Tag Archives: Television

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

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…Watch Twilight

28 Sep

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

Twilight is Pretty Gay

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Twilight Brokeback Mountain

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.

…Watch Glee

21 Sep

… Mother fucking duh! I’m almost slightly embarrassed to spend five hundred words dispelling why straight men don’t watch Glee.

Glee is Back!

How would my good friend Dr. Suess put it? If you watch this show on FOX, you do not want any BOX.

Is it the fact that it’s a fucking #musical? Sure, why not.

Maybe because over half the characters are either homosexual or played by homosexuals? Yes, that could be it.

It could be because the agenda is laid on so thick, even str8 bois have a hard time taking it seriously? Yeah, that’s one, too.

Maybe, just maybe it’s because Lea Michele is SO annoying she cancels any hotness factor the show may actually have... BINGO, Sherlock!

No matter how you slice it, no one who watches Glee wants to get some pussy fresh box later that night. Nothing screams I want fairy tail quite like watching this fairy tale.

Glee is the epitome of Gay TV for the 21st Century. Like Project Runway six years before it, it was the guiltiest of guilty pleasures for str8 bros and the guys who they were letting kiss it on the side. No one was allowed to know they watched Glee together just like no one was allowed to know he occasionally liked a finger up the rectum. Snitches get stitches!

But somewhere along the way, things started to change. People started to admit they watched this show. Just the other day, my brother set his Tivo for a season pass of Glee! GLEE! This is a man with a girlfriend and who doesn’t exhibit any other straight men don’t quality… and he’s watching Glee.

Puck

We admit it. This is the Only reason we agreed to watch this show...

I’m sorry to get personal, but I was flabbergasted. Downright floored. I had to move him from a firm five on the Kinsey to a flimsy four. He’s one #Tom Cruise haircut away from

strapping on assless chaps and singing It’s Raining Men at ‘Ladies Night’.

We’ve laid out the reasons why Glee isn’t an appropriate show for straight bros to watch. In fact, if you’re sitting next a straight bro and Kurt Hummel comes sashaying on screen to deliver yet another song from Gypsy or Caberet, just turn to your left and give that boi a kiss. We all know the two of you would both rather be doing the deed than watching the show, so don’t pretend. He won’t either.

It’s quite simple, actually. Straight men don’t watch Glee. Or at the very least, they don’t admit it.

Ian Somerhalder… He’s So Not Straight

20 Sep

Okay, we’re aware that this particular call-out is probably going to get filed under Wishful Thinking. And we’re a-okay with that. Because we can’t lie, Ian Somerhalder has been a permanent fixture in our wank banks since his first on screen male kiss with the artist formerly known as Dawson Leary back in ’02.

So why are we finally ready to call Ian out on his not-so-straight ways? Well, we’ll start circa 2002.

Ian Somerhalder and James Van Der Beek being Hot and Gay

Jamie, boo, I don't wait for our lives to be over... Let me just kiss the tip and we'll call it a day.

Now, we’re not saying that any guy who kisses a guy on screen is an automatic ‘mo. On the contrary. Plenty of straight bros make out with other dudes for the sake of the arts. Just ask Sean Penn. He won an entire Oscar for making out with str8 boi… yeah, we’re looking at you James Franco.

But anyone who’s seen Rules of Attraction knows that kiss was much more than a kiss. I mean, is there a wonder Dawson left the Creek shortly after that shit was filmed? Hello… he was heading to Fort Lauderdale, ready to turn his #man capris up and build sand castles on the fucking sand.

Then there’s the matter of his face. We’re not ready to admit there is a single straight man out there with skin that perfectly #tan and that wonderfully smooth. I mean, his complexion is flawless.

Is he borrowing skin care products from #Zac Efron? That’s for him to know and for us to wet dream about.

Yes, yes, there are a ton of guys out there that give us a similar #DTB vibe that turn out to be very straight in the long run. We are, however, willing to bet that even the straightest of those McFairies is willing to let us kiss the tip.

