Tag Archives: Ryan Seacrest

…Swish

3 Jan

Okay, we’re well aware that this one will require quite a detailed lead in. I suppose we could provide a picture of what swishing is, but it’s so much more fun to imagine it yourself. You’ve all seen it, so put your imagination station caps on and let’s go.

What the fuck is a swish? Quite simple, it’s a kind of walk unique and highly identifiable to gay men. I would categorize it somewhere between a saunter and a sashay.

And it’s something that straight men don’t do.

You look like you’re doing kiegles and walking at the same time!

For years, straight men have been pinched in the shoulder by their grand mothers to fix their posture. When they move down the sidewalk, they do so in a necessitous fashion. Yes, I am fully aware that I am generalizing to the upteenth degree here, but come on. It’s my blog. I’ll do what I want.

If he walks like a fruit, give the guy a fucking banana.

We’ve all seen gay men walk down the hall or the sidewalk or past us on the street, #sunglasses drawn, #scarf a blow, Starbucks straw raised and poised. If he looks like he’s walking straight towards a midafternoon #circle jerk, chances are he probably is.

It is this walk that is famous among the gays and their most famously closeted str8 counterparts. It is this walk that Tyra Banks tries to teach a gaggle of awkward girls every season cycle of America’s Next Top Institutionalized Retard.

Don’t get us started on guys who swish at the #small dog park.

When I was in college, we used to spend hours and hours sitting in the quad and watching the str8 bois emerge from their closets and strut down the sidewalk. Ask me who I thought was a GIFY before I even talked to them and I assure you I was correct 80% of the time.

You see, the swish is unmistakable. It isn’t quite as exxxagerated as the saunter that most fire hazard gay men employ, but like the runway saunter, it does focus attention to the hips.

And sweetie pie, the hips don’t lie.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, str8 bros are always trying to attract the attention of other str8 bros. So is it a surprise that they’d walk this way?

I mean, have you seen the way #Ryan Seacrest waltzes around the Kodak theater towards hunks like David Cook and Amber Adam Lambert? His gay swish is only rivaled by his #boyfriend’s Shakira inspired glide.

We won’t pretend like we place 100% outing certainty on something as trivial as a walk. Why there are some gay men out there who stalk around like bulls in China shops. And likewise, there are some truly straight bros out there who have a little wiggle in their jiggle.

I’m not gay. I just walk like Kim Kardashian at a the Pro Bowl because of my scoliosis!

It may be the easiest on the list to spot, but be warned, it is also the easiest to mistake.

 

But in conjunction with other clues, one can ascertain a true swish. And when you see one, you’ll know.

So what do you when you spot a guy strutting it down the street with just a little bit too much movement in his midsection? You stop, stare, give him the once over while gingerly licking your lips, and then watch him double back and ask for your number. He knows you noticed. You know you know you noticed. He knows you know that you know that he noticed. And so forth and so on.

And with that folks, we welcome you to the new year by advising you to walk the walk… we’ll talk the talk in a later post.

P.S. We didn’t come across this until after our post was written, so excuse the sloppy add-on but bam! It’s scien-fucking-tific that the swish exists. See for yourselves and tell us we don’t speak truth.

…Wear Scarves

10 Dec

I look so masculine... from the neck up.

As this winter rages on, with snow in December threatening to fade our fall #tans before the new year even hits, men of all shapes and sizes are taking drastic measures to stay warm. Why, just the other day, I counted sixteen wrapped scarves on the necks of men who, all things considered, I would have pegged for straight.

Not anymore.

We here at SMD don’t give a shit how cold it is outside. Wearing scarves has always been a ‘mo-ish thing, since the first gay caveman killed his very first kashmir goat in the heights of the Himalayas and wrapped that bitch’s pelt around his neck. Don’t believe us? Research that shit.

The scarf is right up there with the #sunglass as a totally two-sided accessory. Sure it has it’s uses. Sure it wards off your chances of pnuemonia or the flu or some such disgusting illness. Sure it keeps your body temp regulated while the weather outside is frightful.

Oh, doll, your pashmina is so delightful!

But at the very end of the day, wrapping that scarf into a classic Four-in-Hand is something only str8 bros would be caught doing. True straight men would rather freeze to death. Trust us, we’ve seen it.

Why is the scarf such a fruity pebble?

