Tag Archives: Sports

…Wrestle

5 Oct

Okay. We know we’re narrowing the sports field down with some of these posts. But like we’ve always said, caveats exist in the world of Straight Men Don’t, so if you’re a wrestler, go rub some anti-herpes simplex two medication on your chest, and stop getting your uni in a pinch.

Some people call this practice. We call it fucking foreplay.

There are a million reasons why wrestling tops our list of sports that straight men don’t do. First and foremost, anyone who’s seen a wrestling match knows that the technique employed to bring your partner down is the same technique I employ when I want to make my partner come.

I’m not trying to be vulgar. I’m simply trying to be real.

Simulating gay sex is something the ancient Greeks loved to do. It allowed them to have gay sex without necessarily getting stoned by the magistrate. All in the name of sport. Win, fucking win.

It’s not gay! It’s just horseplay!

How this practice survived to the current century (we can never remember which one it is, to be honest), we have no clue. But it’s here, they’re queer, and we like it.

Aside from the fact that wrestling is pretty much gay sex with lycra on, there’s the small thing called the wrestler’s bone. We’ve all seen it. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine sent me a few NSFW .gifs with several wrestler’s bones dangling about. Needless to say, I hurriedly took my fifteen minute break in the stock room.

It’s inevitable. Every wrestler will tell you that it’s natural to pop a boner when someone is rubbing up against you so aggressively. It’s human nature.

WRONG.

It’s gay nature. It’s bad enough you put yourself in a situation where you had to be groped and prodded by men, but then your basic biology betrayed you as well. Straight men don’t let their biology betray them. Ever.

Pinned ya! Pinned ya again!

The only thing a straight bro wants to wrestle is a girl’s bra strap. Fact.

But much like several other things on this list, wrestling provides with a little bit of an enigma. You see, the sport itself, although layered in gay symbolism, is very very masculine. Which is why wrestlers are the trifecta for boys trying to get a #flippable notch on their belt.

You’d never know a wrestler was gay just by looking at him. It’s only when he’s pinned to the ground for six seconds with a hard on peeking out of his unitard that you say to yourself… hmm… I wonder if he’s #DTB.

Our advice? Stalk your local school’s wrestling team and suss out the one that A. Doesn’t have wrestler’s herpes, and B. Has #Ke$ha on his warm up tape. Invite him over one night, serve him a couple of #cocktails, and then ask him to show you some of his moves. You’ll have pinned to the bed in one, two, three!

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…Cheerlead

20 Sep
Male cheerleaders are probably gay

Him: I'm gonna get so much snatch after this game, I can already smell it! Her: I hope this fruit bucket doesn't fucking drop me.

So folks, we’re not completely sure that ‘cheerlead’ is a word. We’re going to assume it’s the root word for ‘cheerleader’, but who the hell knows? While my English teacher was busy teaching the exceptions to conjugation, I was in the back whispering things like “just let it happen” to guys like the Junior Varsity Quarterback.

But enough of my history lesson. Let’s talk about the one and only profession that has been barred from a straight man’s list of “what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

Male cheerleading.

This is the deal. I almost hesitate to bring this up, because if you’re hitting on male cheerleaders, you are clearly NOT interested in bringing home a straight bro. You may as well hop on over to the LGBTQ resource center and take a sit down in the lobby, because you’re after a flame thrower and you know it.

There’s nothing subtle about the male cheerleader. Everyone on campus knows he’s as gay as the day is long. And yet, for some reason, there is always the ONE guy who claims he’s straight.

You’ve heard his reasons.

“Cheerleading is a great workout. It’s actually the most dangerous sport in America.”

To this you say… sport? Seriously? What’s next… competitive knitting!

He might also say something like this.

Dude, I get so much box being the only straight guy on the squad. Come on.

If by box, you mean dick, and by straight you mean str8 #DTB, then yes. We’ll believe you.

