Bradley Cooper… He’s SO Not Straight

Let’s talk about this for a second. We’ve been in love with Bradley Cooper since before he was splitting heads and stealing the show in Wedding Crashers. Yes, yes. We’ve stalked his career since his platinum blonde days back at the New School. And there in lies the problem.

Jim: I love your frosted tips. Bradley: I love your eyes.

Platinum blonde.

Who the fuck frosts their tips this side of a harmonious circle jerk #boy band? Exactly.

Bradley Cooper is Rock Hudson incarnate. Beautiful, charismatic, and definitely #DTB.

Let’s start with that acting school situation. Careful research has shown us here at Straight Men Don’t that over 60% of students enrolled in some sort of acting program are 100% #flippable. Almost 90% of men who seek a theater degree will definitely let you #kiss the tip. Why? We have no clue, but we’re willing to bet it started with Shakespeare and all of his girly men. Something about the arts just brings out the gay in even the straightest of straight bros.

And that’s precisely why we love them.

Like #Tom Cruise before him, Bradley Cooper has managed to win our hearts over with a nice charming smile, and flawlessly #tan skin that would make #Zac Efron blush if he still could. No man wakes up that beautiful. It takes hours and hours of product, hair plugs, and semen base to achieve such a gorgeous glow.

"Do these glasses make me look fat? What about gay...?"

Oh, and let’s not forget his addiction to #sunglasses.

But SMD, he’s had multiple girlfriends. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. Let’s take a look at his roster of leading ladies, shall we? Renee Fucking Zellwegger. Nothing screams beard quite like that shape shifting fruit fly. The fact is, we don’t buy that relationship for a hot second. Do you mean to tell me that B. Cooper would lower himself to such disgusting levels for love?

Hell no! Clearly his agent asked Nicole Kidman where they could hire a good hag for their client and she showed them str8 to her frumpy friend and countrywoman.

We’re not even going to get started on his so-called fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Your honor, I would like to put Exhibit B into evidence. He speaks French. It’s common knowledge that the French are universally gay. Literally, all of them are DTB.  So why in God’s name would Bradley Cooper learn such a seductive language? To bring str8 bois to their knees, that’s why.

So many shades of gray… is he gay or European?

This will always be at the top of our wank bank.

It’s almost a no brainer, we’re surprised more people aren’t screaming it from the rafters. The thing that makes Brad so great though, is that he plays straight so well. Sure, we bought it Wedding Crashers and The Hangover. He even pulled the pashmina over our eyes in A-Team. But nothing prepared us for the one-two punch that was his openly gay character in Valentine’s Day (who dated McSteant from #Grey’s Anatomy, we might add),  followed by a sexual tension driven role in Limitless.

Seriously? Did you see how he was staring at that Robert de Niro guy? Awkward…

The fact of the matter is very few guys shoot to stardom from zero to sixty in the way Bradley did without bending it over on a couple of casting couches. We don’t know this for sure, folks, but we’re willing to put what little money we have left on it.

So if you’re ever standing stall-to-stall next to B. Coop in a Macy’s bathroom, just lean back a little and give him an obvious once over. We’re sure he’ll be willing to test the limits then, folks. Until next time, follow us on Twitter @straightmendont.

…Watch Twilight

We know you’ve seen the poster. We know you’ve seen the trailer. Fuck, unless you’ve spent the last three years under a rock, you know that November 17th is a fucking pre-teen holiday. And the str8 bois will be out and about with little to no abandon.

We're still waiting for this deleted scene.

I’ll start by saying that I’m team Edward all the way. I like my men slender, tall, and as hard as 200 year old fucking marble. And although Jacob makes a solid case for himself, I wouldn’t want a dumb ass pack of wolves hearing his thoughts about me.

Ohh, yeah. I like it when you #kiss the tip, just like that.

It’s this very ongoing debate that makes Twilight strictly off limits for straight guys everywhere. The second a dude opens the pages of Breaking Dawn or sits through the opening credits of New Moon, his gay card is issued, and it cannot be returned.

It’s quite simple, actually. Twilight is incredibly gay. Not gay in the sense that it’s stupid gay. But the subject matter, down to the glittery vampires, is just geared towards awakening the gay senses.

Hello… GLITTER!

Twilight: Getting the gays to read one chapter at a time.

Now, I’m not saying a guy will turn #DTB just because he sits through all four of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions over the course of two hours. But it doesn’t paint him in a straight light. If he needs a fantasy fix, he’ll watch Harry Fucking Potter. End of story.

The whole vampire craze has us a little iffy. I mean, #Tom Cruise was a vampire once. #Ian Somerhalder is currently a very sexy vampire. And #Zac Efron looked like a vampire before he found #tanning salons. That’s three for three, folks. You don’t get better odds than that.

