Tag Archives: News

Anderson Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

22 Sep

In the past, we’ve been accused of ‘fairy fantastical’ speculation regarding some of the guys we feel are so not straight. Guess the fuck what? We don’t give a rat’s smoking behind.

But we will dial it down this time and attempt to out someone who’s two shakes away from being outed anyway.

Andy Cooper, we’re talking to you, stud. 

Anderson Cooper

Yeah, we'd hit that.

Why this silver fox hasn’t come out of the closet is beyond us. He more than has job security with Anderson Cooper 360. Who else is going to anchor a show titled ANDERSON COOPER 360? And even with that bomb of a daytime talk show, CNN would be be crazy to fire him for coming out. They’d lose ever single gay who cares about the news. That’s like seven or eight viewers right there.

Not only are we 99.9 percent sure that Anderson swings #Tim Gunn’s way, we’re prepared to skip #flippable and go ahead and declare AC360 full on #DTB. Bold move, you say? We’ve done it before. And before. And before that too. Come to think of it, we’re on a roll.

We knew Ricky Martin was gay before Ricky Martin knew that Ricky Martin was gay.

What makes us so sure? Besides the fact that Anderson tips the scale so far passed metro with his perfectly coiffed hair and smooth as alabaster skin, that has never seen a #tanning bed, mind you, the facts speak for themselves.

He’s old and unwed. He puts a new meaning to the single uncle postulate, and you know what? We like it. I bet you anything he’s having lunch at the Ivy as we speak with Stanley Tucci and at least two of the four hands at that table are under the white tablecloth. Just saying.

But mommy, why isn’t Uncle Anderson married? And why does he always come over with Uncle Stanley? And why do they use the bathroom at the same time?

Need further proof? Cue his fruit bat, Kathy Fucking Griffin. Is there a better partner in homosexual crime than THE Kathy Griffin? We think not. First of all, we’re ready to declare that straight men don’t go to Kathy shows, let alone HOST shows with her. The way she makes him blush every New Year’s makes us blush for him.

Anderson Cooper Gay Boyfriend

Biking Buddies or Butt Buddies? You be the judge.

Just for good measure, let me remind you that he’s an outspoken fan of The Real Housewives franchise (specifically BH and Atlanta). Umm… hello. It doesn’t take a genius to know that straight men are careful what they #watch, and that Bravo is not part of their DVR schedule. Just saying.

Still not convinced he’s a total mo? Check out the video of him giggling like a school child. Now we would never go on record saying that gay men are more giggly than straight men, but come on. Don’t be ridiculist. It’s almost scientifically proven that gay men are indeed more giggly than straight men.

Look, folks. We’ve called out several famous men on this blog, including #royalty. But we’ve never called out a fucking Vanderbilt. But are we worried that he comes from the third most powerful American Dynasty after the Kennedy’s and the Smiths of Willow and Jaden Smith?

Fuck no!

Because the truth is the ultimate defense against libel. And we’re pretty solidly sure that Anderson Cooper being a raging ‘mo is the God’s honest truth.

 

…Vomit

22 Sep

Vom? You’re asking. Everyone vomits. It’s a human nature thing to do. Everyone has that drunken night on Spring Break where they’ve been overserved and wind up passing out on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet. Right?

WRONG.

Yes, yes, everyone vomits. It’s a medical fact. Ever have the stomach flu much? But it is a societal fact that losing your lunch (or lack thereof) due to alcohol poisoning is a sorority girl’s prerogative that your average straight man doesn’t get much leeway for.

We said much leeway, so calm the fuck down. Because we can’t discount the fact that everyone has that bad night or two freshman year, or during initiation, or in Myrtle Beach, or what have you, we’re implementing the three strikes and you’re out of the closet policy.

This is a big step for us. We’re used to speaking in absolutes.

So what does it say about a guy that is a habitual Friday night thrower upper? Well, it doesn’t say his sushi was fucking bad for the fourth weekend in a row.

The fundamental reason why people throw up is because they take too many drinks in a short amount of time. For a girl, accomplishing this is rather easy. Be hot. For str8 bois, the situation is almost the same. Be hot and in your underwear. Straight bros, not so much.

No one is buying a straight bro a drink unless his girlfriend just got pregnant or it’s his mother fucking birthday. Bachelor parties are a free pass, as well they should be on pretty much any rule. (If he doesn’t let you kiss the tip the night before he gets married, chances are you won’t get to kiss it ever). Everyone is a little gay without necessarily being gay at their bachelor party.

It’s also pretty hard to throw up on beer unless you’re taking straight pulls from the pitcher by yourself with no one around. It’s easier to lose track of your buzz on liquors, which is why #cosmo slinging gays and girls are given the a-okay to vomit away. But we all know that straight bros don’t drink cocktails, right….?

Is it a double standard? Yes.

Do we give a shit? Um… fuck no.

Drunk Man Throwing Up

This guy clearly needs a friend. Just pretend he isn't wearing a corduroy blazer...