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Why can’t a straight bro perform his lifts and still be considered straight? There are certain things that cheerleaders deem fundamental that go firmly against a straight bro’s code of ethics. For example, #tanning is a prerequisite to cheering. Why do you think Edward Cullen never made the squad? Cheerleaders also peruse #US Weekly on the weekly because gossip is the number one topic at cheer practice (and trust us, we hesitated to call it practice…)

I mean, come on guys on the squad. You may as well go ahead and sit in a circle, put a pizza in the middle, and set the egg timer on, because we all know where this is heading.

Those aren’t spirit fingers. These are spirit fingers. And these are mother fucking gold!!!

It baffles us that in 2011 there are still men out there that think forming a perfect hurkie is a turn on to the women they lift up in the air every Saturday morning. There are much better ways to seduce women than going around and shouting: “Like totally! Like wow! Like totally freak me out! We are the Torros!” (PS. If you know where that cheer came from, you’re so not straight. Let it go sister).

There’s only thing gayer than being on the cheerleading squad, and it’s being in a #musical. Fire hazard!

We’re sure there are caveats to this rule, much like many of our rules, but this is literally such a no-brainer, we aren’t even going to investigate those caveats. We’re simply going to close the book on this by saying trust us: if he cheers, he’s queer. Get used to it.

 

 

…Play Volleyball

18 Sep

We’ll concede one thing about straight men across the board. They enjoy a sport or two. Regardless whether they’re real straight bros or more nerdy reserved type bros, there is always a sport that they enjoy. It’s in their DNA (or RNA… we never paid attention in Biology because our Professor was way too hot…)

And because sports are in a straight man’s molecular fiber, one would assume that a gay man possess at least traces of that gene, no? Yes!

The difference isn’t the love of sport… it’s the sport we love that draws the line.

Sand Volleyball

This is the view on most volleyball courts. Come for the game... stay for the man candy.

Enter volleyball. Gay men love volleyball. They can’t get enough of that shit. Go to any sand volleyball court right now, and we guarantee you that you will find at least twelve shirtless men playing volleyball while simultaneously #tanning. It’s a two-for-one, and gay guys are always trying to multitask.

Bump! Set! #Flip!

On the inverse, straight guys don’t really get volleyball. Sure it’s a sport. Sure it requires teamwork and above average physicality. They’re willing to acknowledge it as a great sport for women to play (have you seen those tights?? jackpot!), but it isn’t a sport they’d take up for themselves.

Why? You ask. Believe it or not, straight bros associate sport with physical contact. (In case you’re dumb, in volleyball there really is none…). It’s been that way since ancient Rome when Gladiators used to get together and wrestle each other until one of them died. If there isn’t a physical test of strength, straight men would rather pass.

It’s why they love football… hello! Every play ends in a physical heap, where only the strongest survive. Boxing? Sign them up! Basketball… sure, they’ll watch that too.

There is something inherently stimulating to a straight bro about pushing up against another straight bro- in the manliest of ways, of course- and demonstrating that he’s physically bigger, stronger, and tougher than the other. It’s how cavemen used to demonstrate to cavewomen that they were superior. Fact.

Volleyball

You: Magic 8 Ball, will I find a str8 boi at volleyball today? Magic 8 Ball: It is decidedly so.

Because volleyball lacks this fundamental salt lick that straight bros require in their sporting, it’s been whittled down to the sport for str8 bois. Guys who still crave competition, but would rather get their physical contact elsewhere… and #naked…

If you think you’re going to suss out a #DTB athlete with a six pack at the basketball courts, think the fuck again.

So the next time you’re out at the park cruising for str8 bois with cosmo mix in  your Nalgene  bottle (because you’re a classy gal, duh), we say roll up those #man capris, take off your shirt as if you’re #Zac Efron at the beach, and join a game of pickup volleyball. We’re almost positive you’ll be picking something else up after…

Good game… good game… good game… here’s my number… good game… good game.