Tag Archives: Zac Efron

…Circle Jerk

11 Oct

This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

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Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

4 Oct

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

gay bradley cooper

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

…Play Volleyball

18 Sep

We’ll concede one thing about straight men across the board. They enjoy a sport or two. Regardless whether they’re real straight bros or more nerdy reserved type bros, there is always a sport that they enjoy. It’s in their DNA (or RNA… we never paid attention in Biology because our Professor was way too hot…)

And because sports are in a straight man’s molecular fiber, one would assume that a gay man possess at least traces of that gene, no? Yes!

The difference isn’t the love of sport… it’s the sport we love that draws the line.

Sand Volleyball

This is the view on most volleyball courts. Come for the game... stay for the man candy.

Enter volleyball. Gay men love volleyball. They can’t get enough of that shit. Go to any sand volleyball court right now, and we guarantee you that you will find at least twelve shirtless men playing volleyball while simultaneously #tanning. It’s a two-for-one, and gay guys are always trying to multitask.

Bump! Set! #Flip!

On the inverse, straight guys don’t really get volleyball. Sure it’s a sport. Sure it requires teamwork and above average physicality. They’re willing to acknowledge it as a great sport for women to play (have you seen those tights?? jackpot!), but it isn’t a sport they’d take up for themselves.

Why? You ask. Believe it or not, straight bros associate sport with physical contact. (In case you’re dumb, in volleyball there really is none…). It’s been that way since ancient Rome when Gladiators used to get together and wrestle each other until one of them died. If there isn’t a physical test of strength, straight men would rather pass.

It’s why they love football… hello! Every play ends in a physical heap, where only the strongest survive. Boxing? Sign them up! Basketball… sure, they’ll watch that too.

There is something inherently stimulating to a straight bro about pushing up against another straight bro- in the manliest of ways, of course- and demonstrating that he’s physically bigger, stronger, and tougher than the other. It’s how cavemen used to demonstrate to cavewomen that they were superior. Fact.

Volleyball

You: Magic 8 Ball, will I find a str8 boi at volleyball today? Magic 8 Ball: It is decidedly so.

Because volleyball lacks this fundamental salt lick that straight bros require in their sporting, it’s been whittled down to the sport for str8 bois. Guys who still crave competition, but would rather get their physical contact elsewhere… and #naked…

If you think you’re going to suss out a #DTB athlete with a six pack at the basketball courts, think the fuck again.

So the next time you’re out at the park cruising for str8 bois with cosmo mix in  your Nalgene  bottle (because you’re a classy gal, duh), we say roll up those #man capris, take off your shirt as if you’re #Zac Efron at the beach, and join a game of pickup volleyball. We’re almost positive you’ll be picking something else up after…

Good game… good game… good game… here’s my number… good game… good game.

 

Tom Cruise… He’s So Not Straight

17 Sep
Tom Cruise

"Oh, that Will Smith guy is so hot... I wonder if he's a down to bend just like I am..."

There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?

But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tomright?

WRONG!

There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!

Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!

Tom Cruise

Exhibit 596: Straight men don't musical. Need we say more?

Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.

Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.

Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from The Bible US Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.

Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!

As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.

We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.

…Tan

14 Sep

I had a girlfriend once whose boyfriend insisted on going tanning with her. Weird? I thought so too. It got so bad, they bought tandem passes as if they were besties getting ready for a trip to Cabo.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised to learn they’re no longer dating? No one? Great. Now raise your hand if you’re surprised to learn that he’s dating a surfer boi named Khai… exactly.

Tanning is an art that straight men simply don’t do on purpose. We know, we know. The times are a-changin’, but come on folks, a straight bro wouldn’t be caught dead in a tanning salon wearing a Playboy bunny sticker in order to track his progress. Just ask #Vanessa Hudgens.

And don’t get us started on sunless tanner. No. Just… no.

Proof he's gay, or proof he's not a vampire? Hmm... we'll take both, Tribek!

So how do straight men tan? Accidentally, that’s how. Straight men escape being pale and pasty by doing activities that yield an accidental tan. They mow the yard. They play frat frisbee. They hangout shirtless by the pool.