Your honor, I’d like to submit this into evidence. Where the fuck is his girlfriend? Someone that genetically gifted is rarely seen unattached. Even if he’s not the ‘marrying kind’, having a pretty girl in tow to balance his flawlessness is a must for a truly straight bro. Just ask George Clooney.

But because Ian is following in the footsteps of #Tom and not George, we’re just going to go ahead and stamp a rainbow across his back and get to plowing.

But there’s no evidence he’s DTB. Ya’ll are talking out of your asses!

To that we say… so the fuck what? We have a theory that has Ian’s name written all over it. It’s called the Congressman Scandal Theory.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Ian Being Gay

The proof is the fucking pudding. Straight men don't underwear dance with other men. They just don't.

Every time a Congressman shoots from the mouth, igniting a gay media firestorm, said Congressman is usually outed a short time later. Why is this? Because homophobia is the biggest clue that someone is a homosexual. If he’s definitely a ‘phobe, he’s probably a ‘mo… take those odds to Vegas, sister.

And in 2002, Ian Somerhalder was the center of an Out Magazine shitfest, in which he said some mildly offensive things towards gay guys. And we all know that #magazines are the fucking Bible. (For the record, we thought his comments were really hot… but we’re also addicted to hitting on straight bros, so…).

Ian might not have been caught tapping away under a bathroom stall at Macy’s after that, but we’re willing to bet that wasn’t the last time he kissed a guy.

Umm… let’s not forget. The guy plays a vampire on television. I’ve never met an actor who plays a vampire who wasn’t a little bit gay… just saying.

Look, we’re not saying this seduction is going to be easy. It might take a #cocktail or two, but eventually you’ll be able to talk him into showing you just how James Van Der Beek used to do it… trust us. Go for the gusto with this guy, because he’s secretly dying to show you, probably because he’s SO not straight.

…Sex and the City

15 Sep

I was once talking to a girlfriend of mine who swore that her boyfriend loved watching Sex and the City with her. He found the women “funny” and the way they talked about men and sex “witty” and “realistic“. And while we find the show to possess these qualities, we don’t expect a straight man to do the same.

Why? Because at it’s epicenter SATC goes against every fundamental reason why straight men watch television.

No hot women. No one beating the shit out of each other.

No hot women? What?!?! What about Charlotte?

Charlotte’s pretty, sure. But she lacks a definite ‘I want to bone you‘ quality that draws men to shows like Mad Men. Christina Hendricks? Hell yeah!

Not to mention the fact that half the dialogue is about male genitalia and/or fashion designers. Straight men don’t do designers. Ask Elle Woods… she won an entire legal case around that theory, so clearly it’s a fact.

Somewhere out there, #Ryan Seacrest is wondering if Carrie's Chanel suit will fit him. Bet on it.

Let’s also not forget that the show doesn’t paint straight bros in the best light. Basically, it says you can grow up to be rich, successful, and debonair, and you’ll still end up punching out a Russian ballerina because he stole your favorite horse and moved her to Paris. (Then there’s the string of straight dudes that get dumped… and the one who has a testicle removed). A true straight man would find the show offensive on so many levels.

If a straight bro is watching SATC with his girlfriend, he’s at least considering going #DTB; one or two #cosmos and he’s definitely flippable. If he’s watching it by himself… well, sweetheart your boyfriend is now friends with Dorothy and almost begging a str8 boi to turn him sideways.

Are men really like shoes, Carrie would ask pensively while plucking away at her Mac… maybe. But I’ve never seen a straight shoe in my life, so I’ll give her that…

Ryan Seacrest… He’s SO Not Straight

14 Sep

Look, we’re not here to out Ryan Seacrest. Not our goal. He’s been doing it for us since that first American Idol confetti shower back in 2001. Think we were watching Kelly Clarkson take the crown? On the contrary friends. We were watching Ryan grin like a #DTB go-go dancer in the middle of Pasadena’s Pride Parade.

