Tag Archives: Kardashians

Kris Humphries… He’s So Not Straight

7 Dec

Hi there folks. We were doing a bit of research for our next outing, and it came down to Kris Kardashian Humphries and Macaulay Culkin. We decided we would hold off on calling out Macaulay because he’s such a no brainer, outing him made our heads hurt.

Kris Humpries on the other hand isn’t quite as obvious.

Duhzies… he married Kim Kardashian for like five minutes. He can’t be gay… right?

Wrong!

Let’s see what one of our #Bibles has to say about his homosexuality… a cover picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

The proof is in the fucking pudding. It's a wife's intuition.

Let’s dissect the clues, shall we?

First and foremost, there’s his close proximity to #The Kardashian mafia. We all know that straight men would rather stick unlubricated q-tips down their urethra than keep up with even a single Kardashian (with the exception of possibly Kendall). Keeping up with that shit is a str8 bro’s prerogative, and a truly straight man wants no part of it.

Kris, however, has been keeping up with that shit since the day he bought his first pair of #shades. Why else would he fill out the application on E! to marry Kim? Hello! He wanted in, without having to stick it in.

Seriously, if you think that wedding was anything less than a grade A sham, you are seriously delush (that’s #abbrev for delusional in case you missed your last fag lesson).

Let’s not even start on the spelling of his name. Everyone knows that Kris is a gay man’s Chris. What the fuck is Kris even short for? Kristina, that’s what.

My name is Toni.. with an I… bitch, that’s so not straight.

Let’s talk about the boy’s nature now. It’s one thing to want #Ryan Seacrest for a boss, but we saw the look K-Hump gave that wiley social climber during his vows. He might have been talking to Kim, but we all know who those words were directed towards.

Let’s talk about the moment we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that homeboy was a big fat homo. It was when we were doing what other str8 bros do on Sunday night- watching KUWTK- and saw Khump shaving Scott’s armpits. Come on folks.There is no greater red flag that the guy is #DTB than watching him shave another man. It’s the armpits today; it’s the pubes tomorrow. By next week, the two of them will be bleaching each other’s assholes and picking spinach from each other’s teeth.

I’m the biggest proponent of calling a spade a spade, and Kris’s spade has a big fat fruit drawn on it. If it wasn’t for the goofy Frankenstein face, we’d be glad to welcome him on the list. We just can’t get over that furrowed brow.

But if he’s your not-so-straight cup of tea, we say climb that tall mulatto tree and hop on. If he can shave a man’s chest, he can definitely let a man #KTT.

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Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?