…Join Boy Bands

Open wide Justin. Singing a high tenor solo or practicing to kiss the tip in the tour bus later?

So we’re just going to say it. One in five men in a boy band is a blatant homosexual. The other four are closet homosexuals.

Most people think that boy bands started in the late 90’s. Those people are fucking retarded. Boy bands have been around since at least the 60’s. And for our salt, we’re willing to bet that Shakespeare was running around singing jingles with four other closeted guys in tights. We’re just saying.

So what makes the practice of boy banding such a gay thing? It’s simple. One, we all know that straight men don’t do musicals, and being in a boy band is like being in a musical 24 fucking 7. I mean come on, Jesse McCartney was in a boy band, and we all know he’s like a poor man’s #Zac Efron.

Besides having to sing and dance to seriously gay tunes, something a bro that wasn’t #DTB wouldn’t be caught dead doing, the life of a boy bander is filled with drama and #tabloid gossip. Str8 bros eat that shit up. Straight men… not so much.

Which leads us to why exactly gay men go gaga over boy bands. Here’s a hint… it’s not the same reason we’re so into #Ke$ha. For starters, every boy band has at least two members we would definitely turn it over for. We’re talking to you Ringo and Paul!

Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet. Oh but they’re so spaced out! B-b-b-b-Benny and the Jets!

Walk into any gay bar and you will find at least two bitch fights going on about whether or not N’sync or Backstreet Boys were better… and about which members were sleeping with each other. Spoiler alert: ALL of them!

No one has that many gay fans without, at some point, either becoming gay or having a gay child. Right Cher? Exactly.

Now, we’re not saying every single boy in every single group is gay. Trying telling that to Steven Tyler and his massively massive tongue that we’re sure could work wonders in the boudoir. But we are saying that the majority are at least #flippable, and that most of those bros have been in the center of a #circle jerk or two.

What do you do when you’re on a bus for twelve hours and you really want a BJ? Why, you ask Lance Bass to the #kiss the fucking tip.

We know we’re verging on wishful thinking here… I mean, God, wouldn’t it be great if Justin Timberlake were a ‘mo. Well, we’re hear to say the jury is still fucking out. Until we hear otherwise, we’re ready to file Jessica Biel behind #Katie Holmes and call it a day.

You may as well just go ahead and call them the Backdoor Boys for all we care. Yes, Howie. I want it that way.

Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about… what’s the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out.

We’re willing to confess that we seduced several guys in the couple of boy bands we were in during the course of high school and college. I mean, have you ever been to an acapella group festival? It’s like a fucking str8 bros dream, second only to Bryant Park during #fashion week as the gayest event in the all.

So if you can’t join a boy band, we’d say spend a summer stalking one. Some call it being a groupie. We call it back packing through Europe with a purpose. We’re more than confident that you’ll get your fair share of boy band juice by the time your road trip is over. Bet on it, bet on it, you can bet on that!

…Watch Glee

… Mother fucking duh! I’m almost slightly embarrassed to spend five hundred words dispelling why straight men don’t watch Glee.

How would my good friend Dr. Suess put it? If you watch this show on FOX, you do not want any BOX.

Is it the fact that it’s a fucking #musical? Sure, why not.

Maybe because over half the characters are either homosexual or played by homosexuals? Yes, that could be it.

It could be because the agenda is laid on so thick, even str8 bois have a hard time taking it seriously? Yeah, that’s one, too.

Maybe, just maybe it’s because Lea Michele is SO annoying she cancels any hotness factor the show may actually have... BINGO, Sherlock!

No matter how you slice it, no one who watches Glee wants to get some pussy fresh box later that night. Nothing screams I want fairy tail quite like watching this fairy tale.

Glee is the epitome of Gay TV for the 21st Century. Like Project Runway six years before it, it was the guiltiest of guilty pleasures for str8 bros and the guys who they were letting kiss it on the side. No one was allowed to know they watched Glee together just like no one was allowed to know he occasionally liked a finger up the rectum. Snitches get stitches!