And the jury is still out on Robert Pattinson. He’s British, which makes him at least flippable. So many shades of gray… is he gay or European.

So what makes Twilight so gay? Just crack open the fucking books and see for yourself. There’s yearning love, teenage angst, a hot boy debate. It’s one casting couch away from being an MTV reality special.

True Life: I’m a homosexual vampire lover.

And that, folks, is why the gays fucking love that shit. Straight bros don’t have the same appreciation for glittering oversexed undead beings quite like their str8 counterparts do. No guy will suggest you go see Eclipse at the stroke of midnight unless he’s looking to stroke something else as well.

In this case, kiss the tip before you go see the movie. No one likes to fall asleep mid midnight BJ. Just saying.

Need we even elaborate on this? We'll let Ennis Del Mar explain this one for you.

So what do you do when you see a man carrying those telltale black and red books in his murse? First you assess if he’s worth your time. A lot of the guys that get sucked into Twilight, pun intended, are pretty nerdy and by the transitive property of nerdage, quite fugly. There are the rare nerdy hot guys who like it, and these unicorns should be #flipped quickly and expeditiously.

When you do spot a nerdy hottie, approach immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

If he’s wearing a costume to the screening, he’s off limits, no matter how hot he is. He could be Johny fucking Depp and we’d pass on that shit. Men who wear costumes to movie screenings are so not straight, and not in a sexy way.

Otherwise, he’s fair game. Just move quickly. Anyone who comes out of the closet as a Twilight fan is coming out of the closet as a dick fan soon enough. And we all know that curb appeal goes way down when he’s out.

Ian Somerhalder… He’s So Not Straight

Okay, we’re aware that this particular call-out is probably going to get filed under Wishful Thinking. And we’re a-okay with that. Because we can’t lie, Ian Somerhalder has been a permanent fixture in our wank banks since his first on screen male kiss with the artist formerly known as Dawson Leary back in ’02.

So why are we finally ready to call Ian out on his not-so-straight ways? Well, we’ll start circa 2002.

Jamie, boo, I don't wait for our lives to be over... Let me just kiss the tip and we'll call it a day.

Now, we’re not saying that any guy who kisses a guy on screen is an automatic ‘mo. On the contrary. Plenty of straight bros make out with other dudes for the sake of the arts. Just ask Sean Penn. He won an entire Oscar for making out with str8 boi… yeah, we’re looking at you James Franco.

But anyone who’s seen Rules of Attraction knows that kiss was much more than a kiss. I mean, is there a wonder Dawson left the Creek shortly after that shit was filmed? Hello… he was heading to Fort Lauderdale, ready to turn his #man capris up and build sand castles on the fucking sand.

Then there’s the matter of his face. We’re not ready to admit there is a single straight man out there with skin that perfectly #tan and that wonderfully smooth. I mean, his complexion is flawless.

Is he borrowing skin care products from #Zac Efron? That’s for him to know and for us to wet dream about.

Yes, yes, there are a ton of guys out there that give us a similar #DTB vibe that turn out to be very straight in the long run. We are, however, willing to bet that even the straightest of those McFairies is willing to let us kiss the tip.

Your honor, I’d like to submit this into evidence. Where the fuck is his girlfriend? Someone that genetically gifted is rarely seen unattached. Even if he’s not the ‘marrying kind’, having a pretty girl in tow to balance his flawlessness is a must for a truly straight bro. Just ask George Clooney.

But because Ian is following in the footsteps of #Tom and not George, we’re just going to go ahead and stamp a rainbow across his back and get to plowing.

But there’s no evidence he’s DTB. Ya’ll are talking out of your asses!

To that we say… so the fuck what? We have a theory that has Ian’s name written all over it. It’s called the Congressman Scandal Theory.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

The proof is the fucking pudding. Straight men don't underwear dance with other men. They just don't.

Every time a Congressman shoots from the mouth, igniting a gay media firestorm, said Congressman is usually outed a short time later. Why is this? Because homophobia is the biggest clue that someone is a homosexual. If he’s definitely a ‘phobe, he’s probably a ‘mo… take those odds to Vegas, sister.

And in 2002, Ian Somerhalder was the center of an Out Magazine shitfest, in which he said some mildly offensive things towards gay guys. And we all know that #magazines are the fucking Bible. (For the record, we thought his comments were really hot… but we’re also addicted to hitting on straight bros, so…).

Ian might not have been caught tapping away under a bathroom stall at Macy’s after that, but we’re willing to bet that wasn’t the last time he kissed a guy.

Umm… let’s not forget. The guy plays a vampire on television. I’ve never met an actor who plays a vampire who wasn’t a little bit gay… just saying.

