Tag Archives: Trends

…Keep Up With The Kardashians

29 Sep

Now, we know this one could go either way. Two of the three Kardashians are definitely do worthy, by a straight bro’s standards (and we’re only not counting you, Kourtney, because you have a a child’s ballsack hanging from your cold, hard, hands at any given second. And we’re not talking about baby Mason.)

Say what you will about Kim’s faux ass or Khloe’s manliness (standing next to any other set of sisters, she’d be a knockout), the fact of the matter is, their annoyingness erases any boner their beauty might create.

Don’t believe us? We didn’t make the poll.

We can’t help but think the bulk of the people voting are either extremely ugly women or seriously straight bros.

No str8 boi would be caught dead voting for Kim K. in that poll when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are still alive, let alone annoying the shit out of us on a daily basis. (And why the fuck aren’t Heidi and Spencer LooneyTunes on that list? Rigged!)

Mom, you just don’t get it!

The Kardashian

We've been Keeping up with the Kardashians since before Kim's ill-fated run in with bangs.

We’ll admit that this buxom family has it’s fair share of exposure. They practically own E! along with their Gay BFF #Ryan Secreast. The ageless Kris is on The View The Talk, and all four Kardashians (Bruce and Rob barely count) are going to be hosting The Today Show all next week to promote Kim’s wedding. Throw in a fragrance and #”designer” clothing line for good measure. Talk about busy bodies.

So why do these bodacious babes turn straight bros off? Because at their core, they are truly annoying. Not as annoying as #man capris after Labor Day, but come on. Only a guy who is seriously #flippable can stand much more than a couple media touch points with these ladies.

Hello! Ray J, anyone?

And it’s this very same annoying factor that gay men love. We love to know what Kim is up to. Will we buy her Sketchers? Probs not, but that was one hot as fuck photo shoot. Watching these women fight with each other in front of their step-dad in high pitched voices might sound like cats dying to some, but to us it’s Prime Time Television.

Don’t get us started on how entertaining their significant others are. Between Reggie, Lamar, and the new one with severe Slow Face, it’s like a show of Two and Half [Black] Men WITHIN a show of KUWTK. Talk about a double fucking whammy.

We’re in Miami, bitch!

So while the ladies aren’t entertaining in that ugly hot hot mess kind of way, like #Ke$ha for example, they definitely don’t do for straight bros quite like they do it for the rest of us.

Is anyone surprised to find Ryan Seacrest keeping up with this Armenian power family? Fuck no! He is always at the epicenter of gay culture!

So what do you  do if the straight bro you’re talking to suddenly tells you he hopes Kourtney wises up and gets rid of that drunk douchebag? He’s clearly trying to flirt with you on your level. Take his fucking bate! Slip him a #cosmo, ask him which of the sisters is his favorite, and when he says Rob with a wink and a nudge, you know he’s so not straight.

Bye, dolls!

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…Wear Sunglasses

28 Sep

Okay, before you throw rotten tomatoes our way, hear us the fuck out. Straight men CAN wear sunglasses, if they want people to think they aren’t straight.

Tom Cruise Gay

The only thing straight about this look is Tom Cruise's straight set of pearly whites.

There are a couple of caveats to this rule, and we’ll get to those soon enough. For now, let’s discuss the reasons why sunglasses are strictly for our #DTB brethern.

First of all, they’re an accessory. We all know that accessories belong in the closets of two kinds of people that aren’t themselves in the closet: gays and girls. It’s a fact of #fashion. We didn’t make the rules, but we certainly live by them.

If you insist on wearing those sweats today, you can’t sit with us!

For some, sunglasses have a practical purpose. Sure they keep your eyes protected from that bright yellow thing that’s determined to make your hangover worse as you waltz down to Starbucks for a morning after Cup-o-Joe, but anyone who’s anyone (read: #flippable) knows that glasses are more fashion than function.

And therein lies the problem for the straight guy among us. Although a straight bro could get away with wearing shades in a way he can’t get away with wearing #man capris– function, remember?- the fact of the matter is if I see you wearing them, you’re towing the line between metro and full on homo, and we always like line-towers.

Don’t get me started on guys who perch their glasses on their heads.

Let’s talk about the celebrities that are often seen wearing sunglasses. Oh, you guessed it. #Tom Fucking Cruise isn’t snapped without a pair of Oakley’s to shade those shady blues. Still not convinced? #Zac Efron anyone?

I told you there were exceptions, right? Well we here at SMD are men of our words. Wearing shades doesn’t necessarily make a man a ‘mo if he indeed calls them shades. Who else would call them shades?

If your glasses can be described as oversized in any way shape or form, however, chances are there’s a dick in your mouth as you read this.

Zac Efron Gay

Zac Efron has perfected the "I'm going to the bathhouse look". The only thing that could make this look worse is a pink boa and sling back pumps.

If he has a job that keeps him outside for several hours during the day, he may be looking for more of that function and less of that fashion (unless of course, the glasses are designer, in which case, he’s as gay as a jaybird). Think construction workers (gross), coaches (yum), boaters (could go either way). Other guys who get a free pass are southern fraternity bros, although they’re gay for completely different reasons, but we won’t get into that.

Since the sunglass became a modern display of individuality, they have served as the crowning piece to a str8 boi’s wardrobe. So what do you do if you see someone wearing a pair of shades and he isn’t directing traffic?

This could be tricky. Glasses are worn during the day, which means you can’t tip the scale your way with a #cocktail or two. You’ll have to approach very carefully, nonthreateningly, and ride it out until the time is right. Instead of going for a classic hit-on, try to a arrange a bro-date for the evening time, when you can slip in a little liquid lubricant.

We all know you don’t want to get too far without some form of lubricant, right?

 

…Wear Man Capris

14 Sep

Look at those super sexy cavs! Better to squat thrust with, bois!

We used to think that nothing  could stump us. Show us a man trying to pass himself off as straight, for whatever reason, and we’d call him out faster than #Ryan Seacrest could ask for a hair straightener.

Enter the Manpri.

There are two kinds of men who wear Manpris. Yard boys and gay hipsters. Ladies shouldn’t be hitting on either of these men anyway. Straight men don’t even know what Manpris are.

What are these ambiguous bottoms anyway? They are calf length trousers, somewhere between a short and a pant. Your grandmother would probably call them peddle pushers. Regardless, they’re fucking fabulous. And they’re fucking gay.

No man can be taken seriously claiming to be straight, throwing a frisbee around with his bros, while wearing man capris. We don’t give a shit if your pants were dragging and you just rolled them up to capri-length. Bois, if you see a man walking around wearing man capris, he’s probably #down to bend.

Need further proof? Just ask yourself who brought the man capri back into style. That’s right. #Zac Fucking Efron. Need we say more?

So what do you do if you see a seriously straight bro walking around in man capris? Have absolutely no fear, and hit on him, day or fucking night. Who cares if he has a girlfriend. If she knew better, she wouldn’t let her fairy-in-training out of the house in freaking knickerbockers. What? I thought he was a paper boy!

Don’t take this dude seriously, though. He’s almost begging to be hit on. Save your #cosmo money, keep your #Thursday night open for someone else, and just make a solid pass. This one is fail safe, we almost guarantee it.