But somewhere along the way, things started to change. People started to admit they watched this show. Just the other day, my brother set his Tivo for a season pass of Glee! GLEE! This is a man with a girlfriend and who doesn’t exhibit any other straight men don’t quality… and he’s watching Glee.

We admit it. This is the Only reason we agreed to watch this show...

I’m sorry to get personal, but I was flabbergasted. Downright floored. I had to move him from a firm five on the Kinsey to a flimsy four. He’s one #Tom Cruise haircut away from

strapping on assless chaps and singing It’s Raining Men at ‘Ladies Night’.

We’ve laid out the reasons why Glee isn’t an appropriate show for straight bros to watch. In fact, if you’re sitting next a straight bro and Kurt Hummel comes sashaying on screen to deliver yet another song from Gypsy or Caberet, just turn to your left and give that boi a kiss. We all know the two of you would both rather be doing the deed than watching the show, so don’t pretend. He won’t either.

It’s quite simple, actually. Straight men don’t watch Glee. Or at the very least, they don’t admit it.

…Ke$ha

I always hesitate to say straight men don’t do things that are rampant parts of society. It’s one thing for a guy trying to pass as straight to wear #man capris, which no one in their right minds still wears. It’s another thing to accuse someone of being gay for listening to pop radio.

And although there are several pop singers who tickle the fancy of men, women, gay, and straight alike, there is one queen strongstress notorious for being straight bait krypotine.

Cue Ke$sha! No seriously, someone wake her up.

If you're looking at this picture and thinking "Maybe she needs some rehab, or maybe she just needs sleep..." you're so not straight.

With news that our favorite celebrity hot mess is int he studio recording ‘vocals’ for her new album, we couldn’t help but think there isn’t a straight man in the world who should be excited about this news.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy…

The reason Ke$ha is on the list of pop artists straight men don’t go out of their way to like is long.

First, homegirl is not cute. There I said it. I’m not afraid to ruffle some glittered and bedazzled feathers. She’s not pretty. She’s not hot. She definitely lacks a ‘I wanna bone you’ quality that straight guys require of the pop stars they tolerate.

Look at Katy Perry. Now look at Ke$ha. Who would you do? Exactly.

But gay men and women alike love Ke$ha for much more than her lack of asthetic beauty and even greater lack of hygiene. She’s a musical genius! Not only are her songs catchy as hell, they also remind us that we aren’t the biggest hot messes out there in the world.

And the Courtney Love Award for Hottest Mess goes to: Ke$ha!

If I had a dime for every time I woke up feeling like P. Diddy, I would have been able to pay for the Tik Tok download as opposed to stealing it from a shady site that may or may not have given me a virus. Her songs are true to life. They’re biographical, but only to us str8 bois.

She’s fundamentally different than the average gay icon a la Britney Spears or Lady Gaga because 1. her music lacks indisputable perfection (honestly, did we really think Tik Tok was going to win any Grammy’s?) 2. unlike icons such as Beyonce and Nicole Sherzinger or however the fuck you spell it, she’s not wank bank worthy. Straight bros like their pop stars to be either talented or masterbatable. Fact.

It’s a simple mating call in the club. The first beats of Blow come on and people look around. What? Is it a Ke$ha song? Hells yeah! The #DTB str8 bois are looking around and hoping their bros don’t sense their excitement. #Zac Efron and his posse is beside themselves with glee. The next thing you know, the gay guys and their fruit flies are grinding away on the dance floor and the guys trying to pass are watching enviously from the sidelines.

So what do you do when you see a boy you know is #flippable jamming out to Ke$ha? Honestly, if we have to answer that, you don’t deserve to land a straight man. You sit on that shit and you grind away. Hit on him now. Ask questions later.

There’s something about the glittery eye and the obvious lack of a shower that turns straight men off where it turns str8 bois on… so pay close attention to the guy in the group who’s bobbing along to We Are Who Are and make your move when the time is right.

Sometimes it really is THAT simple.