…Watch Grey’s Anatomy

In our quest to snag us a straight bro, we’ve come across many levels of guys trying to pass themselves off. Nothing screams I’m Down to Bend faster than a boi who asks what you’re doing at 8 P.M. on a Thursday Night.

That’s right, folks. #Straight men do not, under any circumstance of their choosing, watch Mer and Der go on-again and off-again when they can be out hitting on girls at a college night bar. Does he know who Christina Yang is? Does he think Izzy is a whiny vegetarian bitch? Does he wish he could go back in time and save Denny from a blood clot? Exactly. Boi is not straight. Seriously.

As we speak, he’s probably masturbating to a fantasy of McSteamy going down on McDreamy while that Scottish one watches.

Think an actual straight man wants to watch this? Try again. Watch for the subtle crotch adjust, and you're golden.

If you ever find yourself on a couch, drinking a #cosmo and watching Lexi cry over the sexy one with grey hair, you’re probably not sitting next to a straight bro. Don’t be fooled if he tells you that his girlfriend got him into the show. Where is this girlfriend now? NOT holding a gun to his head while he secretly cries inside.

Let’s take a second to talk about the only two instances a straight bro would watch Grey’s Anatomy.

1. It came on after the Superbowl. We suppose this is a valid reason. Granted all the straight bros we know turned it off after the shower scene. Everyone else kept watching and cried when Mer stuck her hand in that bomb chest. Tragic.

2. His girlfriend actually does make him watch it. In this case, he never watches it without her. He knows who the characters are, but has no emotional attachment to them. He could care less if Addison cheated on Derek or if Chief is a raging alcoholic. All he knows is 48 minutes of primetime soap now, and he’ll get 4 to 8 minutes of solid head later.

So what do you do if you find yourself sitting next to a “straight” bro in the middle of Grey’s most dramatic episode yet? Scoot over, do some casual knee flirting, and as soon as you see “Next on Private Practice...” go in for the crotch grab. He’ll be stunned at first, but then he’ll ask himself who he’s kidding. Straight men don’t watch Grey’s… they just don’t.