Okay, we’re aware that this particular call-out is probably going to get filed under Wishful Thinking. And we’re a-okay with that. Because we can’t lie, Ian Somerhalder has been a permanent fixture in our wank banks since his first on screen male kiss with the artist formerly known as Dawson Leary back in ’02.
So why are we finally ready to call Ian out on his not-so-straight ways? Well, we’ll start circa 2002.
Now, we’re not saying that any guy who kisses a guy on screen is an automatic ‘mo. On the contrary. Plenty of straight bros make out with other dudes for the sake of the arts. Just ask Sean Penn. He won an entire Oscar for making out with str8 boi… yeah, we’re looking at you James Franco.
But anyone who’s seen Rules of Attraction knows that kiss was much more than a kiss. I mean, is there a wonder Dawson left the Creek shortly after that shit was filmed? Hello… he was heading to Fort Lauderdale, ready to turn his #man capris up and build sand castles on the fucking sand.
Then there’s the matter of his face. We’re not ready to admit there is a single straight man out there with skin that perfectly #tan and that wonderfully smooth. I mean, his complexion is flawless.
Is he borrowing skin care products from #Zac Efron? That’s for him to know and for us to wet dream about.
Yes, yes, there are a ton of guys out there that give us a similar #DTB vibe that turn out to be very straight in the long run. We are, however, willing to bet that even the straightest of those McFairies is willing to let us kiss the tip.
Your honor, I’d like to submit this into evidence. Where the fuck is his girlfriend? Someone that genetically gifted is rarely seen unattached. Even if he’s not the ‘marrying kind’, having a pretty girl in tow to balance his flawlessness is a must for a truly straight bro. Just ask George Clooney.
But because Ian is following in the footsteps of #Tom and not George, we’re just going to go ahead and stamp a rainbow across his back and get to plowing.
But there’s no evidence he’s DTB. Ya’ll are talking out of your asses!
To that we say… so the fuck what? We have a theory that has Ian’s name written all over it. It’s called the Congressman Scandal Theory.
Let’s break it down, shall we?
Every time a Congressman shoots from the mouth, igniting a gay media firestorm, said Congressman is usually outed a short time later. Why is this? Because homophobia is the biggest clue that someone is a homosexual. If he’s definitely a ‘phobe, he’s probably a ‘mo… take those odds to Vegas, sister.
And in 2002, Ian Somerhalder was the center of an Out Magazine shitfest, in which he said some mildly offensive things towards gay guys. And we all know that #magazines are the fucking Bible. (For the record, we thought his comments were really hot… but we’re also addicted to hitting on straight bros, so…).
Ian might not have been caught tapping away under a bathroom stall at Macy’s after that, but we’re willing to bet that wasn’t the last time he kissed a guy.
Umm… let’s not forget. The guy plays a vampire on television. I’ve never met an actor who plays a vampire who wasn’t a little bit gay… just saying.
Look, we’re not saying this seduction is going to be easy. It might take a #cocktail or two, but eventually you’ll be able to talk him into showing you just how James Van Der Beek used to do it… trust us. Go for the gusto with this guy, because he’s secretly dying to show you, probably because he’s SO not straight.