…Cheerlead

Him: I'm gonna get so much snatch after this game, I can already smell it! Her: I hope this fruit bucket doesn't fucking drop me.

So folks, we’re not completely sure that ‘cheerlead’ is a word. We’re going to assume it’s the root word for ‘cheerleader’, but who the hell knows? While my English teacher was busy teaching the exceptions to conjugation, I was in the back whispering things like “just let it happen” to guys like the Junior Varsity Quarterback.

But enough of my history lesson. Let’s talk about the one and only profession that has been barred from a straight man’s list of “what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

Male cheerleading.

This is the deal. I almost hesitate to bring this up, because if you’re hitting on male cheerleaders, you are clearly NOT interested in bringing home a straight bro. You may as well hop on over to the LGBTQ resource center and take a sit down in the lobby, because you’re after a flame thrower and you know it.

There’s nothing subtle about the male cheerleader. Everyone on campus knows he’s as gay as the day is long. And yet, for some reason, there is always the ONE guy who claims he’s straight.

You’ve heard his reasons.

“Cheerleading is a great workout. It’s actually the most dangerous sport in America.”

To this you say… sport? Seriously? What’s next… competitive knitting!

He might also say something like this.

Dude, I get so much box being the only straight guy on the squad. Come on.

If by box, you mean dick, and by straight you mean str8 #DTB, then yes. We’ll believe you.

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Why can’t a straight bro perform his lifts and still be considered straight? There are certain things that cheerleaders deem fundamental that go firmly against a straight bro’s code of ethics. For example, #tanning is a prerequisite to cheering. Why do you think Edward Cullen never made the squad? Cheerleaders also peruse #US Weekly on the weekly because gossip is the number one topic at cheer practice (and trust us, we hesitated to call it practice…)

I mean, come on guys on the squad. You may as well go ahead and sit in a circle, put a pizza in the middle, and set the egg timer on, because we all know where this is heading.

Those aren’t spirit fingers. These are spirit fingers. And these are mother fucking gold!!!

It baffles us that in 2011 there are still men out there that think forming a perfect hurkie is a turn on to the women they lift up in the air every Saturday morning. There are much better ways to seduce women than going around and shouting: “Like totally! Like wow! Like totally freak me out! We are the Torros!” (PS. If you know where that cheer came from, you’re so not straight. Let it go sister).

There’s only thing gayer than being on the cheerleading squad, and it’s being in a #musical. Fire hazard!

We’re sure there are caveats to this rule, much like many of our rules, but this is literally such a no-brainer, we aren’t even going to investigate those caveats. We’re simply going to close the book on this by saying trust us: if he cheers, he’s queer. Get used to it.