So what do you do if you see a guy vomiting in the bathroom while you’re trying to take a leak? First, go leak outside. You’re still a man. You’ve earned this right. If it’s his first offense, get the guy some water and call it a night.

If, however, he’s known to be the chronic vomitter, stay up with him, hold his hair, and when he’s all done, nurse him to health with a little TLC. We say turn it to some late night Showtime, or better yet, pop #Risky Business into the DVD player and watch him squirm. If you can’t #flip him now, you don’t deserve to hold a spatula.

The big key here is to be there for him. Ask him why he always feels the need to drink to the point of oblivion. Are you hiding something from your bros? You can tell me… I won’t say anything… wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Spit or swallow? Before you know it, you’ll be wiping the upchuck off his chin and going in for the handy J with a side of last-meal.

Good fucking luck.

…Know Designers

19 Sep

This should be a no brainer. Not only did Elle Woods win a pretty big murder case based on this theory, but it’s common fucking knowledge that designer clothes are the only things a gay man commits to memory.

Wait, what was his name? The guy I made out with who was wearing the 7 for all Mankind jeans and the Guess shirt? Oh yeah, him!

In case you were wondering, that was an actual conversation.

See, while straight bros were in school learning things, the gays were sitting in the back, #man capris crossed, and flipping through Vogue magazine to see if stripes or floral prints were making a comeback. Fact. It’s the only education we needed.

Florals? For Spring? Groundbreaking.

Gay Men Know Designers. Straight Men Dont

Feeling the new Miu Miu collection? Chances are you can be persuaded to feel something else too...

Even the casual fashion fiend knows the big names. Oscar de la Renta, Fendi, Tom Ford, Gucci, Karl Lagerfeld, the late, great Alexander McQueen and that little, lovely, dangerously #tan antisemite that we too are currently boycotting. If you can name more than two of these fashion houses, there’s a 100 percent chance that you are #so not straight.

With Fashion Week ending, it struck us that this rule is pretty much hard and fast. We’re not saying all gays are fashion addicts, but let’s be honest, style is one of our defining characteristics. So naturally a fruit-in-training would turn to his more stylish examples of how to dress and behave.

Don’t even get us started on guys who watch Project Runway sans girlfriend.

Like any rule, however, there are those caveats we cannot ignore. Not every single stylish man out there will let you kiss the tip. On the contrary. Places like J. Crew and Brooks Brothers have made a killing catering to the heterosexual bloke who would otherwise be wearing cargo pants and Ed Hardy all year round. We cringe at the thought. We thank you for that, J.Crew and BB.

Side note: You shouldn’t be hitting on anyone in Ed Hardy anyway, gay or straight. It’s just a no… a real flaccid, pencil dick no.

So what do you do when you see a man dressed head to toe in this year’s couture? Unfortunately, this is a trickier one than most. While most overt ‘mos (and we’re talking real fire hazards here), will be easy to spot, the more metro the world becomes, the more blurrier the lines get.

The first thing to do is not to panic. Just because he’s wearing the brand new Marc Jacobs trench with a Burberry scarf doesn’t necessarily mean he’s #DTB. But this kind of guy gets asked if he’s gay a lot, so there’s no shame in making a strong approach. Just be prepared to be let down gently, and unpleasantly surprised.

But don’t ever give up on this guy! Getting asked enough has probably put the thought into his mind… maybe I will let Toni with an I kiss the tip one of these days.

Who knows. He  might claim he’s straight, but after a #cosmo or two, he’s shedding those designer duds and you’re taking him straight to bed.

Prince Harry… He’s SO Not Straight

18 Sep

We here at Straight Men Don’t won’t hesitate to call out anyone… except members of the Royal family. And anyone with a relation to the Kennedys. But this one is such a no-brainer, that we no longer give a flying fuck. We’re braking our only rule.

We’re sorry Prince Harry, but your number is up. We’re on to you, and we finally have scientific proof that you’re so not straight.

No, we don’t think you’re gay simply because you’re the cuter Prince. Get over yourself, goodbye!

There are several reasons why Prince Harry, who just celebrated his twenty-seventh birthday last week, is on our list of celebrities who have successfully fooled the world into thinking they’re straight. Like the likes of #Zac Efron and #Tom Cruise, accusing Prince Harry of being straight will result in an uproar from naive girls.

Prince Harry Gay

Do we even need to comment? A picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

No he’s not! He’s just British. You gay guys think everyone who’s cute is gay. No fair.

And so forth and so on.

We admit, we’ve had our fair share of false alarms purely because our wank bank got too full and we were willing someone to be gay, but this is a totally different case.

First, there IS the fact that he’s European. Um. Hello! Science shows us that Europeans have a much higher likelihood of being gay than Americans. It’s just the way it. Possibly because of the lack of fluoride in the water or some such chemical shit. Either way, they didn’t write an entire musical number about it in Legally Blonde the Musical because it WASN’T a valid theory. Thank you.

