Tag Archives: Straight

…Tan

14 Sep

I had a girlfriend once whose boyfriend insisted on going tanning with her. Weird? I thought so too. It got so bad, they bought tandem passes as if they were besties getting ready for a trip to Cabo.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised to learn they’re no longer dating? No one? Great. Now raise your hand if you’re surprised to learn that he’s dating a surfer boi named Khai… exactly.

Tanning is an art that straight men simply don’t do on purpose. We know, we know. The times are a-changin’, but come on folks, a straight bro wouldn’t be caught dead in a tanning salon wearing a Playboy bunny sticker in order to track his progress. Just ask #Vanessa Hudgens.

And don’t get us started on sunless tanner. No. Just… no.

Proof he's gay, or proof he's not a vampire? Hmm... we'll take both, Tribek!

So how do straight men tan? Accidentally, that’s how. Straight men escape being pale and pasty by doing activities that yield an accidental tan. They mow the yard. They play frat frisbee. They hangout shirtless by the pool.

Never do they ever,  however, ‘lay out’ with bronzing lotion, a #cosmo in a Nalgene bottle, and the brand new #US Weekly trying to get some color (and catch up on the latest #celeb gossip! Duh!). They’d much rather be mistaken for Edward fucking Cullen than set foot inside of a tanning salon.

So what do you do if you run into a straight bro coming out of tanning booth 3? We’d say go for it!Ask him if he needs help putting lotion on his back. Tell him his color makes his abs look more defined. We’re positive he’ll appreciate it.

Clearly he’s a couple weeks away from coming out of the closet completely and he’s just getting nice and bronze for his coming out party. Work fast! Get it while it’s still getting. When he is finally outed, trust us, his allure will diminish almost completely.

*Caveat. There is one exception to this rule… and it’s fucking South Americans. They throw everything off when it comes to the tanning theory, so be careful. He might kiss you on the cheek twice, but that doesn’t mean he’s #DTB.

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…Wear Man Capris

14 Sep

Look at those super sexy cavs! Better to squat thrust with, bois!

We used to think that nothing  could stump us. Show us a man trying to pass himself off as straight, for whatever reason, and we’d call him out faster than #Ryan Seacrest could ask for a hair straightener.

Enter the Manpri.

There are two kinds of men who wear Manpris. Yard boys and gay hipsters. Ladies shouldn’t be hitting on either of these men anyway. Straight men don’t even know what Manpris are.

What are these ambiguous bottoms anyway? They are calf length trousers, somewhere between a short and a pant. Your grandmother would probably call them peddle pushers. Regardless, they’re fucking fabulous. And they’re fucking gay.

No man can be taken seriously claiming to be straight, throwing a frisbee around with his bros, while wearing man capris. We don’t give a shit if your pants were dragging and you just rolled them up to capri-length. Bois, if you see a man walking around wearing man capris, he’s probably #down to bend.

Need further proof? Just ask yourself who brought the man capri back into style. That’s right. #Zac Fucking Efron. Need we say more?

So what do you do if you see a seriously straight bro walking around in man capris? Have absolutely no fear, and hit on him, day or fucking night. Who cares if he has a girlfriend. If she knew better, she wouldn’t let her fairy-in-training out of the house in freaking knickerbockers. What? I thought he was a paper boy!

Don’t take this dude seriously, though. He’s almost begging to be hit on. Save your #cosmo money, keep your #Thursday night open for someone else, and just make a solid pass. This one is fail safe, we almost guarantee it.

Zac Efron… He’s So Not Straight

13 Sep

Fedora? Perfect Skin? Sun Kissed Tan? The only thing straight about this High School Musical-er is his perfectly coiffed hair.

There are a few celebrities that walk that ambiguous line between #straight and str8, and we all know str8 means he’s so not straight. Who is the Queen straight not straight man? Zac Fucking Efron.

Zac Efron is the straightest not straight man we know. The only thing straight about him is his hair texture, and that’s thanks to dollops and dollops of product, courtesy of ex-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens. In fact, when they broke up, he probably raided her product drawer and took a year’s supply of Garnier Fructise with him…

Straight men don’t use Garnier Fructise.

Ladies, if you’re still into Zac Efron, back the fuck up. He is so #DTB it isn’t even funny. Vanessa Hudgens couldn’t even get him up with some full frontal sexting, and we all know that bitch tried.

Just being Zac Efron violates at least a dozen things that straight men don’t do. They sure as hell don’t wear #man capris. Straight men don’t star in #musicals about high school. The only fucking straight man we’ve ever seen in a musical was Hugh Jackman, and the jury is still out on his high kicks.

Need we keep going? When was the last time you saw a straight man leaving Target with perfectly coiffed hair and a deep rich sunless tan? What was that? #Ryan Seacrest? Exactly. Straight men don’t tan on purpose. They get their tans from playing touch football shirtless on frat lawns. #Tanning booths? Straight men don’t, and we bet you anything Zac Efron is down to tan in a booth.

So the next time you find yourself on a couch watching #Grey’s Anatomy with Zac Efron, scoot on over, hand him another #vodka cran and remind yourself that he’s SO not straight.

What Is Straight Men Don’t?

13 Sep

Gay men are known to be in awe of many a random thing. Britney Spears, bright shiny lights, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But nothing excites a gay man more than the possibility of hooking up with a straight man.

That’s right, folks. It’s scientifically proven that the opportunity to #flip a straight guy is a top tier priority for the majority of gay guys. If you’re not one of these guys, don’t get your boxer briefs in a wad. Chances are, at some point or another, you’ve turned to your straight brethren and thought you had a chance. Don’t lie.

Why the fascination? Why, it’s all in the flip. We view  straight bros as pancakes, waiting for us to come along with our special and unique spatula and offer him something he’s never had before.

Well, as a guy who, after many attempts, has finally landed his “straight bro” and taken him straight to bed, I’m here to tell you that the impossible is now very possible. This website is a list of very subtle cues a straight man who is down to bend will give you when he’s ready to be flipped.

They don’t call it the old college try for nothing!

We’ve lived it. We’ve learned it. And we’ve realized that although there are quite a few fives on the Kinsey scale, there are way more 3’s and 4’s waiting to be flipped. And it’s our responsibility to share these cues with you. Without further ado, here’s is a list of things straight men don’t…