggle in their jiggle.

I’m not gay. I just walk like Kim Kardashian at a the Pro Bowl because of my scoliosis!

It may be the easiest on the list to spot, but be warned, it is also the easiest to mistake.

 

But in conjunction with other clues, one can ascertain a true swish. And when you see one, you’ll know.

So what do you when you spot a guy strutting it down the street with just a little bit too much movement in his midsection? You stop, stare, give him the once over while gingerly licking your lips, and then watch him double back and ask for your number. He knows you noticed. You know you know you noticed. He knows you know that you know that he noticed. And so forth and so on.

And with that folks, we welcome you to the new year by advising you to walk the walk… we’ll talk the talk in a later post.

P.S. We didn’t come across this until after our post was written, so excuse the sloppy add-on but bam! It’s scien-fucking-tific that the swish exists. See for yourselves and tell us we don’t speak truth.

…Garden

14 Nov

Hey there folks. We’re back from hiatus, and like internet-less phoenixes, we are rising from the ashes and once again borrowing free signal from our neighbors. Whoever said the gays aren’t crafty as shit?

Speaking of which, str8 bros love to craft. Whether it be knitting for our older str8 bros or painting watercolor paintings for our high str8 bros, there is something about making art with our hands that makes not-so-straight men giddy with glee.

And the number one craft project of all? Gardening.

Besides old single ladies and hipsters who wish they lived in Manhattan live in Brooklyn, the only demographic of people you’ll find gardening are #DTB in one way or another. Why, just the other weekend, we heard tell from a friend of mine whose friend of his just came out. The newly out baby-gay proceeded to make Rosemary Chicken and a spinach salad using fresh ingredients… from his garden.

Why is gardening such a gay task? Why, it involves spending hours in a full on squat position. We all know why you’re trying to work out those quads, and it isn’t because you’re going out for the #wrestling team.

You're never too old to come out. See this dinosaur finally giving in to his life's passion...

Yes, gardening is relaxing. It gives people with stressful lives something to do that they can control. But let’s be real. Knowledge of flowers is gay as shit. The only thing straight men know about flowers is when to call 1-800-Florist because they’ve fucked up.

Ladies, if he knows what a fresia looks like, he’s probably fucking Frank the Florist… puts a whole knew spin on those popped cherry blossoms he got you for forgetting Valentine’s day, huh?

Caveat: One must not confuse farming with gardening. With that said, one must not hit on a farmer anyway, so that confusion is moot at best.

Caveat redux: If he’s a Mexican (trust us, you’ll be able to tell), we would gather a few more clues before we automatically assume he’s DTB if we were you. Just saying.

So what do you do when you venture over to your local gardening annex and see a grown man bending over to get the good earth stuck between his finger nails? First, you ask yourself if this kind of person is worth it. Trust us. The closeted gardner has a lot of feelings and by god if he’s not willing to share them. He’ll think you’re best friends right off the bat because, SURPRISE, he’s probably never had a best friend. If you’re okay treading these introverted waters, then by all means. Proceed to step two.

This kind of guy is easily #flipped by something classy. Invite him to a wine and cheese night, and by the time he’s done telling you about his petunias, he’ll realize he’s the only other guest. You’ll have him flipped faster than he can prune a fucking rose.