Despite what the Gap tells metro guys (or PC for Gay In Five Years, but more on that later), there is no masculine way to wear a scarf. It’s like slipping a broach onto your suit lapel. What the fuck are you doing?

Scarves dangle in a way that is decidedly feminine, no matter how low brow the color or unassuming the design. Even a simple black knit scarf carries with it an air of homosexuality. There’s really nothing you can do about it.

Think about the kind of guys that wear neck pieces with reckless abandon. Euro-fucking-peans. We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times. Don’t make us bust out the jingle…

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

The French started this thing, and gays the world over bought into it. Is it our fault? No… blame it on our Francophilia. Since then, men in England, Germany, Italy, and Brazil have made it a mainstay in fashion, where it belongs.

Not around the necks of bros trying to pass themselves off as straight. But because the scarf is making its way into society, it’s the easiest way to come out to other str8 bros without coming out to your truly straight friends. Sure they’ll ask why the fuck you’re tying your grandma’s doily around your neck. You’ll respond with something quippy like how warm it keeps you. When you finally make it to the bar, you’ll spot the other lone gay in the next group and you two will hit it off.

You: Where’d you get your scarf from?

Him: J. Crew. Want to feel.

You: Sure… in the bathroom. Don’t tell my bros, but I’m totally #DTB.

And that’s how it happens.

Is anyone surprised to see Hollywood's most powerful str8 boi sporting the latest craze in fashion? Hellz no.

Fellows, on your quest to find a straight bro and bag him quickly, look for the subtle clues. Straight men don’t wear scarves, at least not in public. So if you spot a hottie sporting a half-bow, hop on that shit as quickly as possible. A scarf this season means he’s probably coming out soon. And you know what that means…

Come summer, he’ll be slipping into a brand new pair of grade-A #man capris.

**Warning: We know we have a lot of female readers (and by a lot, we mean half a dozen). Ladies, do not buy your man a scarf for #Christmas. It’s almost like you’re begging for him to get harassed by your GBFF, Tony. And if we know straight bros, we know that he can only say “Dude, I’m not gay” so many times before he asks himself what the big deal is…

Kris Humphries… He’s So Not Straight

7 Dec

Hi there folks. We were doing a bit of research for our next outing, and it came down to Kris Kardashian Humphries and Macaulay Culkin. We decided we would hold off on calling out Macaulay because he’s such a no brainer, outing him made our heads hurt.

Kris Humpries on the other hand isn’t quite as obvious.

Duhzies… he married Kim Kardashian for like five minutes. He can’t be gay… right?

Wrong!

Let’s see what one of our #Bibles has to say about his homosexuality… a cover picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

The proof is in the fucking pudding. It's a wife's intuition.

Let’s dissect the clues, shall we?

First and foremost, there’s his close proximity to #The Kardashian mafia. We all know that straight men would rather stick unlubricated q-tips down their urethra than keep up with even a single Kardashian (with the exception of possibly Kendall). Keeping up with that shit is a str8 bro’s prerogative, and a truly straight man wants no part of it.

Kris, however, has been keeping up with that shit since the day he bought his first pair of #shades. Why else would he fill out the application on E! to marry Kim? Hello! He wanted in, without having to stick it in.

Seriously, if you think that wedding was anything less than a grade A sham, you are seriously delush (that’s #abbrev for delusional in case you missed your last fag lesson).

Let’s not even start on the spelling of his name. Everyone knows that Kris is a gay man’s Chris. What the fuck is Kris even short for? Kristina, that’s what.

My name is Toni.. with an I… bitch, that’s so not straight.

Let’s talk about the boy’s nature now. It’s one thing to want #Ryan Seacrest for a boss, but we saw the look K-Hump gave that wiley social climber during his vows. He might have been talking to Kim, but we all know who those words were directed towards.

Let’s talk about the moment we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that homeboy was a big fat homo. It was when we were doing what other str8 bros do on Sunday night- watching KUWTK- and saw Khump shaving Scott’s armpits. Come on folks.There is no greater red flag that the guy is #DTB than watching him shave another man. It’s the armpits today; it’s the pubes tomorrow. By next week, the two of them will be bleaching each other’s assholes and picking spinach from each other’s teeth.