Ryan: Honey, you know what I love most about you? Julianne: I can put my leg behind my ear? Ryan: No...You look just your brother!

Yes, folks, there are very few celebrities who have managed to pull the cashmere wool over everyone’s eyes like Ryan Seacrest, but we’re on to his little game.

But SMD, he has a girlfriend! Who dances for a living! There’s no greater jackpot for a str8 boi. Where else can he get an endless supply of glitter, tulle, and high heels to prance around in while she’s out at the spa? Have you been to a Dancing with the Stars cast party? Hello! We’re talking #cosmos and #flippable str8 bros galore. Hello Mark Ballas!

The only thing gayer than being a dancer, is bearding one.

Never mind that Ryan is one of the most powerful faces in showbiz; let’s focus on the fact that his face is as perfectly sculpted as Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Think he had that when he was slumming it with Brian Dunkleman under the American Idol bleachers? We’ve been to a talent show, Ryan. We know what goes on under there. Oh hell no. Ryan learned very quickly that if he was going to get any action in West Hollywood, he’d need to upgrade the gams, and girlfriend did so!

Still not sure? Take this on for size. Ryan Secreast makes his living running E! Entertainment. Ask any str8 boi what his dream job is, and it would include celeb gossip, copious amounts of fashion, and getting to watch dailies of Keeping Up with the Kardashians all day long. Homeboy even scored an invite to the wedding! Zing!

Straight men don’t go to Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

So, Ryan, we give you full props for flying under the radar this long. We’ll even go as far as to say congrats to Julianne Hough for landing herself a primo GBFF (Gay BFF). But we all know when he’s holding her in his arms, he’s actually thinking about the other Hough… Derek.

…Watch Grey’s Anatomy

13 Sep

In our quest to snag us a straight bro, we’ve come across many levels of guys trying to pass themselves off. Nothing screams I’m Down to Bend faster than a boi who asks what you’re doing at 8 P.M. on a Thursday Night.

That’s right, folks. #Straight men do not, under any circumstance of their choosing, watch Mer and Der go on-again and off-again when they can be out hitting on girls at a college night bar. Does he know who Christina Yang is? Does he think Izzy is a whiny vegetarian bitch? Does he wish he could go back in time and save Denny from a blood clot? Exactly. Boi is not straight. Seriously.

As we speak, he’s probably masturbating to a fantasy of McSteamy going down on McDreamy while that Scottish one watches.

Think an actual straight man wants to watch this? Try again. Watch for the subtle crotch adjust, and you're golden.

If you ever find yourself on a couch, drinking a #cosmo and watching Lexi cry over the sexy one with grey hair, you’re probably not sitting next to a straight bro. Don’t be fooled if he tells you that his girlfriend got him into the show. Where is this girlfriend now? NOT holding a gun to his head while he secretly cries inside.

Let’s take a second to talk about the only two instances a straight bro would watch Grey’s Anatomy.

1. It came on after the Superbowl. We suppose this is a valid reason. Granted all the straight bros we know turned it off after the shower scene. Everyone else kept watching and cried when Mer stuck her hand in that bomb chest. Tragic.

2. His girlfriend actually does make him watch it. In this case, he never watches it without her. He knows who the characters are, but has no emotional attachment to them. He could care less if Addison cheated on Derek or if Chief is a raging alcoholic. All he knows is 48 minutes of primetime soap now, and he’ll get 4 to 8 minutes of solid head later.

So what do you do if you find yourself sitting next to a “straight” bro in the middle of Grey’s most dramatic episode yet? Scoot over, do some casual knee flirting, and as soon as you see “Next on Private Practice...” go in for the crotch grab. He’ll be stunned at first, but then he’ll ask himself who he’s kidding. Straight men don’t watch Grey’s… they just don’t.