Here at Straight Men Don’t, we have our language. We know it fluently. We don’t expect you to know it much at all. And we hardly give a shit.
But seriously, most of the lingo is pretty self explanatory. Also, if you know what the majority of our abrevs are, chances are, you’re either a woman or #not straight.
Are you bending over for me? Don't mind if I do...
First up? DTB, also known as Down to Bend. This is a riff from the great abrev DTF, and it literally refers to a straight man who would, under special circumstances, bend it over and let you stick it in. Once you’ve found your DTB straight man, do not let him go. He’s the holy fucking grail of straight men.
While some guys who fall under the straight men don’t paradigm will occasionally let you kiss the tip or stroke it out, a guy who is down to bend has given up all hope of appearing straight to you again. He knows he’s lost. He also knows you won’t tell his bros, because to you being with someone everyone else thinks is straight has been your goal since you did your first French braid on your sister’s Barbie Doll.
Here at Straight Men Don’t, we consider a DTB boi to be the ultimate goal. The ultimate unicorn… they’re rare, but they’re out there.
We know, we know. This should be a no-fucking-brainer. But folks, when it comes to straight men, there are no no-brainers. Everything should be taken straight to the scalp.
"I ordered it by mistake. You mean this isn't a Bud Light Lime?"
So why are we bringing this up? Because if we had a dollar for every time we’ve seen a straight bro drinking a cosmo-fucking-politan martini at 3 dollar You-Call-It night, we’d be drinking our cosmos out of a glass carved from Kim Kardashian’s wedding ring.
The rule is simple. Straight men drink beer and dark liquor, preferably something that’s been aged in a cask or some such shit. They stray away from vodka, and generally anything that could be described as a cocktail. Why? Because straight men don’t like anything with the name cock in it getting close to their mouths. Straight men are simple like that.
We’re here to tell you that cosmos are a str8 boi’s and a gay man’s elixir. They’re refreshing, tasty, and they make you look classy as shit. Straight men don’t strive to look classy like the rest of us. Give that man a Manhattan or a Bud ‘Bro Light and call it a fucking day.
So what do you do when you see a straight bro ordering from the martini menu at a bar? You keep a close eye on him all night. He’s probably used to getting made fun of by his bros, so he claims that drinking hard liquor fucks him up enough to hit on girls that are out of his league. But you, sir, know better than his bros. You know that he has a #Zac Efron poster in his closet (Duh, where else?) is probably Tivo-ing #Grey’s Anatomy if it’s a Thursday night.
This straight bro is not only #down to bend, but he’ll probably let you feel him up right there on the dance floor if it’s crowded enough. So don’t lose sight of him, but don’t pounce too early. If his bros are still around, you have no chance. You may as well chase him back into the closet faster than you can order a lemon drop martini. Take it slow, wait for your favorite #Ke$ha song to come on, and then follow him on to the floor. The rest is what we call a no-brainer.