…Know Designers

19 Sep

This should be a no brainer. Not only did Elle Woods win a pretty big murder case based on this theory, but it’s common fucking knowledge that designer clothes are the only things a gay man commits to memory.

Wait, what was his name? The guy I made out with who was wearing the 7 for all Mankind jeans and the Guess shirt? Oh yeah, him!

In case you were wondering, that was an actual conversation.

See, while straight bros were in school learning things, the gays were sitting in the back, #man capris crossed, and flipping through Vogue magazine to see if stripes or floral prints were making a comeback. Fact. It’s the only education we needed.

Florals? For Spring? Groundbreaking.

Gay Men Know Designers. Straight Men Dont

Feeling the new Miu Miu collection? Chances are you can be persuaded to feel something else too...

Even the casual fashion fiend knows the big names. Oscar de la Renta, Fendi, Tom Ford, Gucci, Karl Lagerfeld, the late, great Alexander McQueen and that little, lovely, dangerously #tan antisemite that we too are currently boycotting. If you can name more than two of these fashion houses, there’s a 100 percent chance that you are #so not straight.

With Fashion Week ending, it struck us that this rule is pretty much hard and fast. We’re not saying all gays are fashion addicts, but let’s be honest, style is one of our defining characteristics. So naturally a fruit-in-training would turn to his more stylish examples of how to dress and behave.

Don’t even get us started on guys who watch Project Runway sans girlfriend.

Like any rule, however, there are those caveats we cannot ignore. Not every single stylish man out there will let you kiss the tip. On the contrary. Places like J. Crew and Brooks Brothers have made a killing catering to the heterosexual bloke who would otherwise be wearing cargo pants and Ed Hardy all year round. We cringe at the thought. We thank you for that, J.Crew and BB.

Side note: You shouldn’t be hitting on anyone in Ed Hardy anyway, gay or straight. It’s just a no… a real flaccid, pencil dick no.

So what do you do when you see a man dressed head to toe in this year’s couture? Unfortunately, this is a trickier one than most. While most overt ‘mos (and we’re talking real fire hazards here), will be easy to spot, the more metro the world becomes, the more blurrier the lines get.

The first thing to do is not to panic. Just because he’s wearing the brand new Marc Jacobs trench with a Burberry scarf doesn’t necessarily mean he’s #DTB. But this kind of guy gets asked if he’s gay a lot, so there’s no shame in making a strong approach. Just be prepared to be let down gently, and unpleasantly surprised.

But don’t ever give up on this guy! Getting asked enough has probably put the thought into his mind… maybe I will let Toni with an I kiss the tip one of these days.

Who knows. He  might claim he’s straight, but after a #cosmo or two, he’s shedding those designer duds and you’re taking him straight to bed.


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