I’m the biggest proponent of calling a spade a spade, and Kris’s spade has a big fat fruit drawn on it. If it wasn’t for the goofy Frankenstein face, we’d be glad to welcome him on the list. We just can’t get over that furrowed brow.

But if he’s your not-so-straight cup of tea, we say climb that tall mulatto tree and hop on. If he can shave a man’s chest, he can definitely let a man #KTT.

Derek Hough… He’s So Not Straight

16 Nov

We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

Of course he’s gay! He’s BFF with #Ryan Seacrest for crying out loud!

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

Cheryl, if we stand close enough together, they'll never know I'm wearing your truBlend base.

“Well how did Alexander do it?”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

Ryan Seacrest… He’s SO Not Straight

14 Sep

Look, we’re not here to out Ryan Seacrest. Not our goal. He’s been doing it for us since that first American Idol confetti shower back in 2001. Think we were watching Kelly Clarkson take the crown? On the contrary friends. We were watching Ryan grin like a #DTB go-go dancer in the middle of Pasadena’s Pride Parade.

Ryan: Honey, you know what I love most about you? Julianne: I can put my leg behind my ear? Ryan: No...You look just your brother!

Yes, folks, there are very few celebrities who have managed to pull the cashmere wool over everyone’s eyes like Ryan Seacrest, but we’re on to his little game.

But SMD, he has a girlfriend! Who dances for a living! There’s no greater jackpot for a str8 boi. Where else can he get an endless supply of glitter, tulle, and high heels to prance around in while she’s out at the spa? Have you been to a Dancing with the Stars cast party? Hello! We’re talking #cosmos and #flippable str8 bros galore. Hello Mark Ballas!

The only thing gayer than being a dancer, is bearding one.

Never mind that Ryan is one of the most powerful faces in showbiz; let’s focus on the fact that his face is as perfectly sculpted as Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Think he had that when he was slumming it with Brian Dunkleman under the American Idol bleachers? We’ve been to a talent show, Ryan. We know what goes on under there. Oh hell no. Ryan learned very quickly that if he was going to get any action in West Hollywood, he’d need to upgrade the gams, and girlfriend did so!

Still not sure? Take this on for size. Ryan Secreast makes his living running E! Entertainment. Ask any str8 boi what his dream job is, and it would include celeb gossip, copious amounts of fashion, and getting to watch dailies of Keeping Up with the Kardashians all day long. Homeboy even scored an invite to the wedding! Zing!

Straight men don’t go to Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

So, Ryan, we give you full props for flying under the radar this long. We’ll even go as far as to say congrats to Julianne Hough for landing herself a primo GBFF (Gay BFF). But we all know when he’s holding her in his arms, he’s actually thinking about the other Hough… Derek.

Zac Efron… He’s So Not Straight

13 Sep

Fedora? Perfect Skin? Sun Kissed Tan? The only thing straight about this High School Musical-er is his perfectly coiffed hair.

There are a few celebrities that walk that ambiguous line between #straight and str8, and we all know str8 means he’s so not straight. Who is the Queen straight not straight man? Zac Fucking Efron.

Zac Efron is the straightest not straight man we know. The only thing straight about him is his hair texture, and that’s thanks to dollops and dollops of product, courtesy of ex-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens. In fact, when they broke up, he probably raided her product drawer and took a year’s supply of Garnier Fructise with him…

Straight men don’t use Garnier Fructise.

Ladies, if you’re still into Zac Efron, back the fuck up. He is so #DTB it isn’t even funny. Vanessa Hudgens couldn’t even get him up with some full frontal sexting, and we all know that bitch tried.

Just being Zac Efron violates at least a dozen things that straight men don’t do. They sure as hell don’t wear #man capris. Straight men don’t star in #musicals about high school. The only fucking straight man we’ve ever seen in a musical was Hugh Jackman, and the jury is still out on his high kicks.

Need we keep going? When was the last time you saw a straight man leaving Target with perfectly coiffed hair and a deep rich sunless tan? What was that? #Ryan Seacrest? Exactly. Straight men don’t tan on purpose. They get their tans from playing touch football shirtless on frat lawns. #Tanning booths? Straight men don’t, and we bet you anything Zac Efron is down to tan in a booth.

So the next time you find yourself on a couch watching #Grey’s Anatomy with Zac Efron, scoot on over, hand him another #vodka cran and remind yourself that he’s SO not straight.