Tag Archives: Tom Cruise

…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

Straight Men Don’t Lingo #4

3 Oct

The more we write, the more people wonder what the hell we’re writing about. We know, sometimes we use a secret language. It’s called fag. If you speak it fluently, chances are you’re #so not straight.

So now that you know what #DTB and #Flippable mean, it’s time to explain our favorite phrase (and one of our favorite activities, to be honest).

Kiss the tip.

What does it mean? It’s not a full on BJ, if that’s where your mind went. While it encompasses the same elements of your classic nod, there is one key difference.

A guy who let’s you kiss the tip isn’t necessarily letting YOU kiss the tip. On most occasions, he simply wants his tip kissed. End of story.

But it is a direct indication of his flippability. Straight men don’t just let another guy kiss the tip unless they’ve thought about a guy in that way. And what does thinking about a guy in that way mean? Exactly. Now we’ve come full circle.

Pun intended.

Some str8 bois will tell you they’re really horny and actually imagining a girl kissing the tip. We wonder how many times #Nicole Kidman had to hear that one before she realized it was a crock of shit.

Kissing the tip is the gateway drug to full on DTB. Some guys stall out after a few male-on-male tip sessions. Some guys will offer to return the favor. But only a true and classic flipper can turn a simple KTT into a full on sex session. Bonus points if he kisses you after you kiss the tip. It’s then that you’ve found the holy fucking grail.

 

…Read US Weekly

17 Sep

Look, we’re all about equal rights here at Straight Men Don’t. We would never suggest an activity is strictly for one gender or sexual orientation. See our caveat on #tanning.

Us Weekly Mary Kate Olsen

By far our favorite issue of The Bible. We love you MKO!

However, it is historically proven that the magazine was invented for bored socialite women who got pleasure by reading about other people’s mishaps. Hence, the magazine was born. (We’re aware that before that, scholars used to write down their super smart thoughts and send them out to their other super smart friends, tabloid style… but we’re going to file those under Almanacs. We doubt Benji Franklin told the Continental Congress to hold on while he referenced his international magazine…)

Fast forward to 2011, and bored women have included gay men in their magazine hoarding culture. There are a plethora of glossy gossip rags waiting to dish on the latest celebrity dirt. Not a fan of reading? Have no fear. E! has an entire CHANNEL devoted to magazine-ing… hosted by none other than #Ryan Fucking Seacrest.

What is it about magazines that gay men love and that a straight man wouldn’t appreciate? First of all, magazines are super shiny, and gay men love all things shiny. Secondly, gay men love talking shit about people, and that’s all a magazine is. If we had a dollar for every time US Weekly talked shit about #Tom Cruise and his addiction to Scientology, we wouldn’t be investigating Google Adsense on our other browser window.

US Weekly is like the fucking Bible to gay men. It’s glossy, gossipy, fun to read, and has pictures of celebs dressed in fugly outfits. They also make outlandish claims about celebs that can’t possibly be verified (yes, that IS #Zac Efron spotted leaving an all-male strip club… NOT!). In short, it’s amazing.

Gay men love other magazines as well. Stacked under our bed is every back issue of Vogue since we watched read The Devil Wears Prada. In case you’re slow, #straight men don’t read Vogue.

Tom Cruise Vanity Fair

We keep this one under our mattress...

What do straight men read, you ask? For our truly straight bros who can’t be bothered with opening a book, they sift through boring fair like The New Yorker, The Economist or Sports fucking Illustrated. (Side note: some deeply closeted str8 bois will stack their coffee table up with Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition just to throw people off. Don’t be fooled).

For the last time, no one READS Playboy for the articles…

The only magazine we consider to be a stumper is Vanity Fair. Many a straight bro seek it’s pages for unbridled culture. Some just like the occasionally racy covers. We call that one a toss-up.

So if you’re stalking a straight bro you swear is #flippable, just head on over to his bathroom and check out the stacks he has next to his toilet. There’s no surer sign that a dude is #DTB than a casually placed Cosmopolitan lying around next to his pooper.

The bonus of snagging a str8 bro that reads Cosmo? As of September 2010, he knows 101 ways to elongate your pleasure using only the palm of his hands and an ice cube. Jackpot!

Tom Cruise… He’s So Not Straight

17 Sep
Tom Cruise

"Oh, that Will Smith guy is so hot... I wonder if he's a down to bend just like I am..."

There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?

But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tomright?

WRONG!

There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!

Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!

Tom Cruise

Exhibit 596: Straight men don't musical. Need we say more?

Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.

Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.

Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from The Bible US Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.

Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!

As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.

We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.