Then there’s the boy’s nature. He’s always been slightly limp in the wrist to us. Very giggly, even during his brother’s super serious nuptials, where he was more than likely critiquing Pippa’s dress than actually checking out his super hot sister-in-law. Is that Vera Wang or Oscar de la Renta? Either way, straight men don’t do #designers.

Sidenote… any straight bro we know would have already hit that, no questions asked. Brothers dating sisters is such a Euro-chic thing to do.

Finally, all speculation aside, there’s super serious scientific proof that the second son of Lady Di and that ugly fellow is definitely #DTB (No we don’t have pictures of him wearing #Man Capris or coming out of a #tanning booth, but how royal would that be?!?!)

Prince Harry

Check out my royal higness, Ladies... and Gentleman.

Our evidence comes from a little something called the fraternal birth order effect. Never heard of it?

Here’s the skinny: It states that the more older brothers a guy has from the same mom, the higher the chances the younger one is gay. Um… hello! Raise your have if you’re a total ‘mo with an older brother? Everyone in the room? Exactly.

We don’t usually read science or news, but we couldn’t help but take pause when we ran across this theory. It’s validated by ABC news, Time magazine, and most importantly Wikipedia. They all say the exact same thing. You’re gay because your older brother isn’t.

And Prince Harry, that’s the only proof we need. Well that and the fact that you’re as cute as a button AND fulfill our military fantasy quota as well. Don’t worry: we won’t ask, and when we’re done, we won’t tell.

So if you ever find yourself in close quarters with the Prince, first of all, count your lucky fucking stars. Shake off your nerves and throw the proposal out there. I mean, come on. He’s probably just drunk enough off #Pimm’s Cup Cosmos to take your pass seriously. Play hard to get, Kate Middleton style, and count down until you too get that royal fucking wedding… who the hell knows? Maybe Sir Elton John will sing you down the aisle… dream come fucking true!

…Read US Weekly

17 Sep

Look, we’re all about equal rights here at Straight Men Don’t. We would never suggest an activity is strictly for one gender or sexual orientation. See our caveat on #tanning.

Us Weekly Mary Kate Olsen

By far our favorite issue of The Bible. We love you MKO!

However, it is historically proven that the magazine was invented for bored socialite women who got pleasure by reading about other people’s mishaps. Hence, the magazine was born. (We’re aware that before that, scholars used to write down their super smart thoughts and send them out to their other super smart friends, tabloid style… but we’re going to file those under Almanacs. We doubt Benji Franklin told the Continental Congress to hold on while he referenced his international magazine…)

Fast forward to 2011, and bored women have included gay men in their magazine hoarding culture. There are a plethora of glossy gossip rags waiting to dish on the latest celebrity dirt. Not a fan of reading? Have no fear. E! has an entire CHANNEL devoted to magazine-ing… hosted by none other than #Ryan Fucking Seacrest.

What is it about magazines that gay men love and that a straight man wouldn’t appreciate? First of all, magazines are super shiny, and gay men love all things shiny. Secondly, gay men love talking shit about people, and that’s all a magazine is. If we had a dollar for every time US Weekly talked shit about #Tom Cruise and his addiction to Scientology, we wouldn’t be investigating Google Adsense on our other browser window.

US Weekly is like the fucking Bible to gay men. It’s glossy, gossipy, fun to read, and has pictures of celebs dressed in fugly outfits. They also make outlandish claims about celebs that can’t possibly be verified (yes, that IS #Zac Efron spotted leaving an all-male strip club… NOT!). In short, it’s amazing.

Gay men love other magazines as well. Stacked under our bed is every back issue of Vogue since we watched read The Devil Wears Prada. In case you’re slow, #straight men don’t read Vogue.

Tom Cruise Vanity Fair

We keep this one under our mattress...

What do straight men read, you ask? For our truly straight bros who can’t be bothered with opening a book, they sift through boring fair like The New Yorker, The Economist or Sports fucking Illustrated. (Side note: some deeply closeted str8 bois will stack their coffee table up with Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition just to throw people off. Don’t be fooled).

For the last time, no one READS Playboy for the articles…

The only magazine we consider to be a stumper is Vanity Fair. Many a straight bro seek it’s pages for unbridled culture. Some just like the occasionally racy covers. We call that one a toss-up.

So if you’re stalking a straight bro you swear is #flippable, just head on over to his bathroom and check out the stacks he has next to his toilet. There’s no surer sign that a dude is #DTB than a casually placed Cosmopolitan lying around next to his pooper.

The bonus of snagging a str8 bro that reads Cosmo? As of September 2010, he knows 101 ways to elongate your pleasure using only the palm of his hands and an ice cube. Jackpot!

Tom Cruise… He’s So Not Straight

17 Sep
Tom Cruise

"Oh, that Will Smith guy is so hot... I wonder if he's a down to bend just like I am..."

There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?

But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tomright?

WRONG!

There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!

Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!

Tom Cruise

Exhibit 596: Straight men don't musical. Need we say more?

Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.

Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.

Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from The Bible US Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.

Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!

As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.

We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.