Look, we’re not saying this seduction is going to be easy. It might take a #cocktail or two, but eventually you’ll be able to talk him into showing you just how James Van Der Beek used to do it… trust us. Go for the gusto with this guy, because he’s secretly dying to show you, probably because he’s SO not straight.

…Cheerlead

Him: I'm gonna get so much snatch after this game, I can already smell it! Her: I hope this fruit bucket doesn't fucking drop me.

So folks, we’re not completely sure that ‘cheerlead’ is a word. We’re going to assume it’s the root word for ‘cheerleader’, but who the hell knows? While my English teacher was busy teaching the exceptions to conjugation, I was in the back whispering things like “just let it happen” to guys like the Junior Varsity Quarterback.

But enough of my history lesson. Let’s talk about the one and only profession that has been barred from a straight man’s list of “what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

Male cheerleading.

This is the deal. I almost hesitate to bring this up, because if you’re hitting on male cheerleaders, you are clearly NOT interested in bringing home a straight bro. You may as well hop on over to the LGBTQ resource center and take a sit down in the lobby, because you’re after a flame thrower and you know it.

There’s nothing subtle about the male cheerleader. Everyone on campus knows he’s as gay as the day is long. And yet, for some reason, there is always the ONE guy who claims he’s straight.

You’ve heard his reasons.

“Cheerleading is a great workout. It’s actually the most dangerous sport in America.”

To this you say… sport? Seriously? What’s next… competitive knitting!

He might also say something like this.

Dude, I get so much box being the only straight guy on the squad. Come on.

If by box, you mean dick, and by straight you mean str8 #DTB, then yes. We’ll believe you.

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Why can’t a straight bro perform his lifts and still be considered straight? There are certain things that cheerleaders deem fundamental that go firmly against a straight bro’s code of ethics. For example, #tanning is a prerequisite to cheering. Why do you think Edward Cullen never made the squad? Cheerleaders also peruse #US Weekly on the weekly because gossip is the number one topic at cheer practice (and trust us, we hesitated to call it practice…)

I mean, come on guys on the squad. You may as well go ahead and sit in a circle, put a pizza in the middle, and set the egg timer on, because we all know where this is heading.

Those aren’t spirit fingers. These are spirit fingers. And these are mother fucking gold!!!

It baffles us that in 2011 there are still men out there that think forming a perfect hurkie is a turn on to the women they lift up in the air every Saturday morning. There are much better ways to seduce women than going around and shouting: “Like totally! Like wow! Like totally freak me out! We are the Torros!” (PS. If you know where that cheer came from, you’re so not straight. Let it go sister).

There’s only thing gayer than being on the cheerleading squad, and it’s being in a #musical. Fire hazard!

We’re sure there are caveats to this rule, much like many of our rules, but this is literally such a no-brainer, we aren’t even going to investigate those caveats. We’re simply going to close the book on this by saying trust us: if he cheers, he’s queer. Get used to it.

 

 

Tom Cruise… He’s So Not Straight

"Oh, that Will Smith guy is so hot... I wonder if he's a down to bend just like I am..."

There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?

But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tom… right?

WRONG!

There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!

Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!

Exhibit 596: Straight men don't musical. Need we say more?

Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.

Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.

Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from The Bible US Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.

Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!

As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.

We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.

Zac Efron… He’s So Not Straight

Fedora? Perfect Skin? Sun Kissed Tan? The only thing straight about this High School Musical-er is his perfectly coiffed hair.

There are a few celebrities that walk that ambiguous line between #straight and str8, and we all know str8 means he’s so not straight. Who is the Queen straight not straight man? Zac Fucking Efron.

Zac Efron is the straightest not straight man we know. The only thing straight about him is his hair texture, and that’s thanks to dollops and dollops of product, courtesy of ex-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens. In fact, when they broke up, he probably raided her product drawer and took a year’s supply of Garnier Fructise with him…

Straight men don’t use Garnier Fructise.

Ladies, if you’re still into Zac Efron, back the fuck up. He is so #DTB it isn’t even funny. Vanessa Hudgens couldn’t even get him up with some full frontal sexting, and we all know that bitch tried.

Just being Zac Efron violates at least a dozen things that straight men don’t do. They sure as hell don’t wear #man capris. Straight men don’t star in #musicals about high school. The only fucking straight man we’ve ever seen in a musical was Hugh Jackman, and the jury is still out on his high kicks.

Need we keep going? When was the last time you saw a straight man leaving Target with perfectly coiffed hair and a deep rich sunless tan? What was that? #Ryan Seacrest? Exactly. Straight men don’t tan on purpose. They get their tans from playing touch football shirtless on frat lawns. #Tanning booths? Straight men don’t, and we bet you anything Zac Efron is down to tan in a booth.

So the next time you find yourself on a couch watching #Grey’s Anatomy with Zac Efron, scoot on over, hand him another #vodka cran and remind yourself that he’s SO not straight.