We here at Straight Men Don’t won’t hesitate to call out anyone… except members of the Royal family. And anyone with a relation to the Kennedys. But this one is such a no-brainer, that we no longer give a flying fuck. We’re braking our only rule.
We’re sorry Prince Harry, but your number is up. We’re on to you, and we finally have scientific proof that you’re so not straight.
No, we don’t think you’re gay simply because you’re the cuter Prince. Get over yourself, goodbye!
There are several reasons why Prince Harry, who just celebrated his twenty-seventh birthday last week, is on our list of celebrities who have successfully fooled the world into thinking they’re straight. Like the likes of #Zac Efron and #Tom Cruise, accusing Prince Harry of being straight will result in an uproar from naive girls.
No he’s not! He’s just British. You gay guys think everyone who’s cute is gay. No fair.
And so forth and so on.
We admit, we’ve had our fair share of false alarms purely because our wank bank got too full and we were willing someone to be gay, but this is a totally different case.
First, there IS the fact that he’s European. Um. Hello! Science shows us that Europeans have a much higher likelihood of being gay than Americans. It’s just the way it. Possibly because of the lack of fluoride in the water or some such chemical shit. Either way, they didn’t write an entire musical number about it in Legally Blonde the Musical because it WASN’T a valid theory. Thank you.
Then there’s the boy’s nature. He’s always been slightly limp in the wrist to us. Very giggly, even during his brother’s super serious nuptials, where he was more than likely critiquing Pippa’s dress than actually checking out his super hot sister-in-law. Is that Vera Wang or Oscar de la Renta? Either way, straight men don’t do #designers.
Sidenote… any straight bro we know would have already hit that, no questions asked. Brothers dating sisters is such a Euro-chic thing to do.
Finally, all speculation aside, there’s super serious scientific proof that the second son of Lady Di and that ugly fellow is definitely #DTB (No we don’t have pictures of him wearing #Man Capris or coming out of a #tanning booth, but how royal would that be?!?!)
Our evidence comes from a little something called the fraternal birth order effect. Never heard of it?
Here’s the skinny: It states that the more older brothers a guy has from the same mom, the higher the chances the younger one is gay. Um… hello! Raise your have if you’re a total ‘mo with an older brother? Everyone in the room? Exactly.
We don’t usually read science or news, but we couldn’t help but take pause when we ran across this theory. It’s validated by ABC news, Time magazine, and most importantly Wikipedia. They all say the exact same thing. You’re gay because your older brother isn’t.
And Prince Harry, that’s the only proof we need. Well that and the fact that you’re as cute as a button AND fulfill our military fantasy quota as well. Don’t worry: we won’t ask, and when we’re done, we won’t tell.
So if you ever find yourself in close quarters with the Prince, first of all, count your lucky fucking stars. Shake off your nerves and throw the proposal out there. I mean, come on. He’s probably just drunk enough off #Pimm’s Cup Cosmos to take your pass seriously. Play hard to get, Kate Middleton style, and count down until you too get that royal fucking wedding… who the hell knows? Maybe Sir Elton John will sing you down the aisle… dream come fucking true!