Look, we’re not here to out Ryan Seacrest. Not our goal. He’s been doing it for us since that first American Idol confetti shower back in 2001. Think we were watching Kelly Clarkson take the crown? On the contrary friends. We were watching Ryan grin like a #DTB go-go dancer in the middle of Pasadena’s Pride Parade.
Yes, folks, there are very few celebrities who have managed to pull the cashmere wool over everyone’s eyes like Ryan Seacrest, but we’re on to his little game.
But SMD, he has a girlfriend! Who dances for a living! There’s no greater jackpot for a str8 boi. Where else can he get an endless supply of glitter, tulle, and high heels to prance around in while she’s out at the spa? Have you been to a Dancing with the Stars cast party? Hello! We’re talking #cosmos and #flippable str8 bros galore. Hello Mark Ballas!
The only thing gayer than being a dancer, is bearding one.
Never mind that Ryan is one of the most powerful faces in showbiz; let’s focus on the fact that his face is as perfectly sculpted as Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Think he had that when he was slumming it with Brian Dunkleman under the American Idol bleachers? We’ve been to a talent show, Ryan. We know what goes on under there. Oh hell no. Ryan learned very quickly that if he was going to get any action in West Hollywood, he’d need to upgrade the gams, and girlfriend did so!
Still not sure? Take this on for size. Ryan Secreast makes his living running E! Entertainment. Ask any str8 boi what his dream job is, and it would include celeb gossip, copious amounts of fashion, and getting to watch dailies of Keeping Up with the Kardashians all day long. Homeboy even scored an invite to the wedding! Zing!
Straight men don’t go to Kim Kardashian’s wedding.
So, Ryan, we give you full props for flying under the radar this long. We’ll even go as far as to say congrats to Julianne Hough for landing herself a primo GBFF (Gay BFF). But we all know when he’s holding her in his arms, he’s actually thinking about the other Hough… Derek.