Never do they ever,  however, ‘lay out’ with bronzing lotion, a #cosmo in a Nalgene bottle, and the brand new #US Weekly trying to get some color (and catch up on the latest #celeb gossip! Duh!). They’d much rather be mistaken for Edward fucking Cullen than set foot inside of a tanning salon.

So what do you do if you run into a straight bro coming out of tanning booth 3? We’d say go for it!Ask him if he needs help putting lotion on his back. Tell him his color makes his abs look more defined. We’re positive he’ll appreciate it.

Clearly he’s a couple weeks away from coming out of the closet completely and he’s just getting nice and bronze for his coming out party. Work fast! Get it while it’s still getting. When he is finally outed, trust us, his allure will diminish almost completely.

*Caveat. There is one exception to this rule… and it’s fucking South Americans. They throw everything off when it comes to the tanning theory, so be careful. He might kiss you on the cheek twice, but that doesn’t mean he’s #DTB.

…Wear Man Capris

14 Sep

Look at those super sexy cavs! Better to squat thrust with, bois!

We used to think that nothing  could stump us. Show us a man trying to pass himself off as straight, for whatever reason, and we’d call him out faster than #Ryan Seacrest could ask for a hair straightener.

Enter the Manpri.

There are two kinds of men who wear Manpris. Yard boys and gay hipsters. Ladies shouldn’t be hitting on either of these men anyway. Straight men don’t even know what Manpris are.

What are these ambiguous bottoms anyway? They are calf length trousers, somewhere between a short and a pant. Your grandmother would probably call them peddle pushers. Regardless, they’re fucking fabulous. And they’re fucking gay.

No man can be taken seriously claiming to be straight, throwing a frisbee around with his bros, while wearing man capris. We don’t give a shit if your pants were dragging and you just rolled them up to capri-length. Bois, if you see a man walking around wearing man capris, he’s probably #down to bend.

Need further proof? Just ask yourself who brought the man capri back into style. That’s right. #Zac Fucking Efron. Need we say more?

So what do you do if you see a seriously straight bro walking around in man capris? Have absolutely no fear, and hit on him, day or fucking night. Who cares if he has a girlfriend. If she knew better, she wouldn’t let her fairy-in-training out of the house in freaking knickerbockers. What? I thought he was a paper boy!

Don’t take this dude seriously, though. He’s almost begging to be hit on. Save your #cosmo money, keep your #Thursday night open for someone else, and just make a solid pass. This one is fail safe, we almost guarantee it.

Zac Efron… He’s So Not Straight

13 Sep

Fedora? Perfect Skin? Sun Kissed Tan? The only thing straight about this High School Musical-er is his perfectly coiffed hair.

There are a few celebrities that walk that ambiguous line between #straight and str8, and we all know str8 means he’s so not straight. Who is the Queen straight not straight man? Zac Fucking Efron.

Zac Efron is the straightest not straight man we know. The only thing straight about him is his hair texture, and that’s thanks to dollops and dollops of product, courtesy of ex-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens. In fact, when they broke up, he probably raided her product drawer and took a year’s supply of Garnier Fructise with him…

Straight men don’t use Garnier Fructise.

Ladies, if you’re still into Zac Efron, back the fuck up. He is so #DTB it isn’t even funny. Vanessa Hudgens couldn’t even get him up with some full frontal sexting, and we all know that bitch tried.

Just being Zac Efron violates at least a dozen things that straight men don’t do. They sure as hell don’t wear #man capris. Straight men don’t star in #musicals about high school. The only fucking straight man we’ve ever seen in a musical was Hugh Jackman, and the jury is still out on his high kicks.

Need we keep going? When was the last time you saw a straight man leaving Target with perfectly coiffed hair and a deep rich sunless tan? What was that? #Ryan Seacrest? Exactly. Straight men don’t tan on purpose. They get their tans from playing touch football shirtless on frat lawns. #Tanning booths? Straight men don’t, and we bet you anything Zac Efron is down to tan in a booth.

So the next time you find yourself on a couch watching #Grey’s Anatomy with Zac Efron, scoot on over, hand him another #vodka cran and remind yourself that he’s SO not straight.